The Big Bang Theory · Season 6
I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Sometime around the third Almond Joy.
Oh hi, Dr. Hofstader.
Oh, hey, Alex. And call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.
May I join you, Leonard?
Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.
Ooh, I love English accents.
Yeah, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.
It's probably harmless. You know how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.
Right. Because girls are always like: "Oooh, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta get me some of that."
You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Trust me. It doesn't.
You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don’t even know it.
Really?
Yep, pretty sure.
[Laughs] I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
No problem.
Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.
Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Come on, I'm sorry.
I just can't believe you don't trust me.
I feel…Of course I do.
Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Really?
Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE TALLER THAN ME? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
[pause] You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
[stunned] Yeah.
We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
That's … exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
You're right we should…
Fine! [Runs down stairs]
[Enters apartment] She loves me.
[talking about his new car] It's parked in 294.
I'm sorry, 294 is my parking spot.
You don't even drive.
Maybe they reassigned it because you don't use it.
I don't use my nipples either, maybe they should reassign those.
I’m really sorry that they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Well, Howard’s never going to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
If and when?
All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who now know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My..my sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. [Laughs] It’s a bad idea.
Gosh, Amy, I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?
Damn.
Well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that’s a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
I don’t have to take this. I’m going to go home and have sex with my husband right now! Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in a parking spot; which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way!
Sheldon, this isn't helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.
How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.
[taken by surprise] You... you want to rub something on my chest?
Yes. All over it.
[stifling a cough] Maybe we should start with that.
Now you’re being a responsible patient. [he picks up the tub of VapoRub and sits on the couch opposite Amy] Now, you may notice some tingling...
Oh, I’m counting on it!
Sir, I’m flattered that you invited me, and I really want you to like me, but I don’t think this trip is the way to do it. And I can’t return these things if there’s chunks of duck all over them.
So, why’d you agree to come?
‘Cause Bernadette made me.
I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.
Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You’re a big, scary cop.
You’re an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she’s only four feet tall.
So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.
Ah. There’s an Indian casino near Palm Springs. You know how to shoot craps?
No, but I’m not a stranger to dice games. I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.
Mazel tov. I’ll teach you how to play.
Really? Thank you, sir.
Call me Mike.
Okay. Oh, boy, we’re just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike?
That’s my wife and daughter you’re talking about.
Great couple of gals.
I wouldn't go that far.
Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Little bit, yeah.
But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Wait, what are you doing?
You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?
Uh, okay.
My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
This is weird, right?
Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of ‘em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.
[Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.]
[singing, to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb] I’m sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I’m sorry Alex hit on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
Oh, damn it, you are.
Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Of course not. No. Why?
Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
You do that?
[pause] No.
Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
No, I’m not happy.
Why are you smiling?
I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Well, I do.
Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.
Good.
Come here. Tell you a secret?
What’s that?
With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure.
Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we’re all gonna stop.
Message received.
So, hey, I was thinking about that stuff with Alex.
Oh, would you stop worrying about that?
I can’t help it. But, look, I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalogue at school and looked at some of the science classes.
That’s great.
No, it isn’t, they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself, like, every day? Anyway, I decided I don’t need to be a scientist, I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Glasses? I really don’t think that’s gonna change… oh, my God, you look so smart and hot.
I know, right? Watch this. Molecules.
Okay, come with me.
Where are we going?
To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.
[Penny, Amy and Bernadette enter the Comic Book Store. Everyone inside stares at them in shock]
[nervous] Why are they staring?
Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!
Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Hey Stuart.
W-what brings you guys here?
We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!
What kind of comics do the guys like?
Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
All right, well, who's the best superhero?
[panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?
Fine, but set phasers to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I'll never find a girlfriend that pretty again.
The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. [looks at Sheldon, who just nods silently] You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?
I'm fine.
Alright, so how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?
Yes.
Sheldon, what's wrong?
I read his research; it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist in the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy! [starts crying]
Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
What do we have to lose?
[Amy hugs him tightly]
How's that?
I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. [Amy lets go] Why did you stop?! [Amy hugs him again]
Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Of course.
You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
[Leonard and Sheldon just stare at her]
That's awfully personal.
[a little scared] We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Then what's the problem?
Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others—handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually get physical?
[long pause] It's a possibility.
[silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Oh, yeah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
