Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Dwight

OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Michael

Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Meredith

[reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."

Michael

Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.

Meredith

I... get it.

Oscar

[who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.

Michael

I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Michael

[trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

Dwight

Gimli.

Michael

Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Michael

Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.

Jim

Does that include "That's what she said?"

Michael

Mmm hmm, yes.

Jim

Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

Michael

That's what she said!

Michael

[while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.

I'm still here, Michael.

Michael

Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

Jan

Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?

Michael

No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.

Michael

Pam, you're trustworthy.

Pam

Thank you.

Michael

And a woman.

Pam

Oh no.

Michael

You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?

Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Michael

*throws up in barf bag* I'm on medication.

Really? What?

Michael

Vomicillin.

Michael

Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?

Darryl

How about the sales team is the sails?

Michael

[nonplussed] Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good.

Michael

[calling from the conference room] Pam, come in here please.

Pam

Tell me before I come there.

Michael

[Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.

Pam

No.

Michael

Please? I have Country Crock.

Michael

Dwight, what're you doing

Dwight

I found it under the seat.

Jim

Oh my God! Dwight! Put it down!

Dwight

I'm thirsty. [Jim sprays him] No!

Jim

Give the bottle to Michael.

Dwight

No. I'm thirsty.

Michael

Give the bottle to me, Dwight. [To Jim] Just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired.

Dwight

You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!

Michael

Give it to me, Dwight! [tries to grab it]

Dwight

No. [takes a sip] Mmm... [babbles insanely]

Michael

This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?

Creed

That is correct.

Toby

Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?

Michael

You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?