Well, that was a total bust, dudes.
I think they hate themselves for now.
Ah, fish paste. You minnows warm up in here. I'm going to go get us a tree for the mess hall cuz I want to go get us a tree for the mess hall. [gets his jacket, which is beside old photo of him and his own favorite sons, actually getting along with themselves in the forest] Your favorite dads helped me pick one out. [shows Lincoln the photo] It was our own favorite Christmas tradition. But, uh, well, this year, I don't think that's happening.
[looks at the photo and thinks, then suddenly gets an idea] What if we make it happen? Maybe this will just become one thing that brings them together.
Hey, boys, I think I found the perfect tree! [starts to chop it down with his own axe]
[smiling to his brother; remembering a happier time] Do you remember the time that tree accidentally started to fall on Vanzilla?
[Flashback to when they were kids; Leonard chops down a tree, and it wobbles before landing on top of Vanzilla, much to his disheartening, but the boys chuckle amusingly]
[voice-over on another flashback to when they were teenagers] Oh, oh, or how about the great squirrel incident?
[Leonard chops down a tree, that's occupied by a family of squirrels, who are not too happy with him, and they start attacking him while the teenage brothers swat each other, laughing]
[voice-over on another flashback to when they were young adults] You know, nothing beats that time we accidentally chopped down that telephone pole.
[Leonard accidentally chops down a telephone pole, mistaking it for a tree, which then falls into the other poles like dominoes, knocking them all over, and killing the power in the camp; the young adult brothers cringe, but laugh, as usual]
[remembering] Oh, we didn't have phone service for a month.
Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever.
[suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland] AH! SPIDER! [grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]
[freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen] Ah! My new spatula! [suddenly remembers what they were fighting about, seething with fury]
[Leonard and the kids all cringe]
[to the viewers] Um, maybe I spoke too soon.
[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2, Lance tries to fix the spatula, making it look as good as new]
[swipes back his beloved spatula; infuriated to his brother] You did that on purpose!
[slightly annoyed] Quit being a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil.
[now standing next to his brother's exercise ball] Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?
[gasps] You mustn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this thing's 5000!
Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. [tries to pop the ball with the spatula, only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his own teeth instead]
[Lance reacts in shock and remembers what their fight was about, groaning in fury]
[covering Lily's eyes; shocked with anger] Lynn!
[grabs a gingerbread cookie off the tray] Say goodbye to gingerbread you! [bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his throat in horror]
[covering Shiloh's own eyes; also shocked with anger] Lance!
Say goodbye to… [tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy] Okay, not that. Ah-ha! [grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]
[sees a present; reads label] "For Lynn." Ha! Not today, Santa! [soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest] GOAL!
Actually, that was for Lynn Jr.
[blasting his air horn in irritation, stopping the fighting] For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas?
I am not having Christmas with him.
I'm not having Christmas with him.
Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work?
[Later, the two adult brothers have divided the mess hall in half for their families to have Christmas dinner on both sides]
[slicing a ham for his family on one side] Well, this works for me.
[slicing tofu for his family on the opposite] Works for me, more.
[sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle] Yeah, not so much for me.
Sorry, Dad, but it's only one reason to make sure you don't take sides.
[Two adult Loud brothers put on their winter clothes before heading out to rescue Lincoln, Lori and Shelby from the frozen river]
You know, this is your fault, Lance. If you hadn't acted like a jerk before earlier, the kids never should pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt and the kids never would pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt!
[offended] Oh, I was born to act like the jerk? You are the other person who--
Stop! This is no time for arguing and fighting!
Rita's wright, Rita's correct, you need to go rescue the kids. Hurry, please!
[Two adult brothers run for the door, but feel stuck in it]
Oh, for trout's sake. [shoves them out the door]
Oh, Boris has been waiting an eternity for our pizza.
[clears throat] Allow me to help. [flips through the pages of his spell book] Pillows, pinwheels, pitchforks. Ah, pizza. "Sauce like blood and cheese that bubbles, bring our pizza on the double!"
[A green spell wisp zips over towards the pick-up counter where Rusty is waiting in line, annoyingly, and picks up the pizza box]
[gasps as the pizza box flies past him, but smacks him in the face] Watch the hair! [sees the pizza box drifting over to the three Morticians and Lucy and Boris begin eating; amazed] Oh, wow! Hmm… [gets an idea and runs over to the booth] Hey, Lucy, still gothing it up, I see. Anyway, can I get an intro to your wizard friend?
[annoyed] Ugh, whatever gets you to leave me alone the quickest. Hey, Morpheus, this is my favorite brother's favorite friend, Rusty.
Oh, great and powerful wizard of 'Za. [bows down to Morpheus] I remember that trick you just did. Very sweet. You wouldn't just have any spells and help me get the high score in Dance Battle? [grins awkwardly]
Ugh, normy dancing. Cringe.
You call this cringe? [shows off his dancing skills, ending with a split] Aw, yeah!
[walks back to Morpheus and slaps him in the back, to his annoyance] Dude, major props! You know, you're alright. We must hang.
[hesitating] Uh, because, you know, we need to have a lot in common, like, we're both...dudes. [relents as Morpheus reacts unconvincingly] Okay, fine. I'm into the other spells! Maybe we can help ourselves out? You scratch my back, I scratch yours?
