Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Penny

[Talking about screenplay writer in bar] No, I'm talking to him because he's cute.

Leonard

Come on, he's not that cute.

Penny

Yes he is, with his dorky t-shirt and his little hipster glasses.

Leonard

[long pause] I wear dorky t-shirts and glasses.

Penny

Yeah, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically.

Howard

It's natural for Sheldon to be cranky when he has... [Howard reaches behind Sheldon and produces a quarter] a quarter in your ear!

Sheldon

Coins lodged in body-parts is not amusing. When I was young, Billy Sparks forced a Mexican Peso up my nose.

Howard

How is that not amusing?

Sheldon

It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.

Howard

Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!

Leonard

Next time you should open with that.

Leonard

So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?

Penny

Oh, that's a good question. How about "awkward'?

Leonard

That sounds right. [pauses] Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.

Leonard

So, Polly, tell me about yourself.

Leonard

Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...

Penny

[laughs] Okay let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to LA and becoming a movie star, anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above the bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!

Leonard

Ah, let's see, I am an experimental physicist at CalTech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.

Leonard

Oh, God no! [Penny laughs] The money's pretty good, and I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.

Penny

[laughs] Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?

Leonard

Not "some kind of nerd", I am the king of nerds!

Penny

[laughs] What does that mean?

Leonard

Uh, it means, if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.

Penny

[laughs] You are so funny!

Leonard

Good! Remember that when I take my shirt off.

Penny

That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again.

Leonard

Me too. I missed you.

Penny

You see me all the time. Are you sure you just don't miss the sex?

Leonard

Well, yeah. Sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?

Penny

I have. You are... not wrong. [pauses] I just think if we're gonna try dating again, we should take things slow.

Leonard

Oh, I can take it slow. Have I ever told you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day, she doesn't know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off.

Penny

Okay, well maybe not THAT slow.

Leonard

How about this? Are you familiar with the typical development for computer software?

Penny

Yup, just for fun, let's say I'm not.

Leonard

Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. We could do that. If we hit a rough spot, instead of getting mad, let's say, hey, we found a bug and report it so it can be fixed.

Penny

You mean like a Beta test?

Leonard

Technically, this would be an Alpha test. A Beta test requires the people that weren't involved in the development of the app...

Penny

Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing Beta test?

Sheldon

Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209? Clause 209 suspends our friendship.

Leonard

Where do I sign?

Sheldon

Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?

Leonard

If it means I can go home, yes.

Sheldon

Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips the functions of our Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials: financial duties, transportation, and a chin jut of recognition as we pass each other. [demonstrates] 'Sup?

Leonard

Where do I sign?

Leonard

Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes, Sheldon?

Sheldon

Five what?

Penny

[sitting on Sheldon's spot, starts to move when she sees him] Hey, sorry Sheldon, I'll move.

Sheldon

[does not seem bothered by Penny] Why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?

Penny

Okay, what just happened?

Leonard

I don't know... Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer, and Sheldon being okay with you sitting in his spot... I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Penny

All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.

Sheldon

Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.

Penny

All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.

Leonard

I'm sorry, what?

Penny

It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.

Sheldon

Amy, what do you think?

Amy

There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?

Leonard

Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.

Howard

You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.

Leonard

Good point. I'm in!

Sheldon

Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure!

Penny

Oh, that's great, let's open it up and put him in there!

Sheldon

Oh, good lord, no!

Penny

Why? They're just toys.

Sheldon

Mint in box!

Penny

C'mon, can't we open one up and take a look?

Leonard

No! Once you open the box it loses its value.

Penny

Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

Penny

So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.

Leonard

Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.

Penny

Why should I worry?

Leonard

I don't know, it's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?

Penny

Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.

Howard

Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no-go to space.

Leonard

I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.

Howard

Why?

Leonard

Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.

Howard

Yeah, so?

Leonard

When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia"?

Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.

LOUDER!

Bernadette

They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!

Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.

Penny

All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.

Leonard

Hmm.

Penny

Problem?

Leonard

No.

Sheldon

I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

Penny

Oh, grow up.

Leonard

I didn't say it.

Amy

That's enough from the both of you!

Penny

Well, he started it.

Amy

Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

Leonard

Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

Sheldon

Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.

Bernadette

Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!

Sheldon

Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.

I believe you two have prepared vows.

Bernadette

Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.

Howard

Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.

SPEAK UP.

Howard

From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.

By the power invested in us by the state of California...

Sheldon

..and the Klingon High Council...

..we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Bernadette

I love that man.

Me, too.

Penny

I can't believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

Leonard

This is it.

Sheldon

Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.

Howard

[from inside the rocket as it lifts off] Oy vay!