Michael Kelso quotes from That '70s Show

Eric

Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

Kelso

[quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...

Hyde

No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.

Kelso

True.

Hyde

Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

Kelso

So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.

Hyde

Cash.

Kelso

Which is...

Decent!

Hyde

You know, I thought about it... and I’m going to the disco. Just on the off-chance that they might mix up a little rock ‘n roll, man.

Kelso

Yeah, well I have something to say. I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes... and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!

Eric

So, no more for Kelso. He's toasted!

Fez

I would like some toast if you're making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!

Hyde

Oh! I read somewhere that there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah. [laughs] And their minds are so advanced, they can actually think themselves to death, man!

Kelso

Well... I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about.

Eric

Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here! But then later, I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant, man!

Fez

...Someone go make toast right now.

Hyde

Hey, we should record our conversation, man. Yeah! Then we can play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!

Kelso

[laughs] Yeah, well... I read somewhere that there's these people in France!

Hyde

What do they do?

Kelso

You see, they're incredibly... French!

Eric

See, that's brilliant, man! I'm gettin' the tape recorder! [gets up and leaves the circle]

Fez

Where's my toast, you idiots?!

Fez

I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

Hyde

It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

Eric

Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Kelso

Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Hyde

Hey Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso

I guess she didn't take it well.

Red

Take what well? [looks at Kelso]

Kelso

[smiles] Eric made out with Kate.

Red

Anything else?

Fez

Your son is a whore!

Donna

[to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?

Kelso

We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.

Eric

Your shirt's on inside-out.

Kelso

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Kelso

I miss Eric.

Jackie

Well, you still have me.

Kelso

It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.

Jackie

OK, well like what?

Kelso

Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

Jackie

MICHAEL!

Kelso

See, I can't talk to you.

Number 10, your order is ready.

Kelso

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.

Kelso

Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!

Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

Kelso

You have both your legs Frank...

Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

Well, hello there!

Kelso

Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?

Oh, I'm going... wherever you're going!

Kelso

Wow, that's lucky!

So, did it hurt?

Kelso

What?

When you fell down from heaven!

Kelso

No, I'm fine!

Eric

I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.

Fez

I... uh, don't know my phone number.

Hyde

I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.

Kelso

No offense, but isn't every night [nudges Hyde] "poker night" for Edna?

Jackie

I can't believe you, Michael.

Kelso

What?

Jackie

You can't just maul me in front of my father!

Kelso

I bet he didn't even notice.

Jackie

He yelled at you to stop it.

Kelso

I thought he was yelling at you.

Kelso

Tonight, [sniffles] I learned there's a price to be paid for doing it. She said forever, man. And I think she meant it.

Fez

The inside of my mouth feels like cotton. As if cotton was in my mouth.

Hyde

Kelso, man... Women are like muffins, okay? And once you've had a muffin, man, you will put up with anything to have another muffin! And they know that! Now she really owns you, man.

Eric

Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?

Hyde

I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.

Fez

Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

Hyde

No such thing as too much, Fez.

Eric

Sorry I was late. We were at the Hub and then I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says...

Red

Blah-blah-blah. You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.

Kelso

[very angrily] That's real easy for you to say, pal! [leaves]

Red

That kid's on dope.

Kelso

Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?

Hyde

Anyone with a quarter?

Kelso

NO, ME!

Fez

Damn, and I had a quarter.

Jackie

Well, I have a date too.

Kelso

Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie

His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.

Kelso

Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

Fez

I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde

Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Fez

Screw that.

Hyde

Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Eric

Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Kelso

Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.