Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
KelsoFez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
JJill
Why are you friends with him?
I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!
[Jackie sees Big Rhonda in the Forman basement]
Rhonda? How did you get in?
Michael, why don't I got a key?
Kelso
Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.
Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, when she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Kelso
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know! You see, it's bulletproof!
JJill
[to Hyde] Why are you friends with him?
[Hyde starts making out with Jill. Eric appears behind them]
Hyde, what the hell?! What is she doing in my seat?
I don't know. Hee-hee, that's a good one, Kelso!
JJill
[to Eric] Just sit on the floor.
The floor? You want me to sit on the floor? Visitors get the floor, alright?! And that’s you, Terri Tube-Top! Oh, and by the way, it’s winter!
JJill
[scoffs] You’re a drag. [gets up and leaves the circle]
[sits down next to Hyde and Kelso] Okay, well... Sayonara, Yoko! What? We’re kind of like the Beatles.
[Hyde gets up and leaves the circle]
Kelso
I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?
Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
Kelso
Really? Well, where do you think God lives?
It's true, man. [Points upward]
So, dipping into the frankincense I see? Well, no more of that, okay? We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done. And no... spacemen! And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.
Kelso
And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials. I mean when Rudolph's nose shone so bright, and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night, that was a great moment in American history!
Kelso... Rudolph was small, had a girly voice. And I'm pretty sure he's a little light on the hooves, if you know what I mean.
Of course he was light on the hooves. He could fly! [realizes the meaning to Hyde's joke] Ohhh! I would have guessed Prancer!
Well, you've all ignored me, so... I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence. Guys, let's do this thing.
[Pastor Dave suddenly walks inside]
What on God's green earth?!
Oh, I know what you're doing. I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert. I was handing out leaflets!
Eric Forman, you're fired!
Well, you know what? Fine! [gets up and leaves the circle]
Kelso
...Rudolph had a girlfriend! Her name was Clarice! She thought he was cute, okay?! If anyone was gay, it was that–that Hermey! I mean, no straight elf has hair like that!
[The guys are at the Hub looking through their school yearbook]
Okay, you guys, which one of these lucky ladies gets to go out with Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
Start with the gymnastics team, but go with the second string. Just as limber, but with somethin' to prove.
Kelso
Yeah, I made out with her once.
Okay, I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue has been.
Kelso
Oh, you better stay away from your mom, then. [laughs; Eric hits him] I was kidding!
[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
[sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Kelso
Yeah, I worked a double shift.
[Jackie visits Kelso at a beach-theme photoshoot, where the photographer directs him]
PPhotographer
Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.
Kelso
[sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.
Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...
Kelso
No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?
I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...
Kelso
Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.
PPhotographer
OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Todd, what are you doing here?
TTodd
I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?
TTodd
Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.
You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.
Kelso
You guys are not gonna believe this. Jackie cheated on me...with the CHEESE GUY!
...[pretends to be shocked] No!
Kelso
Yeah. I was just as shocked as you are.
Thank God all she did was kiss him.
Yeah. Wait... How do you know all she did was kiss him?
Kiss? Nah, I didn't say kiss. Don't make fun of my accent!
Kelso
That cheese guy's lucky he's a little fella. Or I'd kick his ass. Just, BOOM! RIGHT IN THE ASS!
[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]
Kelso
Oops, sorry!
[covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!
Kelso
Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see them, I'd stop!
[grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]
Kelso
They're beautiful...[collapses]
[The guys try to pull a prank on Kelso that ends up backfiring]
Kelso, you were supposed to come in through the side door!
Kelso
What?
Eric, I need you to take out the–
[A bucket of oatmeal dunks on Red’s head as he walks through the side door]
Eric did it because he hates you!
Forman, every man for himself! [runs away]
Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly... horribly wrong!
Well, I have a prank too... One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY... WRONG! I can’t even think of a punishment big enough for this! But trust me, it’s going to be awful! The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war! [walks upstairs]
Guys... who’s Harry Truman?
Kelso
He invented electricity, dumbass.
[Kelso is going through Red's tools to find a saw to cut down a street sign the gang wants to give to Hyde for his birthday]
Kelso
[As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.
[After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!
Kelso
Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]
[Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!
Kelso
Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]
Oh, guys, Fez's concert's about to start. Which means we have three more hours without his sorry ass! Let's eat his candy!
Yeah. [imitating Fez] "My name is Fez, I love candy! Whore! Good day! I said good day!"
Yeah, and the best part is that idiot actually thinks I'm his friend. [chuckles] Like I care! I wish he were dead. Oh, hey, we should kill him!
Kelso
No, I got a better idea. Let's sing without him.
Well, I called the lame motel. Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.
And Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.
Kelso
Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie's cheese. [holds up piece of paper with...] Some guy Phil's phone number. I–I can't take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde. She's cheating on me again!
Kelso, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe I don't care! Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all... Simon and Garfunkely. You gotta get Bruce Springsteeny... Springsteenian... Springsteenicious. ...Wait, what are we talking about?
Hey, you guys, I am not jealous. I’m just looking out for her. I mean... Donna’s practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister. Who I’ve done it with. About a million times.
Look, maybe Donna and Casey won’t even do it tonight. I’d call it... 50/50.
Oh, I’d be wrong. But I’d call it that to keep you from doing something stupid.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
