SquidwardI gotta try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV...
[He turns on the TV to see a show with boxes on a conveyor belt in a factory]
MTMale TV narrator
It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.
[Changes the channel to an old professor talking about a box equation on a chalkboard.]
PProfessor
The equation is illustrated here by zis box.
[Changes the channel to a soap opera with Nat Peterson and Incidental 48]
I couldn't afford a present this year... so I got ya this box. [holds up a box]
I4Incidental 48
That's what I got you! [holds up another box]
Squidward
Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?!
[Changes the channel to a boxing match on TV]
AAnnouncer
And welcome back to Championship Boxing!
Squidward
Heh-heh, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.
[Shows two boxes "boxing" each other in the ring]
Squidward
I give up.
Squidward
[Bubble transition as he looks in his closet] There's gotta be one in here! [finds a small, round green box] Ah! This hat box should do nicely. [pulls out a Mexican sombrero] Why haven't I worn this yet? [throws it off-screen, gets in the box, but he is too big for it and then just sits there. He then frowns with smoking present, looks at his watch, and then gets mad and kicks the box. Police sirens are heard]
PIPoliceman Inside Box
Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
Squidward
What do they want with me? What did I do? [gasps] Obviously I violated some new box kicking law. [walks out of his house showing the green box] Look, officers, everything's okay. I won't do it again.
CICriminal Inside Box
You'll never take me alive, coppers!
MIMan Inside Box
No, Johnny! Don't do it! [Police sirens are heard. Squidward gets angry and kicks his green box toward SpongeBob and Patrick's box]
[opens box and sirens stop] Whoopee! Another box! [takes the hat box and closes the box they're sitting in and police sirens are heard again]
[The two are trying to reverse the effects of a shrink ray on Mermaid Man's utility belt]
You know what the problem is?
You got it set to "M" for "mini"... [turns the "M" on the belt upside down] ...When it should be set to "W" for "wumbo".
Patrick, I don't think "wumbo" is a real word.
Come on! You know. I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, wumbo! Wumbo, wumboing ...
Squidward
[thinking] I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me.
...Wumbology - the study of wumbo? It's first grade, Spongebob.
Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you.
Barnacles! I'll never find-- [sees the tombstone and it shows his real name, Smitty Werben Man Jensen] The grave! Am I really going to defile this grave for money? Of course I am! [digs and hits something] Jackpot! [opens up the coffin] Ooh. It's beautiful. Come to papa. [takes the head off with the hat on] Hey, come on, Smitty, let go! [takes his head off] Rest in pieces, Smitty. [jumps out of the hole] I got the million dollar hat.
[lightning and thunder booms. Smitty stands up from his grave with his head in one hand]
SSmitty
Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.
What? No way. Just crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.
SSmitty
I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.
Yeah, right. You and what army? [But then, the skeleton zombie army came with an eerie moaning]
SSmitty
Only the army of the living dead. [all the other dead bodies are walking towards Mr. Krabs]
[scared] Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show! You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards, then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!
SSmitty
That's disgusting. We just want the hat back.
No flipping way! [takes the head of a swordfish and uses it as a sword] Back off! Back off, I say!
SSmitty
Attack. [the skeleton zombies ready to draw their weapons]
Tallyho! [sword fights a few zombies] Look at me, I'm Errol Fin! [chops up more bodies] You're falling apart, marrow brain! You must be kidding. [sword fights them] Back to oblivion! [jumps over a group of zombies] Oh, ho! How's your sister? All right, boneheads. Playtime's over. Yee-hoo! Ha-ha! [twirls around and destroys more of the skeleton zombies in the morning Mr. Krabs finishes destroying all the skeleton zombies and runs out of the cemetery] Wa-ha! A million dollars. I've got a million dollars! [runs back to his curio stand where the fish are talking altogether at once] Oh, there you are. Well, I got it. The rare novelty soda drinking hat. Let's start the bidding at one million dollars! [all of the fish look at each other and then laugh]
Yeah, you want that all at once?
F3Fish #3
One million dollars. You gotta be kidding!
Hey! The poor sap's not kidding. Didn't you hear? They found a whole warehouse full of them. THEY'RE WORTHLESS! [the camera goes to a bunch of soda drinking hats are in the dumpster. The fish crack up laughing. SpongeBob walks by with a hat that has clapping hands on the top of it]
Let's give Mr. Krabs a big hand. [laughs]
Now that's worth a million dollars. [SpongeBob laughs again and he leaves the background. Nat runs after him and the other fish follow] Hey, kid, wait up!
F2Fish #2
I saw him first!
F3Fish #3
I'll give you one billion dollars!
[Fred rows his row-boat along the ground to chase SpongeBob]
Well, that's a spirit breaker. [throws the soda drinking hat away and breaks down sobbing]
Squidward
[walks by with flowers in hand] What a baby. [walks off and the episode ends]
Squidward
Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they're going to see I'm just a big phony and a loser!
Ohh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin. [rubs his fingers and sad violin music plays]
Squidward
This is serious!
I know. This really is the world's smallest violin. [tiny violin is shown] See?
Squidward
Mr. Krabs! Please let me run the restaurant for just one night! I really need to impress Squilliam!
