Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Three cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip hip...

AAll

Hooray!

Squidward

Hooray.

Hip hip...

AAll

Hooray!

Squidward

Whoop-dee-doo.

Hip hip...

AAll

Hooray!

Squidward

Oh, boy.

And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place when I was gone: Squidward! [Squidward smiles] Hip hip...

AAll

Boo! [Squidward is shocked and frowns. His frown gets more groopier with each "boo"]

Hip hip...

AAll

Boo!

[Cut to an outside shot of the Krusty Krab]

Hip hip...

AAll

Boo!

Hip hip...

CCustomer

BOO! YOU STINK!

S1 Pickles

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Squidward! Hey, Squidward! Squidward! Squidward-ier! [Squidward peeks out his window] Squidward! Look at my new pet.

Squidward

That's no pet, that's a wild animal.

No, he isn't. Watch this. [throws a stick so the jellyfish returns it. SpongeBob is holding up 3 fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?

JJellyfish

[humming] 1, 2, 3.

Play dead.

[The jellyfish is buried underground with a tomb that says "R.I.P.". He pops up]

Squidward

I wouldn't let that thing into my house even if it was potty trained. [the jellyfish, still on the rope, is on a toilet reading a newspaper] I didn't need to see that.

Well, we're going to my house to have a little fun.

Squidward

How can you possibly have fun with a jellyfish?

S1 Jellyfish Jam

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Squidward

[about SpongeBob, who has decided to go live in the wild] He took off his pants...

Sandy

I'll give him a week.

Squidward

I'll give him 11 minutes.

[on the verge of tears] Patrick Sad!

S1 Nature Pants

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[Later, SpongeBob is walking home, back to Bikini Bottom, at night.]

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. [says "Buzz" fourteen more times as he walks up to the Krusty Krab door with a "Closed" sign and sees a plate full of Krabby Patties on a table] Krabby Patties. Buzz. Buzz. [walks past Sandy's treedome, then he sniffles] Sandy. [still saying "Buzz," walks up to his pineapple] What have I done? I had a great life and friends, and I gave all of that up.

[SpongeBob opens the door. The light turns on. Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Squidward, Patrick, and Gary are there to welcome him home.]

KPMr. Krabs, Patrick, and Sandy

Welcome home, SpongeBob! [Squidward blows a party blower]

You guys are the best! I made a huge mistake. Please forgive me!

Ah, quit your blubbering and have a Krabby Patty. [hands him a Krabby Patty]

Don't mind if I do. [eats it as Mr. Krabs places his Krusty Crew hat on his head]

And I'll see you at work first thing tomorrow morning.

[salutes] Aye, aye, captain!

Squidward

SpongeBob, do us all a favor. [hands SpongeBob his pants]

Don't mind if I do! [puts on his pants] Ta-dah. [hugs Squidward] Aww.

Squidward

Okay, that's enough. [everyone else hugs SpongeBob and Squidward]

Gary

Meow.

Squidward

Could we please stop this? [everyone except SpongeBob starts to feel something]

Patrick itchy! [everyone but SpongeBob starts to scratch themselves and crawl on the floor]

It is great to be home!

S1 Nature Pants

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Hi, Squidward. I mean, goodbye, Squidward! Aw, isn't Opposite Day...terrible? [laughs]

Squidward

[growling] I'll tell you what's terrible: living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!

Wow, that's the nicest thing Squidward's ever said to me.

S1 Opposite Day

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[Spongebob plays Squidward's clarinet for the realtor]

RRealtor

Okay. I really don't want to hear another one.

[talking like Squidward] Okay. [plays the clarinet again]

RRealtor

I really don't want to hear more, thank you.

I hear you loud and clear. [When SpongeBob play the clarinet the third time, Squidward opens the door]

Squidward

Stop! Get away from her! [to the realtor] Oh, I am so sorry, Ma'am. I hope these two [turns to SpongeBob and Patrick] barnacle heads [turns back to the realtor] haven't harmed you in any way.

RRealtor

Who are you?

Squidward

Why, I'm Squidward.

RRealtor

What kind of fool do you take me for? [points to Patrick] He's Squidward. [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward. [points to Squidward] You're Squidward? I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?!

Gary

[with a pickle on his face imitating Squidward] Meow.

RRealtor

I'm out of here.

Squidward

Ma'am, please! What about my house?

RRealtor

I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on Earth!

Squidward

Wait!

Don't...

Go!

Squidward

[screams, runs out of his house, and holds onto the realtor's leg and skirt. The realtor is dragging him, as she's about to leave] No, no, no, no, no! Please sell my house!

RRealtor

NEVER!!! [drives away]

Squidward

Don't leave me here! [starts crying]

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!

