Steven Hyde quotes from That '70s Show

Eric

These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!

Kelso

[wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!

Hyde

Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.

Jackie

Why are you guys all in Steven's room?

Fez

Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.

Jackie

Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.

Hyde

Really, I always thought it? was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.

Kelso

Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.

You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.

Hyde

You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.

Kelso

Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.

Eric

Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.

Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.

Jackie

Hey, those sluts are my heroes.

Kelso

Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.

We back up our own.

Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!

Kelso

Eric, I can’t believe you knocked up a girl, too! I mean, you lose points for not doing it in a public place, but hey! Give me five!

Eric

Kelso, I don’t really think this is a “give me five” moment, okay? I am really freaked out! ...Well, right now I’m not so much freaked out as starving, and... fascinated by your nose!

Kelso

Yeah, it’s perfect. You’d be amazed at what I can fit up in there. But the important thing is that you have responsibilities now, so you gotta step up like I did.

Hyde

Look, if you mean you stepped up on a urinal to climb out of a window to get away from the girl you got pregnant... Then, yeah, you stepped up.

Eric

[notices Fez’s absence in the circle] Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you really must have pissed him off. He hasn’t stayed away this long since he discovered bubble baths.

Kelso

Yeah, Fez still isn't talking to me. But I think he's calling, 'cause every once in a while, I pick up the phone and all I hear is breathing, and the crinkle of a candy being unwrapped.

Hyde

Man, we are sitting in the circle talking about relationships! What happened to us?! This stash must be from California.

Kelso

It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.

Fez

Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.

Kelso

Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.

Hyde

Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.

Kelso

Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."

Jackie

Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.

Kelso

So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.

Hyde

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.

Eric

I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?

Kelso

One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.

Cadet Mike.

Kelso

Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.

Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.

Hyde

Trouble and Maker. That's clever.

Fez

I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.

Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.

Kelso

No, sir. Not at all, sir.

Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.

Kelso

He's a good man.

Hyde

All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.

Donna

Okay, Kelso: Truth or dare.

Kelso

Uh... truth.

Donna

Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?

Kelso

...I mean, dare.

Fez

You have snuck in there! I was there and I saw you! ...I mean, dare.

Jackie

Okay, Steven: Truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be... telling me that you love me!

Hyde

Okay. [sighs] Pass.

Mitch

Okay, Mitch: Truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps at himself] Mitch! Naughty Mitch!

Donna

Mitch, you goofball. That’s not how that works. You have to be, like, "I dare you to kiss me."

Mitch

Okay.

Eric

WHAT THE HELL?!

Kelso

Oh, he did it!

Fez

Look at him go! He's like a hummingbird!

Kitty

[holding a Darth Vader action figure] Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your little doll?

Eric

ACTION FIGURE! [looks at the action figure] Oh, no.

Hyde

In the tub, Forman? It's getting really hard to be your friend.

Eric

You know, I never stopped loving you.

Donna

Eric... [kisses Eric]

Kelso

Hyde, I never stopped loving you, either. [takes Hyde's hand in his]

Hyde

[pretends to tear up] Don't. I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

Fez

You guys better be kidding, or I'm gonna be super pissed!

Red

What the hell's the matter with you? Stealing my cable!!

Hyde

Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at the carwash girl? She is so sudsy.

Red

You drilled a hole in my floor. My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!

Hyde

Red, the carwash girls have to make 500 dollars, or their super-freaky love nest is gonna turn into a bookstore.

Red

Look there's only one clicker, and it's upstairs. My cable, my channel! [walks back up]

Hyde

Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?

Kelso

[holds up paddle] Duh.

Fez

Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.

Kelso

Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?

Hyde

I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.

Kelso

Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.

Hyde

Falling for what?

Kelso

The old helmet gag.

Hyde

Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.

Kelso

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!

One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]

Kelso

Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!

Kelso

We'll get a running start. And then, I'll jump in and zoom down the hill like the bobsledders do.

Fez

And then, because this is a canoe on dirt and gravel instead of a bobsled on ice, bad things are gonna happen to you.

Kelso

This is why I'm a legend, Fez.

Hyde

Alright, Kelso. [picks up the Stupid Helmet] This time you're wearing a helmet.

Kelso

Thanks, Hyde, but I think I'm not gonna put on a helmet with a bunch of worms and stuff crammed inside.

Hyde

It's not a prank!

Kelso

Well, now it's not, 'cause I didn't fall for it!

Hyde

It finally happened. I've become the boy who cried helmet.

Kelso

Okay, on three. ...Go!

Kelso

WOOHOO! [jumps; lands with a thud] Holy crap! Did you see me bounce off of that tree?!

Hyde

Forman, your bachelor party's tonight. We're going to a strip club, so don't forget your inhaler.

Eric

Come on, Hyde. I don't need a silly bachelor party.

Hyde

Oh, come on, man. It'll be one last night of the finest debauchery that Point Place has to offer.

Eric

Hyde, all I need is my sweetie here for the rest of my life.

Donna

It's alright, Eric. You can go.

Eric

Alright! I'm gonna see nudies!

Kitty

[walks into the kitchen] Oh, Eric, you're not going to one of those hoochie mama shows, are you?

Hyde

Don't worry, Mrs. Forman. I'll return your son in the same slightly girly condition that he leaves in.

Eric

Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.

Kelso

No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."

Eric

No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.

Hyde

Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?

Eric

Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.

Hyde

That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?

Eric

Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.

Kelso

Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.

Hyde

So who's gonna be your best man?

Eric

Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?

Hyde

Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.

Kelso

All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.

Hyde

You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.

Kelso

Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.