Jay Sherman quotes from The Critic

Jay

(Singing to the tune I’m A Little Teapot) I'm a happy critic, short and stout. I'll have a brisket.

Vlada

(Also singing) Sorry, we're out.

Jay

I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

Jay, we're live.

Jay

Hey Rush, race you to the lobby!

I accept your challenge, you liberal cream puff! Mmmmmmmmm, liberal cream puff.

Eleanor

Jay, sit on my lap. (Jay sits on her lap and her bones crunch.) Get off my lap!

Jay

But it's so comfortable!

Alice

Jay, where'd you park?

Jay

I left my car with the valet.

Alice

There's no valet!

Jay

D'OH!

Jay

Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts!

(Thinking he is her cat) Oh, you sound just like the toaster.

Jay

So, how was prison?

Oh, they treated me pretty bad at first, but then they found out I tried to kill a film critic. You know, in Texas it's not even a crime.

Jay

I'm well aware. At the Houston film festival, only half of us got out alive.