Squilliam? [Squilliam's unibrow appears above Mr. Krabs' head] That guy who made millions doing what you wish you could do?
Squidward
Don't rub it in.
Why didn't you tell me? We'll take him to the cleaners.
Squidward
Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. [Patrick appears with an army hat] Patrick, what are you doing here?
I thought the core would help me straighten out my life, sir!
Squidward
The core? What---- Pat, this isn't the...oh! [sighs] Beggars can't be choosers. Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
You mean like a weenie? Okay! [talking silly with a goofy expression on his face] May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
Squidward
[puts his hand over Patrick's mouth] Alright! I've heard enough! You've got the job.
SSquilliam
What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It's as if all he knows is fine dining, and breathing! [to SpongeBob] I must know your name!
[Record scratches as SpongeBob is nervous]
SSquilliam
Yes, your name, son.
SSquilliam
[chuckles] No, your name.
Uh... uh... the fork on the left?
Squidward
Heh. Stop joking. Tell him your name.
[Zoom inside of SpongeBob's brain again where all the SpongeBobs are trying to search for a name]
SSSmaller SpongeBob #3
[as he checks file cabinets] What's his name?! What's his name?! I've got nothing on a name!
SSSmaller SpongeBob #4
[pressing a key on a keyboard connected to a computer] Come on, baby, what's the name?! [The computer bursts into flames. Panicked shouting is heard from other smaller SpongeBobs as they are running wildly around while papers are flying]
SSSmaller SpongeBob #5
WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!
[More smaller SpongeBobs begin to run around while more papers are flying. SpongeBob's brain then breaks in half. The scene cuts back to Squilliam and Squidward with SpongeBob stammering for a moment. Then he splashes water on Squilliam and then starts to bark and going wild]
Squidward
Oh, I am so very sorry! I don't know what has gotten into that-- [screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of hot soup by Fred]
More soup for your armpit?! [holds up Fred's arm and throws the soup on his armpits, causing him to scream in pain, runs over to Martha and grabs her head] Please enjoy the food!! [slams her face into her food then runs up to Nat] Would you like some cheese on your butt, sir?! [pulls out a cheese grater, picks him up and grates his butt with it as Nat screams]
[Every fish screams and panics]
Squidward
[frightened] No! No!
[Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen and shouting. And Mr. Krabs, still tied up, also runs of the kitchen and warns everyone that there's more danger for some things that he cooked so badly.]
Run for your lives, everyone! It's the appetizer!
[The appetizer, which has now come to life, bursts through the door and roars. Mr. Krabs is sent flying. The appetizer crawls outwards, revealing its face to the camera. Everyone screams and panics. They crash through the windows and the door, running away. Squidward's tuxedo rips in half by itself and falls off, and his Krusty Krab hat and name tag land on him in their proper places. The name tag reads "Squidward Tentacles, Cashier."]
Squidward
[puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth] Will you quiet up? Now listen, what did these robots in the movie look like?
Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal pinchers for hands, and they ran on batteries.
Squidward
Okay, so tell me, does Mr. Krabs look anything like that?!
[Mr. Krabs barges out of his office, still screaming. He now has burning red eyes, the pair of tongs snipping in his claw, and the batteries in his pocket, just like the robot in the movie and Squidward said. SpongeBob and Squidward both scream in fear. Mr. Krabs continues screaming as he runs into the bathroom]
Squidward
I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!
[runs over to the phone] Hello, Operator? Get me the Navy!
OOperator
Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
Squidward
NOT THE NAVY! [on the microphone] Attention, Krusty Krab! Run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world! [pause] OUR WORLD! [Then the customers run and scream in panic] What do we do now?
I don't know! [notices a nickel] Hey, a nickel! [points at it]
Squidward
SpongeBob.
[walks out of the bathroom, his eyes back to normal] Ah, that's better. [walks back to his office] Bee-boo-boo-boo-bee-bop, boo-boo-bop.
Squidward
We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs, but how?
Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
Squidward
They poop on the robot?
Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information.
Squidward
I never thought I'd say this, but, SpongeBob, let's get that poop!
[Squidward and SpongeBob dive in. SpongeBob grabs rope, Squidward grabs tools, and SpongeBob grabs records]
Oh, hello, boys. What can I do for ya? [they both lock the door] Hehe, why did you lock the door? Why do you have that rope? WHO'S WATCHING THE CASH REGISTER?! [gets attacked] SpongeBob, Squidward, what’s the meaning of this?! Unite me this instant!
[SpongeBob runs up to Mr. Krabs and then slaps him]
Squidward
SpongeBob, you gotta ask him a question first.
Oh, yeah. What color is my underwear? [slaps him again]
Squidward
SpongeBob, let me handle this. [turns a light on Mr. Krabs] Where's Mr. Krabs?
[confused] What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs.
Squidward
[slaps Mr. Krabs again] We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?
Squidward
Where's Mr. Krabs?
I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!
This is one stubborn robot.
[confused for a moment, he finally blows his lid, yelling so loudly he causes SpongeBob and a nearby lamp to fall from the force] WHAT?! YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!
Squidward
We don't think; we know.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I AM MR. KRABS!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
