Steven Hyde quotes from That '70s Show

Red

So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.

Hyde

That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.

Donna

An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]

Hyde

[laughs] Can't close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin' to freak me out. Leo's the best.

Kelso

Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin' son of a bitch!

Jackie

You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn't Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I'll never forget that.

Fez

I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I'd like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I'll bet I look like a stallion.

Hyde

So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!

To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]

I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we're lookin' for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They'll just leave me like everybody else.

Jackie

So Roy, seem a little depressed there.

Yeah, I'm teeterin' on the brink.

Hyde

Maybe I can do somethin' to cheer you up.

Really? Oh, that'd be great.

So I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone's tellin' me to jump. I was just out for a jog.

Hyde

Okay Roy, here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna take that job as cook and keep you company; on two conditions. I'm not gonna work very hard, and you're gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it'll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.

Great! And if it's work related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.

Red

Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.

Kitty

And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.

Hyde

Told you to look where you were goin'.

Jackie

Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

Eric

You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.

Red

Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?

Hyde

Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.

Kitty

Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.

Hyde

Look, nothing was going on.

Eric

Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!

Red

Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.

Red

[learning Eric is selling his albums for money] You know, it occurs to me, that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.

Eric

Well, it occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Red

Keep up with the smart-mouth, and my foot'll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass! [leaves]

Hyde

You know, Forman, you should write a book: Things My Father Threatened to Put in My Ass. Chapter One: His Foot. I'd buy that!

Eric

[singing along to Anne Murray] "And even though I ain't got money, I'm so..." who am I kidding? After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey. Must you mock me, Anne Murray?

Hyde

Kelso, because of your pantie shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito. [takes burrito from Kelso]

Kelso

Hey, Hyde. You're not the boss of me! ...Alright. But you can't tell me what to do... shoot. Well, at least I'm still my own man. ...No, I'm not! [gets up and leaves the circle]

Fez

What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now? Combing each other's hair? Applying moisturizer to their "all-overness"? Oh, to be a fly on that boob.

Eric

All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks. Life's more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray? Anne Murray. What do you know about hard times? [scoffs] Canada.

Hyde

I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.

Fez

Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!

Eric

Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.

Kelso

Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!

Hyde

Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

Hyde

Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?

Donna

You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything!

Eric

Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this. 'Cause... I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college.

Kelso

This peach cobbler... is amazing! I love how they have a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin' on a counter!

Jackie

See? We don't need anyone else. We have lots of interesting things to say. [to Hyde] Right?

Hyde

...Hey. There's this car that runs on water.

Hyde

It runs on water, man!

Jackie

...and that's when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!

Hyde

Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-

Jackie

And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]

Hyde

And I'm really sorry okay. I promise it'll never happen again.

Jackie

[voice breaking up] That's exactly what Michael used to say!

Hyde

C'mon Jackie-

Jackie

No, you know what Steven, I'm sorry. It's over. [gets out of the car and walks away]

Hyde

[turns on radio] Huh, finally get country music.

Eric

It was awful. I saw Laurie, and everything just went blank, and I just ran. I just ran away. And then I heard these high-pitched screams.... and it was me.

Donna

Yeah? Well, I've got bigger problems. Fez is a good artist. He's gonna paint me onto a nudie poster, and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina, or wherever the hell he's from. Eric, I'm gonna be Ms. Nude Argentina.

Jackie

You know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass... makes me really glad I'm not poor.

Kelso

Check out that fire, baby. Yeah, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning a small fire into a big fire. Man, that one guitar-shaped log is roarin'! [looks more closely into the fire] What the... Is that my guitar?!

Hyde

Yep. Nice, warm sound.

Red

Hey Steven. Where's your beer?

Hyde

What? Me, beer?

Red

Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.

Hyde

Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]

Jackie

Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.

Hyde

You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]

Donna

How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]

Jackie

You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.

Puddin' Pop?

Hyde

Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.

Fez

We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?

Hyde

Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.

Jackie

Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!

Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.

Eric

Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.

I guess now you really fill it out!

Eric

Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..

No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.

You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.

Eric

No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]

Kelso

You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.

Eric

No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?

Hyde

Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.

Jackie

Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.

Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.

Kelso

Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner -- oh, and some kids that took Latin.

Hyde

This is fun.

So how do you all know each other?

Jackie

Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.

Hyde

Then I stole her from him.

Wait -- what?

Kelso

Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.

Okay. Wait a minute.

Kelso

It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.

Hyde

He brought up the sisters. Awesome.

Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.

Kelso

No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.

Jackie

That's not helping.

Kelso

Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.

Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [gets up and leaves.]

Kelso

Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.

Eric

[after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.

Red

Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.

Eric

Wait, but Dad...

Kitty

No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.

Red

[after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!

Hyde

Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?

Red

I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.

Kelso

Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]

Red

All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.

Eric

But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]

Hyde

Hey look Fez, just like your frog.

Red

Ah, well. It was broken anyway.

Eric

No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.

Kitty

Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.