You know, I’m growing to like American football.
Yeah, it’s fun, isn't it?
Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
All right, who’s ready for another beer?
LeonardI’m good.
Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Leonard
That’s great. Get out.
Leonard
Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveler from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Leonard
Some people might say it was romantic.
Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
Leonard
Okay.
I’m just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful. [Penny looks sideways guiltily]
Leonard
Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Oh, Penny! That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
[Raj is ejected from the apartment]
I really thought she would say it.
Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Here’s your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.
Leonard
This should be fun.
Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
One on top, one on the bottom.
Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.
Leonard
Oh!
I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.
[arriving with Alex] Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
Leonard
What do you got?
I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Leonard
Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
The original title was “A Re-derivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
In a way. We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
Leonard
Where are we going?
My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Notice people on your own time. We’re working.
[Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon kneel around the coffee table, each has a blueberry pie before them]
Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
On the count of 3. 1... 2...
Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
Leonard
So?
So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Leonard
Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!
1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]
Hey guys, guess who's back from space!
AFAll four
NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]
Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!
Leonard
Snort it down and keep eating!
Leonard
What are you doing?
Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Ugh, he must be wearing a tin foil hat or something.
...
[later on]
...
Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back!
Leonard
[walks back into the room] What?
Oh, of course! It only works on the weak-minded.
Leonard
[handing Penny a folder] Before you look, do you about the story of the Shoemaker and the elves?
Elves? Leonard, it's too early for Lord of the Rings.
Leonard
No, see, there's this shoemaker, and when he goes to sleep, these elves come out and make these amazing shoes for him. And when he wakes up, he would so happy, not mad at the elves at all. Here you go.
[reading the paper's headline] "The Effects of Slavery in the Old South, 1602-1865". What the hell is this?
Leonard
Don't ask me, a little elf did it.
Leonard
Oh, hey, Alex. And call me Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.
Leonard
Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.
Ooh, I love English accents.
Leonard
Yeah, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.
It's probably harmless. You know how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.
Leonard
Right. Because girls are always like: "Oooh, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta get me some of that."
You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Leonard
Trust me. It doesn't.
You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don’t even know it.
Leonard
Really?
Leonard
[Laughs] I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
Leonard
Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.
Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard
Come on, I'm sorry.
I just can't believe you don't trust me.
Leonard
I feel…Of course I do.
Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Leonard
Really?
Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Leonard
Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
Leonard
I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE TALLER THAN ME? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
Leonard
[pause] You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
Leonard
We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
That's … exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
Leonard
You're right we should…
Leonard
[Enters apartment] She loves me.
Leonard
Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
Leonard
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard
Little bit, yeah.
But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Wait, what are you doing?
You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?
Leonard
Uh, okay.
My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
Leonard
This is weird, right?
Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of ‘em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Leonard
Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.
[Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.]
Leonard
[singing, to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb] I’m sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I’m sorry Alex hit on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
Leonard
Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard
Of course not. No. Why?
Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard
You do that?
Leonard
Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard
No, I’m not happy.
Leonard
I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Leonard
Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.
Leonard
Come here. Tell you a secret?
Leonard
With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Leonard
Sure.
Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we’re all gonna stop.
Leonard
Message received.
So, hey, I was thinking about that stuff with Alex.
Leonard
Oh, would you stop worrying about that?
I can’t help it. But, look, I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalogue at school and looked at some of the science classes.
Leonard
That’s great.
No, it isn’t, they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself, like, every day? Anyway, I decided I don’t need to be a scientist, I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Leonard
Glasses? I really don’t think that’s gonna change… oh, my God, you look so smart and hot.
I know, right? Watch this. Molecules.
Leonard
Okay, come with me.
Leonard
To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.
Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
[Leonard and Sheldon just stare at her]
Leonard
[a little scared] We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard
All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others—handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard
Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually get physical?
[long pause] It's a possibility.
[silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Leonard
You know what. That was pretty crappy of you. All I wanted to do was give you a great night and it’s like you went out of your way to destroy it.
Yep. I know. I’m a total bitch.
Leonard
I’m not saying that.
Leonard
Well. Fine you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
I don’t know. Maybe because things are going so well between us lately and I’ve been really happy.
Leonard
Okay. You’re going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
Obviously I have some commitment issues.
Leonard
Glaringly obvious. Go on.
As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I’m going to end saying yes then we’re going to be married forever and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Leonard
Okay. I know I propose a lot so how about this. I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard
No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Leonard
Yes. All on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Leonard
And I’m cool with surprises, but nothing on the jumbo-tron. I don’t to cry on a big screen like that.
Okay. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard
You do?
Leonard
Yes.
Would you be my valentine?
Leonard
Sorry, maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja! Let’s have sex! Wo-ah!
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
