Alice Tompkins quotes from The Critic

Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York.

(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?"

Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick."

Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak.

Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement.

I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job.

(Jay and Alice enter Duke's costume ball dressed as Homer and Marge Simpson)

Alice

Jay, where'd you park?

Jay

I left my car with the valet.

Alice

There's no valet!

Jay

D'OH!