Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

[to Rose, who is sticking her head in the refrigerator, trying to see whether the glasses that she is testing fog up] Rose, leave the glasses in the refrigerator, close the door and keep your head out here with us.

Rose

Well, how will I know if they fog up?

Dorothy

The little man who lives in there who turns the light on and off, he'll tell you.

Rose

I'm not in the mood for jokes, especially about the little man. You know he scares me.

Rose

Isn't it a fact that you have a drawer full of retirement home brochures, just waiting for the first sign of dribble on your mother's chin, to lock her away forever?

Dorothy

[laughs nervously] She's... she's kidding.

Rose

Your sock drawer, Dorothy. You know. The one you know who can't reach.

Sophia

I knew you were keeping pictures there, but I had no idea, you disgust me!

Dorothy

Look, I don't have to stand for this!

Sophia

Nail her, Rose! Nail her! Remember, a good reporter gets the story no matter what!

Dorothy

That sock drawer is MY business! Look, those times when Ma makes me crazy, I go in my room and have some pretend time, okay?!!

Rose

This is Rose Nylund signing off in a sad, sad situation. ... Thanks, Dorothy, that was fun!

Sophia

[entering kitchen] Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?

Dorothy

That's a very personal question.

Sophia

That long, huh? Perfect. Then you shall be the Queen of the Festival of the Dancing Virgins.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you talking about?

Sophia

Once a year, the women of my village threw a festival to recapture their virginity. It gives you a chance to say to the man in your life "What kind of tramp do you take me for?"

Rose

We had a Festival of the Dancing Virgins in St. Olaf, too. Every year we'd go down to the lake and they'd be flopping around on the dock... Oh no, wait, that was the Festival of the Dancing Sturgeons.

Dorothy

What is wrong with you, woman?

Rose, before you bring in the sauce, tell us what ingredient you added.

Rose

Well, I don't want to spoil the surprise... I'll give you a hint: They're sugary and they're grrrrreat!

Blanche

I just don't know what I'm gonna do -- [walks into living room and sees Miles dressed in Amish attire] -- boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma and these rabbis come out of the woodwork.

Dorothy

Rose...who is this?

Rose

Oh, this? This...this is...this is a friend...his name is Samuel Plankmaker. [to Miles] Samuel, these are my roommates. [to the others] Girls, you know Miles -- Samuel ! [grimaces] Shoot! Sorry...

Miles

I'm so sorry ladies, it's -- it's me! I was trying to play a trick on ya.

Sophia

Silly rabbi, tricks are for kids.

Rose

Dorothy, I thought you were going to make him suffer.

Dorothy

Oh and I will, tomorrow morning I'll tell him he's the worst lover I've ever had.

Blanche

Where's my tuna quiche? You heard me, I said where's my tuna quiche? I get five ounces of solid food a day, and I want my tuna quiche!

Rose

You mean that little pie?

Blanche

Little pie? Little pie?!

Rose

I wanted a snack.

Blanche

A snack?!

Rose

I thought it was a little fishy.

Blanche

[violently shaking Rose back and forth] Oh! You ate my sensible meal! You ate my sensible meal!

Dorothy

Blanche, stop, Blanche! You're out of control!

Blanche

[coming to her senses] Oh my God! Oh Rose honey, I'm sorry! What did I just do?

Rose

[grabs Blanche's shoulders and shakes her] This!

Dorothy

Honey, we know dieting is hard, we've all been there. I remember the time Stan and I went on that "Weight Loss Through Sex" diet, the idea being every time you felt hungry you would substitute food with some sexual activity.

Blanche

Did it work?

Dorothy

I gained 18 pounds!

Rose

[reading Dorothy's "bio" at the bachelorette auction] "If Dorothy's not off winging her way to Molokai to assist Father Damien in his work with the lepers, you can find her hang-gliding high above the Florida Keys."

Dorothy

Rose... where did you get that?!

Rose

From your mother. Before she and I talked, I wasn't aware of any of it. [continues reading] "She's a scratch golfer who, under President Jimmy Carter, served as the United States Senate Majority Whip. And she likes to read."

Sophia

[to Blanche] I figured, close with the truth. It'll kind of anchor the rest.

Dorothy

I want to thank you all for holding this event on a night when my hang-glider is in the shop, and Congress is in recess, and the lepers are on Geraldo. Go ahead Rose.

Rose

Right Dorothy. All right, now let's start the bidding at five dollars.

Five dollars!

Stan

[entering lobby] One hundred dollars.

Dorothy

Stanley! What are you doing here?

Stan

I'm buying a date with the woman I love.

Dorothy

Oh geez! Not in front of people!

One hundred and ten!

Sophia

[to Blanche, about the bidder, who is a man they all "bought" for Dorothy] What the hell is he doing? Didn't you give him a limit?

Dorothy

Security! Have this man removed! He's a lonely male impersonator.

Two-ten!

Blanche

[jumps up from table] What?! What is WRONG with you? The woman's been with lepers!

Stan

Three hundred!

Dorothy

Stanley stop it! I am not going out with you. I would rather be bound and gagged, and left on an anthill covered with honey.

FOUR HUNDRED!

Four-ten!

Dorothy

SOLD!

Rose

Dorothy, I say that.

Stan

Five hundred!

Blanche

SOLD!

Dorothy

[pointing to Rose] SHE says that!

Blanche

Rose, do something!

Rose

SOLD! Sorry Dorothy, that's $500 for the Children's Hospital. I guess dreams really can come true.

Rose

On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.

Dorothy

Let me guess, Rose. Ivan Boeskyvanderheuvenfleuvenmeistergarbengerbenfleckman.

Rose

That's the louse.

Where are we gonna find an adult with a child-like naïveté to play Henny Penny?

Rose

You're not gonna believe it! I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball!

My God, she is Henny Penny!

Sophia

[narrating] And from that day to this, Henny Penny, Goosey Lucy and Turkey Lurkey were never seen a---

Rose

STOP! [to the audience] Children, kids, it's up to you! I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud! [No response.] I mean it! I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose, the chicken and the turkey live! [No response. Sophia gestures to Rose to shut up, but Rose ignores her.] Come on, put your little hands together! [No response.] Save us and you won't have bad dreams! [No response.] CLAP, you miserable little---

Dorothy

[She and Blanche, still in costume, walk out on the stage, grab Rose by the arm and drag her off] Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.

Rose

But what about their bad dreams?!

Blanche

Let's go, come on.

Rose

[to the audience] Fine, but I just want you to know, there are monsters living under all your beds!!!

Rose

It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.

Blanche

They *are* the stupidest birds.

Dorothy

Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?

Rose

I'd rather not.

Dorothy

Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with the big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?

Rose

I sure do. [to Blanche] My God, you're an animal!

Blanche

Rose, can't you put yourself in my position?

Rose

Apparently I'm not limber enough. [looks to Dorothy for approval]

Dorothy

That was good.

Rose

Come on Blanche, you landed on your back more than..than... [turns to Dorothy for help]

Dorothy

The American Gladiators.