That '70s Show quotes

Eric

[speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!

Donna

No way!

Eric

Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?

Fez

My lips are sealed.

Eric

Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.

Hyde

You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!

Eric

Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.

Your secret's safe with me.

Kelso

You guys are not gonna believe this. Jackie cheated on me...with the CHEESE GUY!

Hyde

...[pretends to be shocked] No!

Kelso

Yeah. I was just as shocked as you are.

Fez

Thank God all she did was kiss him.

Donna

Yeah. Wait... How do you know all she did was kiss him?

Fez

Kiss? Nah, I didn't say kiss. Don't make fun of my accent!

Kelso

That cheese guy's lucky he's a little fella. Or I'd kick his ass. Just, BOOM! RIGHT IN THE ASS!

Young Eric

Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.

Young Hyde

Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.

Young Eric

Okay, Steven.

Young Hyde

And it's Hyde.

Young Eric

Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?

Young Hyde

That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.

Kitty

Well, now, who do we have here?

Young Eric

This is Hyde.

Kitty

Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!

Young Hyde

I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.

Red

Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!

Kitty

Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]

Red

I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]

Young Hyde

If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]

Hyde

Now I have to kill you.

Kelso

Oops, sorry!

Donna

[covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!

Kelso

Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see them, I'd stop!

Donna

[grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]

Kelso

They're beautiful...[collapses]

Eric

Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly...horribly wrong!

Red

Well, I have a prank too...one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] horribly, HORRIBLY... WRONG!

Red

[enters dining room] Ah good, all the half-wits are here. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get you. You won't know where, and you won't know when. But it will hurt. And you will cry. And I will laugh. And...did I mention it will hurt? Very good.

Eric

Kelso, you were supposed to come in through the side door!

Kelso

What?

Red

Eric, I need you to take out the–

Red

What the hell is this?!

Hyde

Eric did it because he hates you!

Eric

Hyde!

Hyde

Forman, every man for himself! [runs away]

Eric

Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly... horribly wrong!

Red

Well, I have a prank too... One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY... WRONG! I can’t even think of a punishment big enough for this! But trust me, it’s going to be awful! The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war! [walks upstairs]

Fez

Guys... who’s Harry Truman?

Kelso

He invented electricity, dumbass.

Eric

Um, you wanted to see me?

Red

Did you take my car out last night?

Eric

No.

Red

I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.

Eric

A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.

Red

Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.

Eric

I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?

Red

Start her up.

Eric

Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.

Red

For a month! Why did you do it?

Eric

To impress this cheerleader.

Red

No kidding? ... Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?

Eric

Well, can I have the car again?

Red

Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.

Hyde

[calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.

Eric

You know what? Let's just call it a month.

Jackie

Michael...

Kelso

[groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?

Jackie

Yes, you are.

Kelso

Are we gonna do it?

Jackie

Yes, we are.

Kelso

Cool. Where's Donna?

Jackie

WHAT?! [attacks Kelso]

Kelso

[As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.

Red

[After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!

Kelso

Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]

Red

[Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!

Kelso

Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]

Fez

So what do you think?

Leo

I think whatever you're on I'll take two of em!

Kitty

Okay kids it's nighty night time.

Hyde

Night mom!

Fez

That's my mama!

Eric

I love you Fez.

Hyde

I love you more!

Red

I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.

Kitty

Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!

Awwwww!

Hyde

Oh, guys, Fez's concert's about to start. Which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass! Let's eat his candy!

Donna

Yeah. [imitating Fez] "My name is Fez, I love candy! Whore! Good day! I said good day!"

Eric

Yeah, and the best part is that idiot actually thinks I'm his friend. [chuckles] Like I care! I wish he were dead. Oh, hey, we should kill him!

Kelso

No, I got a better idea. Let's sing without him.

Eric

Well, I called the lame motel. Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.

Fez

And Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.

Kelso

Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie's cheese. [holds up piece of paper with...] Some guy Phil's phone number. I–I can't take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde. She's cheating on me again!

Hyde

Kelso, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe I don't care! Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all... Simon and Garfunkely. You gotta get Bruce Springsteeny... Springsteenian... Springsteenicious. ...Wait, what are we talking about?

Eric

Hey, you guys, I am not jealous. I’m just looking out for her. I mean... Donna’s practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister. Who I’ve done it with. About a million times.

Hyde

Look, maybe Donna and Casey won’t even do it tonight. I’d call it... 50/50.

Eric

You would?

Hyde

Oh, I’d be wrong. But I’d call it that to keep you from doing something stupid.

Kelso

When guys cheat, it's because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat, it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.

Jackie

We do, too.

Jackie

Because I don't want to do it right now.

Kelso

I do. Point made. Thank you!