Jay Sherman quotes from The Critic

Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)

I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful.

I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?

(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!

(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!

I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week.

(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too.

(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie.

I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!

Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?

(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!

(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a.

And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!