I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
It's true, man. [Points upward]
S4 E12An Eric Forman Christmas
[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]
What the hell?
Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]
Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!
Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!
Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!
What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!
Bob, are you drunk?!
I'm not sober!
So, dipping into the frankincense I see? Well, no more of that, okay? We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done. And no... spacemen! And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.
And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials. I mean when Rudolph's nose shone so bright, and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night, that was a great moment in American history!
Kelso... Rudolph was small, had a girly voice. And I'm pretty sure he's a little light on the hooves, if you know what I mean.
Of course he was light on the hooves. He could fly! [realizes the meaning to Hyde's joke] Ohhh! I would have guessed Prancer!
Well, you've all ignored me, so... I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence. Guys, let's do this thing.
[Pastor Dave suddenly walks inside]
What on God's green earth?!
Pastor Dave, I was just—
Oh, I know what you're doing. I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert. I was handing out leaflets!
No, but I wasn't—
Eric Forman, you're fired!
Well, you know what? Fine! [gets up and leaves the circle]
...Rudolph had a girlfriend! Her name was Clarice! She thought he was cute, okay?! If anyone was gay, it was that–that Hermey! I mean, no straight elf has hair like that!
S4 E13Jackie Says Cheese
[Eric and Red both grab the last waffle]
Hey...leggo my Eggo.
Hey...leggo my foot up your ass!
[Eric drops the waffle]
Watch this! [puts whipped cream on his bald spot] Look at me. I'm Whipped Cream Head! Fear me! All fear Whipped Cream Head!!
S4 E14Eric's Hot Cousin
[Jackie and Donna are not too pleased about Penny attracting much of the boys' attention]
Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.
I know. I mean, we don't go to her town and try and out-whore her. Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.
Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?
Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.
[Eric has scheduled a date with Penny at the basement]
Eric: Good evening, milady. 11 o'clock on the nose.
PPenny
Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]
Penny, there's no rat...
PPenny
[jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!
No, I was...
Eric, step away from your cousin.
No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.
PPenny
I'm not adopted.
Wh-What? What? She's lying!
Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?
I'm... sleepwalking?
And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.
PPenny
Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?
A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.
PPenny
Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?
Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.
Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.
S4 E15Tornado Prom
[hugs Fez] Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything. This could be our last night here on Earth!
Oh, no! I'm going to die a virgin!
Not if I can do something about it!
You can do what you want. There's a tornado coming!
[Red, Kitty, Bob and Joanne are playing Monopoly in the Formans' basement when the tornado is called off. Red folds up the Monopoly board.]
Call it a tie!
A tie? We had all the money!
We had the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! And you can't put a price on freedom, Bob.
S4 E16Donna Dates A Kelso
[The guys are at the Hub looking through their school yearbook]
Okay, you guys, which one of these lucky ladies gets to go out with Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
Start with the gymnastics team, but go with the second string. Just as limber, but with somethin' to prove.
How about her?
Yeah, I made out with her once.
Okay, I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue has been.
Oh, you better stay away from your mom, then. [laughs; Eric hits him] I was kidding!
My brother's not that bad, okay? He taught us lot of good, useful stuff about chicks; like, the bigger the boobs, the smaller the brain. That's a timeless truth.
S4 E17Kelso's Career
[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
[sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Big day at the office?
Yeah, I worked a double shift.
[Kitty finds out Red was high when he said "I love you" to Eric]
Red, you big old softie! Did anything special happen yesterday? Between you and Eric?
Special? Well, let's see... The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in and the sadistic son of a bitch found a cavity. The next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw. I spent the rest of the day in a fog.
Oh, no. Oh my God! You don't remember what you said to Eric?!
Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home.
[Eric walks in]
Alright, Dad. Look, I tried to figure out the right words and then I realized I just gotta say it, so...
Wait, Eric...
Mom, please. Dad, I...
[in slow motion] Stop! He was drugged!
...love you.
[Kitty turns to a shocked Red]
Go to your room!
S4 E18Leo Loves Kitty
[Jackie visits Kelso at a beach-theme photoshoot, where the photographer directs him]
PPhotographer
Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.
[sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.
Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...
No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?
I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...
Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.
B-But.
PPhotographer
OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Todd, what are you doing here?
TTodd
I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?
Yeah, I think so.
TTodd
Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.
You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.
[Red sees Leo at the door of the Forman house. Knowing that Leo likes Kitty, he is not pleased to see him]
Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a FIERY PASSION...that consumes my soul! That's right. So you can either walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my foot in your ass!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.