I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask -- what's Sheldon's deal?
What do you mean, "deal"?
You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls…? Guys…? Sock puppets…?
Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Come on, everybody has a deal.
HowardNot Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Howard
I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
[the guys are playing Klingon Boggle]
Howard
I have "chor" [Klingon for "belly"]
SRSheldon & Raj
Got it.
Howard
"neHmaH" [Klingon for "neutral zone"]
Howard
And "Kreplach".
Hold on a second, "Kreplach"?
Howard
Yeah.
That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for a meat-filled dumpling!
Howard
Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Howard
Kreplach: a hearty, Klingon…dumpling.
[makes thumbs-down gesture] bIlughbe' [Klingon for "you are not right"]
We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
Howard
God bless you, Google Street View--registered trademark.
Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard
You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.
Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
Howard
[deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
[playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
[desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
Howard
I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Howard
Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
[smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard
Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
[very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
[continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
[to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard
Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
[attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard
It's just temporary. I pay rent.
He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard
Say what?
Howard
Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard
Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail…never fail.'
You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
Howard
All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard
So there is a number?
Howard
You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?
Howard
[incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
[Leonard, Raj and Howard are in the Cheesecake Factory freezer along with Sheldon, forced by the latter to perform exercises that mimic the movement of their tasks when they will be at the North Pole, but after less than a minute they have enough]
Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.
Howard
You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.
[After the guys hear a cricket and Sheldon says its a snowy tree cricket based on the chirps]
Howard
I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Howard
What's the matter? You chicken?
I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Chickens can't climb trees.
Howard
[checking an encyclopedia] Right here. See it? The common field cricket, a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it. You lose."
Hang on. [Finds another page] Voila. The Snowy Tree Cricket, a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is Nihil exsorbibo.
[Howard's phone rings]
Howard
Damn, it's my mother.
Howard
I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard
Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard
My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?
Howard
You live with your mother?
Howard
Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard
Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]
Howard
Corolla! More wine?
Howard
Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
Howard
Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard
It's a date.
[aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