Squidward

[looks livid then calms down] Let me show you guys how much I HATE YOU.

[Squidward leaves; the ground rumbles and SpongeBob and Patrick scream and run off; reveals Squidward driving the bulldozer used to dismantle SpongeBob's house with; the two run away]

Patrick, do you ever feel that Squidward likes us too much?!

Squidward

HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY!!!!

[Squidward laughs evilly as he continues chasing them as they run away into the distance, ending the episode]

S1 Opposite Day

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Squidward

Uh, good evening and welcome to the first annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home. [a rimshot plays and Patrick bursts out laughing] Uh, thank you, heh. Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well. [another rimshot plays and Patrick laughs again]

It's happened! [laughing]

Squidward

Heh, thank you. Uh, put your fins together for... [Patrick cracks up laughing very hard. Bashes on the table with laughter, shaking dinnerware. He falls off his chair] Put your... [Patrick laughs] Put... [Patrick laughs] Pearl. [crowd applauds]

Hooray! [the curtain rises for Pearl, dressed in cheerleader uniform] My little girl is finally a star.

Pearl

Give me a K-R-U! [jumps up and down on the stage causing the crowd to fly up and down with her] Give me a S-T-Y! [jumps up and down again] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down]

[he, Patrick, and SpongeBob's parents get tossed up and down. Mr. Krabs appears happy] Now that's what I call talent! [Krusty Krab floor is destroyed]

Pearl

Thank you!

EEdward

My leg! Ugh!

Pearl

Thank you, [chuckles] thank you!

S1 Culture Shock

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Squidward

SpongeBob, I have a confession to make. [takes off towel from his head]

[gasps] You're bald?!

Squidward

No, I'm not bald! I'm alive! Now get rid of that tombstone and tell all your friends to go home!

But--

Squidward

Do it!

Go home. [everyone leaves] But I, Master--

Squidward

I'm not your master, I'm your neighbor! Now do me a favor and stop doing me favors!

As you wish, master.

Squidward

D'oh!

Boy, he really had us fooled.

No, Patrick. He's the fool. He's a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever!

You're right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond.

Patrick, say that again!

That again.

No, the other thing.

No, the other thing.

[annoyed] No, what you said before when you...

No, what you said before when you...

Never mind! I've got an idea.

Never mind! I've got an idea.

S1 Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost

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Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.

Squidward

Okay, I'll bite. What is it, SpongeBob?

Do you know what today is?

Squidward

Annoy Squidward Day?

[laughs] No, silly. [gets out a calendar] That's on the 15th. [points to a picture of Squidward's head on the calendar] Today is the beginning of the judging for Employee of the Month.

Squidward

SpongeBob, don't you know that award is a scam?

What do you mean?

Squidward

Mr. Krabs gives you that award, so you'll work harder for no extra money.

That is not true, Squidward. He gives it to me because I work harder. You could win it too if you tried harder.

Squidward

Oh, for what? To get my face on the Wall of Shame? [shows wall full of SpongeBob pictures for being Employee of the Month]

No! [begins to cry for losing an award and falls on his knees] How could I have let the quality of my work slip so much?

SSpongeeBob

An experienced employee of the month always keeps a [lifts up his Krusty Krab employee hat to reveal a silver brick of lead inside it] brick of lead in his hat.

I won't let Squidward win. [the next shot is from SpongeBob's point of view. He sees Squidward setting his alarm clock, yawning and walking off] He can't go to work if he doesn't wake up. Target sighted.

S1 Employee of the Month

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[SpongeBob and Squidward are trying to drag along some big items. SpongeBob is dragging an anchor and Squidward is dragging a flaming boat.]

Squidward

SpongeBob? Truce? [both wave a white flag]

Truce.

Squidward

SpongeBob, I can't take it anymore. If we keep this up, neither of us will win the award!

You're right. We should save our energy for work where we really need it. [it’s now dawn]

Squidward

Okay, let's have a good clean fight.

And may the better man win.

[They shake hands smiling]

[thinking] He's nothing but a lying, boneless, ink-squirting, big-nosed phony.

Squidward

[thinking] Look at that bucktooth, corn-fed smile, you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.

[thinking] As soon as he stops shaking my hand...

Squidward

[thinking] ...I'm gonna make a run for it.

[SpongeBob and Squidward stop shaking hands, laugh nervously, and hastily run for the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is opening it up.]

Money, money, gonna make some money! [sees SpongeBob and Squidward come running over] Ah, it warms me wallet to see me employees coming in so early. Boys, you're early. Huh? [realizes that they aren't stopping for anything] Wait! [both push Mr. Krabs out of the way and start doing nice stuff]

LOOK, MR. KRABS! CLEAN FLOORS!

