That '70s Show quotes

Fez

Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.

So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?

I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?

It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.

I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.

You gonna eat that?

I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.

My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke...or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?

Okay. So guess which leg's real.

I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.

Fez

So? What do you think?

Hyde

You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.

Fez

No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.

Hyde

Yeah. Right.

I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.

Leo

It's true, man.

I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-

Kitty

Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.

Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.

Red

Well, I'm sold.

Kelso

Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.

Fez

Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.

Eric

Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?

Donna

You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.

Eric

God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?

Hyde

Okay, that one was out of the park.

Kelso

So Midge just... took off?

Fez

Ah, poor Donna.

Eric

Yeah, this is really bad.

Hyde

Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.

Fez

Oh, good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens! Remember that sweater?

Kelso

Remember that other sweater?

Eric

Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?

Hyde

Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?

Kitty

[snaps them out of their daydream] Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?

Eric

Nothing.

Hyde

Homework.

Kelso

Jesus.

Fez

Kittens.

Kitty

Eric, I need you to take a casserole to the Pinciottis. So run upstairs and put on a nice, clean shirt and a sport coat.

Eric

What? No. I'm not going over there. Donna and I broke up, and things are... weird with us.

Kitty

Well, that's too bad. Because I went over there, and Bob's a crier. And a hugger. And when you get caught in a crying-Bob hug, there is no escape! AND I CANNOT GO BACK OVER THERE!!

Kelso

72936.... ampersand?

Eric

Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.

Kelso

You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.

Jackie

Ugly, fat, whorey, old, whorey, old, four-eyes, ugly, fat.

Kelso

Oh, this one's kinda cute. [Jackie hits him] AH! I mean, for a fatty. [Jackie hits him again...] AH! I mean for a... whore? [...and again] AHH! Damn, Jackie! What do you want me to say?!

Fez

Oh, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.

Eric

You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me but now that I'm all paranoid I'm all, like paranoid. I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?

Hyde

Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate pretty boy.

Kelso

That's me. So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after and I choose Travolta.

Hyde

Kelso...I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film. Bravo, man. [claps hands]

Eric

That is good advice. Man, I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.

Jackie

Yeah, and Donna's a big mouth. Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.

Eric

What? Ha, I did not! I did not. I had a zit. Stop looking at me.

Hyde

Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment. Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor. He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.

Kelso

[impersonating Travolta as Tony Manero] Yeah, I stock this shelf! But someday I'm gonna dance across this whole city. [back to own voice] That's dead-on.

Fez

There is no money, you son of a bitch!

Leo

Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.

Fez:

[to parrot] That means you, too, Feathered Frank! Good day.

But, FEZ!

Fez

I said, good day!

At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.

Eric

Okay...what, do you like, you like my dad? [Stacey looks away and to twirls her hair] OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY DAD!?

You know if he's seeing anyone?

Eric

Yeah, my mom! And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.

Eric

Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.

Kelso

Yeah we kinda expected that.

Hyde

Thought you said you had news.

Eric

Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]

Donna

Oh my God!

Kelso

Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!

Eric

Why?

Kelso

Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!

Donna

Technically I got you. And then you blew it.

Donna

Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]

Hyde

That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.

How soft is he Hyde?

Hyde

Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!

Kelso

Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!

Fez

Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!

Kelso

Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!

Why are you friends with him?

Hyde

I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]

Eric

Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?

Hyde

I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!

Jackie

Rhonda? How did you get in?

I used my key.

Jackie

Michael, why don't I got a key?

Kelso

Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

Fez

Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, when she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!

Kelso

Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know! You see, it's bulletproof!

[to Hyde] Why are you friends with him?

Hyde

I don't know.

Eric

Hyde, what the hell?! What is she doing in my seat?

Hyde

I don't know. Hee-hee, that's a good one, Kelso!

[to Eric] Just sit on the floor.

Eric

The floor? You want me to sit on the floor? Visitors get the floor, alright?! And that’s you, Terri Tube-Top! Oh, and by the way, it’s winter!

[scoffs] You’re a drag. [gets up and leaves the circle]

Eric

[sits down next to Hyde and Kelso] Okay, well... Sayonara, Yoko! What? We’re kind of like the Beatles.