Jay Sherman quotes from The Critic

Jay

I'm not going to stop loving you after I've been decaying in the ground for 200 years.

Eleanor

(Angrily) Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?

Marty

Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island.

Jay

Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out!

Marty

And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd)

Jay

Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton!

Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah---

Jay

Did you ever love a woman so much that --

Look at sign!

Driver Only Speaks Three Words Of English.

Jay

Please, you've got to tell me. Did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?

I wouldn't know. I've been drinking in the alley all morning.

Jay

Why are you telling me this?

Jeremy

Because you’re the only decent guy I’ve met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.

Jay

Wow. That's twice in one day.

Vlada

I love you too!

Jay

You just love my money.

Vlada

That is true, but it is a love that will never die.

Jay Sherman

Hey look Mom, you and Hoover came out on the same day.

Eleanor

Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar.

Jay

This is it. I'm going to die. I'll see you in Hell, Justine Bateman

Coming up next: The Crispy Critic.

Man, you got it all. Handsome as Beavis, funny as Butthead.

Jay

I've never felt so wimpy in my whole life. (to Jeremy): How come you never question your manhood.

Jeremy

I sleep with many beautiful women, I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun. I play judge, jury, and executioner for this scum-filled world.

Jay

But that's in the movies. That's not reality.

Jeremy

They're not all movies. One was an episode of The Commish.

Jay

All right, it's just you and me. Now what did you think of my script?

It was excrement.

Jay

Did you say it was excellent?

It was crummy.

Jay

Did you say it was yummy?

It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night.

Jay

Did you say it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?

It was a bilious piece of dirt that made me cry out in pain.

Jay

Did you say it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?

You piece of blech.

Jay

Hello, and welcome to Coming Attractions. Our first film is Ghostchasers III. I helped write this picture, but believe me when I say that this is the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE! Attention, L.A. street gangs: why kill each other when there are more deserving movie executives just miles from your home? Their addresses are...

Viewer Advisory: The rest of this review contains incitements to violence, foul language, rubber novelty pop, and brief nudity.

Jay

Good night, everybody. Join me in thirty days with my review of our overcrowded penal system.

Jay

Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?

Franklin

Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.

No, Franklin. That was the roadrunner.

Jay

(Shamefully) No, that was me.

Jay

Ardeth. How’s my favorite ex-wife?

Ardeth

The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars.

Jay

(Lays down money beside Ardeth) Fine, here’s two hundred. Get bent!

Alice

(Singing) Jay, I'm glad that you're not gay. I may show you why someday. (Kisses Jay on the cheek)

Jay

(Smiling) Yay!

Jay

Doris, I can’t lose this job. It’s all I know how to do.

Doris

Ah, come on. Everyone has hidden talents. Like me. I’m a whiz with smoke rings. Watch.

(Diabolically) Doris … Tick Tock!

Doris

That was supposed to be a bunny.

Alice

(Introducing herself and her daughter to Jay) I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.

Penny

You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)

Alice

Penny!

Jay

It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.

Penny

I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)

Jay

Aww. Rex did that too.