Steven Hyde quotes from That '70s Show

Hyde

Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.

Donna

Hyde, what did he say?

Hyde

He said he's really sorry.

Donna

He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?

Hyde

It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.

Kelso

Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?

Fez

You look dorky.

Donna

Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.

Fez

Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.

Kelso

Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.

Jackie

[enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.

Hyde

And you brought me flowers?

Jackie

No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?

Kitty

Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.

Hyde

I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]

Jackie

Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.

Fez

Is it Donna's engagement ring?

Jackie

No. No it's too big for that.

Hyde

Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.

Eric

Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]

Kelso

Burn!

Donna

I didn't say anything!

Kelso

Then say something.

Donna

It could've been bigger.

Kelso

BURN!

Red

Steven? When are you moving out?

Hyde

Soon.

Red

How's your girlfriend?

Hyde

Shallow as hell.

Red

Job?

Hyde

Dead end.

Red

Future?

Hyde

Bleak.

Red

Kitty, feed the boy.

Red:

So William? What kind of work do you do?

I own a chain of record stores.

Hyde

Record stores...That's cool, huh? I was afraid you where gonna be a cop or something?

I don't like cops.

Hyde

I don't like cops either...Hey, who do you think shot JFK?

I don't know because they [points up] don't want me to know.

Hyde

[to Red] I heard you fire a lot of people, and I’ve never heard you say, “I hope there’s another job out there for you.” You say, “I hope my foot doesn’t get stuck in your ass.” Or, “Don’t let my foot get stuck in your ass on your way out the door.” Or the classic, “I’m gonna stick my foot in your ass.”

Red

Just get outta here.

So, Steven, how was your first day?

Hyde

Well, I'm kinda glad there isn't a window in here...because I woulda jumped out of it.

[laughing] Ah, you kids and your suicide jokes!

Hyde

I don't know what's happening to me. I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy, who told me a story about accounts receivable. Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.

Jackie

Say Flowchart again.

Kelso

I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

Donna

Um, that's not how evolution works.

Kelso

Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

Hyde

Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Hyde

Angie totally set me up, man. I should've seen this coming when I found out she was a math major. Those girls are always bitches!

Kelso

You know what your problem is, Hyde? I'm too good looking.

Eric

Hey, guys. Just to jump off topic here for a sec… When you’re dancing to… say, like, Donna Summer, do you ever wish you were on wheels?

Hyde

Forman, so many parts of what you just said make me want to kick your ass.

Kelso

Eric, you know what your problem is? I’m too good-looking.

Hyde

I love hittin’ it.

Jackie

I love that you taught me to love hittin’ it. You know, this is the first time we’ve hit it at... Hey. This place doesn’t have a name yet!

Donna

We should call it, “Hot Wax Records”... but with a “Z.” Recordz. Z’s are so rock ‘n roll!

Hyde

“Funk Man’s House of Funk,” “Funk Man’s Funky House of Funk.” “Funky Man’s Funky House of Hittin’ It”! [laughs] You guys writing this down or what?!

Hyde

Okay, here’s the situation. Thanksgiving Night, everything’s closed. We need to find a hundred record bins by midnight. It’s the same damn thing every year.

Jackie

Wait, I have a question. …How does hair know to grow? And how far inside your head does it go? Does it touch your brain?

Hyde

Okay, I think we need to get Jerry Garcia here some coffee.

Fez

Let the girl rap. I will sing to it! What do you think about my head?

Kelso

The Head, that’s the name! I saved the day!

Donna

You know what would be perfect for the records? Those boxes that milk bottles come in. They’re like crates… or crepes. Crepes! How good are crepes?!

Hyde

That’ll work, man. We need, like, fifty empty milk crates.

Jackie

Well, how are we gonna drink all that milk? Wait! We need fifty boxes of cookies!

Hyde

No, wastoid! We’ll steal the crates! It’s perfect. Milk crates.

Donna

Milk crates.

Kelso

Milk crates.

Fez

Milky craties!

Eric

Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It's fun! So guess what -- Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.

Hyde

Shut up, you little twizzler!

Eric

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!

Kitty

Steven, I can't believe you thought I'd like these Sex Pistols. [returns copy of Never Mind the Bollocks LP to Hyde]

Hyde

I'm sorry Mrs. Forman, [sighs] I'll make it up to you. Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?

Kitty

Well that's what Judas needed, a priest [laughs and looks at record] Are they spiritual?

Hyde

I listen to them every Sunday.