(Singing) Jay, I'm glad that you're not gay. I may show you why someday. (Kisses Jay on the cheek)
(Smiling) Yay!
“Sherman, Woman and Child” · Season 2, Episode 1
In this episode: Jay Sherman (4), Alice Tompkins (2), Doris Grossman (1), Penny Tompkins (1), Humphrey the Hippo (1), Vlada Veramirovich (1)
Doris, I can’t lose this job. It’s all I know how to do.
Ah, come on. Everyone has hidden talents. Like me. I’m a whiz with smoke rings. Watch.
(Doris inhales from her cigarette and blows out a spiraling ring of smoke that transforms into a demonic-like shape)
SSmoke
(Diabolically) Doris … Tick Tock!
That was supposed to be a bunny.
(Introducing herself and her daughter to Jay) I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.
You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)
Penny!
It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.
I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)
Aww. Rex did that too.
(Singing to the tune I’m A Little Teapot) I'm a happy critic, short and stout. I'll have a brisket.
(Also singing) Sorry, we're out.
(Jay sighs dissapointingly)
(On TV) Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! (Madonna appears on screen) Hey, Madonna!
MMadonna
Don’t (bleep) with me, hippo.
Hey, do you eat with that mouth?
MMadonna
Yeah, and I also (bleep) and (bleep) with it.
(Humphrey exclaims a nervous moan toward the camera)
CSChristian Slater
(In Jack Nicholson's voice) I want the truth!
JNJack Nicholson
You can't handle the truth!
CSChristian Slater
I can handle the truth!
JNJack Nicholson
The truth is you talk like me, you act like me. You don't have an original bone in your body.
CSChristian Slater
That's a freakin' lie!
JJudge
Could the stenographer read that last part back?
WDWilliam Devane
(Also in Nicholson's voice) What am I, a freakin' myna bird?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Critic pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.