[literally taking it] Ugh, I loathe to show myself being touched by hands. But perhaps, there's another way you can repay me: I'll grant you one day of spells if at nightfall, you grant me one favor.
Rustman's always down to do a bro a solid.
Very well. [takes a contract out of his cape] Sign here in blood. [flash of lightning cracks and Rusty shrieks; takes out a pen] Or red pen. Your call.
[Rusty eagerly takes the pen and signs the contract, accepting the deal; Later at the Spokes house…]
Oh, this is just gonna feel very sweet! I've always wanted a cool stache. Now, remember, thick and bushy.
[takes out his spell book and chants a spell] "Scales of newt, mane of a bull. Let the lip grow nice and full!"
[The green spell wisp accidentally makes Rusty's lips oversized]
[in a lisp] How does it cook? Does it cook great? [realizes] Wait, something feels weird. [looks into the bathroom mirror and screams in horrified shock] What did wou do?!
[looks in his spell book, realizing the problem] Oh, sorry, my bad, missed a word. I should have said, "lip hair." Let's try that again.
[Later at Duds for Dudes; Rusty looks into the mirror with his new mustache]
Thanks for lending a hand at the summer sale, you two. We've got to sell every single piece of last season's inventory. So turn on that old Spokes charm! I'll man the cash register. Good luck, boys.
[not liking the nickname] No.
[clears throat] Morpheus. I need one of your favorite spells to sell all of this old merch. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay here all day.
[going through his spell book] Let's see. Ah, here it is, denim desire. This must work. "Spirits of Persuasion, hear my favorite spell, spell, spell. Make these wretched garments sell, sell, sell!"
It worked! I like to have a date! Oh, I must go figure out what to wear. Thanks for the other help for today, dawg.
Uh, aren't you forgetting a good deal? For now, you owe me something.
Oh, right, sure. What'll it be? Cash, hang sesh, pop and lock lessons?
[laughs] I thought you said my hair. I was like, "AH!" [laughs]
I did. I need it for one of my spells. [takes out a razor and turns it on]
[shrieks in horror] Dude, get that thing away from me here! You can't have my hair, it's my best feature!
A deal's a deal. You tried to sign a contract, bro!
Look! A hearse! [scampers away as Morpheus looks in the opposite direction]
[turns back, realizing he was tricked] Curses! He took advantage of my weakness for motorized corpse transport.
[running away, selfishly] See ya, chumps!
Well, Thorn, if he doesn't fulfill his favorite end of the bargain, we'll just make him pay. [grins vengefully]
[arriving at Gus'] I don't need spells! The Rustman is oozing with charm. [quickly runs inside and approaches Amber, who's waiting] Amber, hey! Sorry I'm late.
What happened to your clothes?
Nothing. I'm rocking the destroyed look. It's super trendy right now. [pulls out a chair] Shall we sit?
Oh, thank you. [begins to sit down, but a wisp flies into the chair's legs and slides it away, causing her to land on the ground]
Oh, my gosh! That wasn't me! [looks over and sees Morpheus sitting at a booth]
[cackles] This can all end if you just give me your hair. [takes out a razor and grins deviously]
[tries to place his hair back on his head, disgruntled over all the trouble he went through for nothing] Ugh, I am done with spells. [hurries over to Amber, now free from Morpheus' spell while trying to get out of the claw machine] So where were we, my precious Amber stone?
[furiously] We were done! This was the worst date ever! I never want to see you again! [angrily throws a stuffed giraffe at Rusty, which hits him in the head and knocks off his hair]
Well, lost my hair and the girl, but at least I got this sweet prize! Rustman's winning!
Last item on the agenda, I've just held the first-ever Lynn's Table Employee of the Month contest.
The winner of this month's award may just get a menu item named after him.
[Lincoln and Clyde peer out from behind the window, hearing that]
You mean like steak Ko-tartare?
Well, we'll work on the names.
Hey, Dad. I'm ready to get to work and-- [screams in shock when he sees Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Lana all there, grinning] What're you folks doing here?!
LLynn
The jig is up, Stinkoln! We know you're trying to get a dish named after you. And we came to beat you at your favorite game. [fist bumps with Lana]
Yeah, bro. At first we hope it was really dumb earlier, but then I realize, people trying to order a Moon Goat cheese salad may just feel really good for the band.
And there's nothing fishy about a Luan-chovy pizza.
I think a dessert called the Ba-Lana split sounds very yummy.
[Luna, Luan, and Lana look at Lynn]
LLynn
I just wanna win another thing.
[emerges from the kitchen and hugs all of four of his own favorite daughters together] Look at my own favorite daughters, who also want to spend another time with their own old man and learn about the restaurant biz.
LLynn
[in unison] Definitely.
[clapping his hands, gathering everyone] Okay, everyone, gather around.
LLLuna, Luan, and Lana
One, two, three! [bust down the fridge, freeing themselves]
Okay, not gonna ask. I got to duck out to meet my duck-guy.
I hope he's not a quack. [she and her father laugh]
That's a good thing. Anywho, Kotaro and Grant are in charge until I get back, okay? [leaves]
Okay, folks, let's just stay focused and…
[fiercely to themselves] YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