Squidward

CLEAN TABLES, MR. KRABS! [presses too hard on the table while he is cleaning and breaks it in half]

CLEAN DISHES, MR. KRABS!

What's going on here? [SpongeBob drops and breaks the dishes and mops them just like that]

IT'S MUCH MORE EFFICIENT TO CLEAN DISHES THIS WAY, MR. KRABS!

No!

Squidward

FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATE FOR YOU, MR. KRABS!

LOOK, I'M PUTTING MY OWN MONEY IN THE REGISTER, MR. KRABS! [SpongeBob puts his money into the register. Squidward and SpongeBob are in the kitchen] 2 SPATULAS TO INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY, MR. KRABS! FASTER, SPONGEBOB, FASTER!

Squidward

THERE'S NOTHING TO THIS PATTY FLIPPING, MR. KRABS! I'LL EASILY DOUBLE YOUR OUTPUT, SPONGEHOG!

Boys, boys, boys! [music gradually speeds up; both SpongeBob and Squidward make many patties to overflow the kitchen, cornering Mr. Krabs] Help! Help! [the amount of Krabby Patties fills up the kitchen and the Krusty Krab itself, causing the whole restaurant to explode, sending thousands of patties raining down in front of the citizens]

Dave

Hey, free Krabby Patties!

[with his head bursting through one of SpongeBob's employee pictures] Wait, you've got to pay for those. Wait, wait, wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! [SpongeBob and Squidward come through the picture frame that Mr. Krabs is in and ask him who is the winner, while Mr. Krabs is still complaining about the Krabby Patties]

SO, WHO'S THE WINNER OF EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH?!

Squidward

ME, ME! IT'S ME! [SpongeBob and Squidward continue calling out simultaneously about who is the winner]

Boys! Wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! Boys, wait! [the three continue to argue as the episode fades to black]

S1 Employee of the Month

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French Narrator

Halloween is no different under the waves. Pirates, skeletons, and sea monsters. [laughs evilly] Ohh, sorry. Everyone having fun. Well, almost everyone.

[At the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is washing dishes in the kitchen. The door creaks open and SpongeBob jumps in surprise.]

Huh? Who's there?

[The door creeks open some more as SpongeBob goes back to washing some dishes. He turns around and sees 3 pieces of paper spelling out "boo" turn on the ordering turntable. SpongeBob speeds up the cleaning of the dishes until he finishes.]

Ok, Mr. Krabs, the dishes are done, I’m leaving! [tries running out but Mr. Krabs stops him in his tracks]

Hold on! Don’t you want to hear my annual scary story?

No thank you, Mr. Krabs. Uhh, does it have monsters in it?

Aye, the worst monster of them all.

Uhh... no. [opens the door then turns around] Is it a true story?

True as the deep blue.

Okay, maybe just a little.

Have a seat, me boy. [sits on a log. Mr. Krabs puts a campfire in the middle of them] Every year on Halloween night, the Flying Dutchman descends on Bikini Bottom, in a pirate ship, just like... this! [holds up a Krabby Patty] Only bigger!

Excuse me, did his ship look like a Krabby Patty?

Like I was saying, The Flying Dutchman swoops down and starts stealing people’s souls. [holds up a pickle]

Do souls look like pickles?

Aye, as a matter of fact, they do. And he puts them where you can never get them...in his soul bag.

[Drops the pickle into a bag that has the words "Krusty Krab" crossed out and the word "soul" written above it. Mr. Krabs laughs evilly while Squidward appears behind SpongeBob in a pirate suit.]

Squidward

I’ve come for your pickle.

[SpongeBob sees Squidward from behind him and jumps up shrieking.]

Ha! Scaredy Pants gets easier to scare every year! [he and Squidward both laugh]

S1 Scaredy Pants

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Squidward

[to SpongeBob] Would you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?

Squidward, could you watch Gary this weekend?

Squidward

What's a Gary?

Not a Gary. Gary. He's my pet snail. [shows Gary to Squidward] Say hello.

[Gary hisses at Squidward and drools]

Squidward

You actually care for that thing?

I love Gary.

Squidward

Well, I don't. Get somebody else. [walks off]

I guess we can't go away this weekend after all, Patrick.

Squidward

[stops walking] Go away? [walks in reverse back to SpongeBob's Pineapple] You mean, if I watch Gary, you guys will be gone all weekend?

S1 I Was a Teenage Gary

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Squidward

I hope I never see another snail again. Good night, Clary. [a knock is heard on the door and the doorbell rings] Who could that be? As if I didn't already know. [goes downstairs and answers the front door] SpongeBob, I already told you. You're gonna be just fiiiii-- Hiin...--- AAAUGH?!

[attempts to say "fine", but hesitates and shouts almost hysterically]

[now a snail] Meow.

Squidward

Aah!