[at the site for Sheldon's online date]
Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
May I buy you a beverage?
Howard[to Raj, seeing their "experiment"] Good God, what have we done?
OK, well, what do you communicate about?
Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
[spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard
I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
[Sheldon suggests taking up jogging]
Have you ever run before?
Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistant P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard
You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!
That's great news about you and Bernadette [getting back together]!
Howard
Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to miniature golf.
Oh, well, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.
Howard
Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me!
Yeah, and don't you forget it!
'[Sheldon reveals that Leonard betrayed both Raj and Howard's trust by sleeping with Raj's sister, Priya]
[getting up to leave] I don't believe it. This is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
No, no - would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and that she kind of stomped on it?
... How hard did she stomp?
Okay, I'm good. [Sits back down]
Howard
Raj, I just want to say I'd never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
Really? Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
[horrified] DUDE, I PUT THAT THING ON MY FACE!
I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Howard
Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy Snow-cone maker!
That was all a lie!? This year's gifts are already wrapped!
Howard
And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food?
[Leonard looks horrified]
Well, excuse me! That was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting "mothy."
YOU PUT MOTHS IN MY FOOD!?!?!?
'Raj": I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth!
Well, I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush!
YOU USED MY TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!
Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
[Sheldon starts blinking furiously]
Whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this
[Sheldon pulls a couch cushion out of a large bag]
Howard
You're giving me a couch cushion?
No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
[Everyone looks at him in shock]
Howard
[aghast] But... you love that spot!
No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe... And now it's yours.
[Howard is speechless]
[crying] Oh my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.
Howard
Who'd want to become "RatMan"?
Who wouldn't?!?! You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, uh, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound! And the best part of it is, if I were RatMan, you could be my sidekick; "MouseBoy".
Howard
MouseBoy?
You don't like MouseBoy? How about "Kid Vermin"?
Howard
First of all, if we were going to have superpowers I would not be the sidekick; YOU'D be the sidekick.
RatMan is nobody's sidekick!
Howard
Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
[long pause]
Twelve years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.
[The guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'ah]
Howard
Ice dragon.
[victorious tone of voice] Lesser Warlord of Ka'ah!
Not so fast! Infinite Sheldon.
Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards, and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?
No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
[the guys are reading responses to Sheldon's lecture]
I found another Tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: [from his phone] "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
[Raj laughs]
Howard
Listen to this one: [from his phone] "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?"
[Howard and Leonard laugh]
[while on a laptop] Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
[Howard and Leonard have a look on the laptop]
[amazed] Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard
Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
[Penny enters]
Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down? I can't get on.
Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Penny is a freeloader"…no spaces.
[typing on her phone] Thanks. What are you guys doing?
Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight [and] we're reading the reviews.
Howard
Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
[going to Penny with his phone] Read this woman's Tweet.
[reading from Leonard's phone] "Listening to Dr. Cooper's made me want to start cutting myself again."
[looking at Tweets about his lecture on Raj's laptop] I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".
Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".
[unsettled] Well…s'pose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.
[He starts to walk to his bedroom]
[very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopyheads, anyway! [leaves]
Howard
[short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Here's what I wonder about zombies. [The others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard
[To Leonard] You take this one. I spent an hour last night on do how vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!
I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in 28 Days if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
Howard
You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is when Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
[as Howard is unlocking the front door] Who's there!? Are you a sex criminal!?
Howard
Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma! [goes inside]
Howard
I was out with Bernadette!
I know what that means! I watch Dr. Phil! [short pause] I hope to God you used a condom!
Howard
I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!
God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!
Howard
Nobody has a disease!
I hope not! I share a toilet with you! Is that what you want!? To give your mother herbies!?
Howard
That's it! I don't have to take this! [comes back outside, yelling at the front door] And good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!
[He starts to leave, then goes back to the door and unlocks it again]
Who's there!? Are you a sex criminal!?
Howard
[going back inside] Still leaving; I just forgot my Claritin!
Oh, Howard's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.
Howard
Tea does sound nice.
You heard the man, Leonard. [snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]
[Leonard starts to walk to the kitchen]
And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
