[Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois]
You love her very much. Don't you?
You think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand about it.
LeonardShe's good, huh?
She is, but when do we get to the part about the streetcars?
When I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once much, much too completely. Like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. Then I was unlucky to lose it.
Leonard
She really is.
How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?
Leonard
So now let's bring out theoretical physicist, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish born, French educated Madame Curie. Co-discover of radioactivity. She was a hero of science until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became full with blood and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work I see no reason why that can't also happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?
What are you guys doing here?
Leonard
When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard
Sheldon.
It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
Leonard
Amy.
You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard
Penny.
It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
Leonard
OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Leonard
Bernadette.
Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?
So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard
Well, one of them is.
That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.
So who do you have to smooze to get this deal?
Leonard
I'm not going to smooze anyone. I'm going to let my work speak for itself.
That's great. That takes a lot of integrity.
Leonard
I'm a naive idiot, right?
Oh good, you heard me. Raj Screw it I'm going in! Sheldon No No. That was what I said to Raj's mother last night.
So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard
The Harmony one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.
You see that’s the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I’m passionate about you.
Leonard
Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again
Well I’m serious. Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.
Leonard
Well, those things can still happen.
Oh, obviously it’s going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard
Big deal.
Leonard
So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.
Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.
You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.
AJArthur Jeffries
You know, I get that.
But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o’clock you’d come to my house on channel 68 and we’d do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up a hobo … or a surgeon.
Leonard
I bet there are important discoveries made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.
It’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That means a lot.
Leonard
It’s important you know how much mean to us.
Professor Proton, it is an honor to meet you.
Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said that I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.
No. A friend would have told me about the elevator.
Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my Mom saying its going to ruin my eyes.
Leonard
Actually he’s a genius.
That doesn't answer my question.
Leonard
Anyway, Stephen Hawking’s team is looking into that and I’ve been invited to join them.
Wow Hawking, good for you!
Leonard
Well it is. Just...you know I’d be gone for a while.
Leonard
Three - four months.
Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard
A couple weeks.
Wow. OK. Well, I’ll just come visit you.
Leonard
That’s the thing. You can’t. I’ll be on a ship in the North Sea.
On a ship? Aren’t they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard
He’s not going to be there. He’s just sending a team to research his theory.
Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard
Yeah, I’m a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I’d hate to do anything to screw that up.
Oh, sweetie. If you’re going to do anything to screw things up, it’s going to be while you’re here, not while you’re away.
Leonard
[on phone on deck of ship in storm] Sheldon! It's not a great time. What do you want?
Hello to you too. I'm sorry, but this is important.
Leonard
What is it?
Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3-case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2-case.
Leonard
SO?!
So... Did you do that or am I in the house with an intruder?
Leonard
Sheldon, I've got to go inside. It's getting rough out here.
You're dodging the question. I knew it was you. What was that?
Leonard
What was what?
This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.
Leonard
Okay, I'm hanging up now. You know there is no such thing as a kraaaa...
Leonard
So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
Leonard
Where do you think I would take you?
Who knows? You said you’d be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
Leonard
I’m going to work. You can come if you want.
OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.
Leonard
No, I don’t.
Hurts, doesn't it? You know I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.
Leonard
I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I’m in hell.
You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.
Leonard
Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?
All right, I’ll give you that one.
I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.
Leonard
We did them at Princeton too.
Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.
Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I’d always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story’s more sad than funny.
OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Should we just do couples?
Leonard
Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?
Leonard
I just said couples sound great.
Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her.]
Leonard
No, let’s do couples. I want to.
Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.
Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.
Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?
Maybe we pick names out of a hat?
Leonard
So how was school?
Oh, good. Check it out. The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard
You bought my Mom’s book?
Yes. It’s on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard
Oh. Come on. Not that book. It got like every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Oh cool. Are there pictures?
Leonard
Seriously, please find another book.
Oh come on. How bad could it be?
Leonard
The next chapter’s about the potty training. Bed wetting. Masturbation. Basically if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know, do whatever you want, just don’t talk to me about it.
Not even the chapter on the breast feeding crisis?
Leonard
It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one. She got a little lopsided.
Oh my God. You still go left.
PProfessor Proton
Can I ask you a question?
Leonard
Yeah, sure.
PProfessor Proton
Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard
Oh, um, you know. Because we’re friends.
PProfessor Proton
.... Why?
Leonard
Wow. You ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but you have to remember, he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how he is. Oh, but he’s also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.
PProfessor Proton
You know, you’re describing a dog.
Leonard
He did bite me once. But in his defense, I came up behind him while he was eating.
PProfessor Proton
They hate that.
Leonard
You know what. Sheldon is the smartest person I’ve ever met. He’s a little broke and he needs me. I guess I need him too.
PProfessor Proton
Why’s that?
Leonard
You will not let this go.
Leonard
So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.
Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.
Leonard
When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?
You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.
Leonard
Well, I don’t know how to do that.
How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.
Leonard
That’s stupid. Why?
You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.
Leonard
I’m telling you, try the hanger.
Put it on. Let’s share the experience.
Leonard
You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.
Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.
Leonard
Really?
How those nipples feeling, chief?
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
