[Howard and Raj are fighting. Eventually, Sheldon loses his cool]
Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!"
"Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
"Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!"
"I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" [Sheldon storms out]
HowardBoy, what got him so upset?
Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.
Howard
I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.
Howard
Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Howard
Okay now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.
What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard
Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Do me a favor: lean over and put your head right here [in front of a laser he'd been using to fry action figures].
Howard
Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
Howard
I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]
Howard
Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.
[Howard enters Leonard's laboratory to mock him for his unsuccessful date the previous evening]
Howard
Hey.
[handing him a pair of glasses] Laser.
Howard
Had a great night last night. I don't like to kiss and tell, but... [puts glasses on] somebody made it to eighth base!
Howard
Seventh base with shirt off. Well... My shirt. How'd things go with Penny?
[sarcastically] Oh, yes... Couldn't be better.
[He fires up the laser, igniting a Cylon action figure in its path and startling Howard]
Howard
Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
[extinguishing the fire] It's not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Howard
Alright. I was gonna try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later, when you don't have a high-power weapon.
How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Howard
Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
And that didn't bother you?
Howard
Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard
Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Do me a favor. [points to the area in front of the laser] lean over and put your head right here.
Howard
Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
Howard
I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]
Howard
Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.
Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.
So what, it's the same food.
Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.
Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.
No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.
Howard
It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!
Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?
Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
Howard
Sure, no mobsters there.
...
The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.
It's listed under seafood.
Howard
Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
[aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
No, that's a crazy thing.
[making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
[looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.
Impaired cognitive function.
Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
[in a childish manner] …But I don't wanna go to bed.
[firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One…
[exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]
[shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.
[About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one...asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves...oh that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?
Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.
No, that's not was I was going to say.
It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.
That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?
Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.
Actually he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.
Howard
I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.
The big boobed weather girl from Channel 2?
Howard
That's the one.
Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!
In Switzerland or on the big boobed weather girl?
[Sheldon comes in the apartment]
I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee, and gotten autographed comics, but I got to see the inside of his house, and got a signed form for a restraining order from him.
Howard
Sweet?
Plus I get to hang out with him again, at the hearing. [Walks off to his room] This will look great next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
Waterfalls, crashing waves, babbling brooks.
Howard
What are you doing?
Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets, leaky gutter, peeing.
Oh it's working alright. I have to pee.
Then let go of the ring and go.
Howard
Well actually I wouldn't mind going either.
Well on the count of three. 1, 2...
Wait, just to be clear. When we get to three, do we stand up? Or do we pee?
Howard
We stand up.
Howard
Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
No. The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier. Since I'm Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Howard
Oh, that's not a good name.
Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]
No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.
Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.
OK, I'm sorry honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.
Howard
If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!
[enters with his bowling team] Hey look! They named their team after me!
I was talking with Penny.
Howard
What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard
[to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Howard
What?
Usually, I'm on the team that picks last…unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.
EPElizabeth Plimpton
Do you like role-playing games?
Howard
Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
EElizabeth
Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Howard
Beg your pardon?
EElizabeth
You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
Howard
[after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?
Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard
We broke up weeks ago.
Why didn't you say anything?
Howard
I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
[arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?
Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
Howard
He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
EElizabeth
[peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.
Elizabeth, what's going on?
EElizabeth
What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]
Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard
Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.
[Looking at television] Ooh! it’s time for Babylon 5!
We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.
Because no one likes Babylon 5.
Howard
So do I.
There you go–three against one.
They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
