Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating: The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty... with a Help Wanted sign in the window. For years I've been dreaming of this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look at him straight in the eye, lay it on the line and... I can't do this! [starts to run home and Patrick stops him] Patrick!

Where do you think you're going?

I was just-

No, you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab, and get that job!

I can't! Don't you see!? I'm not good enough!

Whose first words were "May I take your order?"

Mine were.

Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in woodshop?

I did.

Who's a, uh, who's uh, oh... Who's a big yellow cube with holes?

I AM!

Who's ready?

I'm ready!

Who's ready?

I'm ready!

Who's ready?!

I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

Squidward

[wiping graffiti off of the window of the restaurant as he notices SpongeBob running towards it] Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want?

I'm ready! I'm ready!

Squidward

[runs inside and screams] Mr. Krabs! Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you about-

Permission to come aboard, Captain! [in French accent] I've been training my whole life for the day I could join the Krusty Krew, [normal voice] and now I'm ready. So, uh, when do I start?

Well, boy, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs.

Mr. Krabs, please! I'll prove I'm fry cook material! Ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me.

Squidward

No.

Well, boy, we'll give ya a test, and if ya pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew. Go out and fetch me...a...uh, hydrodynamic spatula...with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, and, uh...turbo drive. And don't come back til ya get one.

Aye aye, captain! One hydrodynamic spatula, with port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up, sir!

Carry on! We'll never see that lubber again.

Squidward

You're terrible. A hydro-what?

[Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh]

S1 Help Wanted

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[gasps] That sounded like hatch doors! [sniffs repeatedly] Do ya smell it? That smell... A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells... smelly... Anchovies.

Squidward

What?

[shouts] ANCHOVIES!!!!!

S1 Help Wanted

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That was the finest fast-foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. SquarePants. Welcome aboard.

Squidward

B-but Mr. Krabs...

Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip!

Squidward

Hooray, Mr.-

Hip-hip!

Squidward

Hooray.

Hip-hip!

Squidward

Hooray. Mr. Krabs-

[walking to his office with a wheelbarrow full of cash] I'll be in my quarters, countin' up the booty.

Good morning, Krusty Krew!

Squidward

What would you like to order, Patrick?

One Krabby Patty, please.

Squidward

[dozens of patties shoot out of the order window as the view cuts to the outside of the restaurant] What? Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee!

S1 Help Wanted

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[As SpongeBob is constructing his bubblestand]

Squidward

Can we lower the volume please? I can't work with all that racket going on!

Oh, sure thing, Squidward!

Squidward

Yes. Mmm. Right. Mmm.

Okay...

[He slowly taps on a nail and looks at Squidward's house. For several seconds, SpongeBob continues to slowly hammer the nail every three seconds and glance back at Squidward's house on the pause]

Squidward

[to himself] Now for some soothing sounds from Squidward's clarinet. Thank you, thank you. [plays his clarinet. SpongeBob proceeds to continue building his Bubblestand super fast, making a loud racket] I thought I... Huh.

Hey, Squidward! Wanna blow some bubbles? Only 25 cents.

Squidward

Right, like I would spend a moment of my time blowing bubbles.

Uh-huh.

Squidward

Oh, please. I mean who in the world would pay to blow bubbles?

Good morning.

S1 Bubblestand

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Okay, Patrick. It's all in the technique. First go like this, spin around. Stop! Double take three times. One, two, three. Then, pelvic thrust! Whoooo! Whooooooo! Stop on your right foot, don't forget it! Now it's time to bring it around town. Bring it around town. Then you do this, then this, and that, and this, and that, and this, and that, and then... [blows bubbles shaped like ducks, a cube, a caterpillar, and a tugboat. When the tugboat bubble pops, it makes a foghorn noise] And now with two hands! [blows a bubble shaped like an elephant]

[Laughing] It's a giraffe. [continues laughing as the elephant bubble floats into Squidward's house]

[The bubble pops and tons of smaller bubbles come out of both windows of the house while the elephant trumpets. Squidward opens the door. SpongeBob and Patrick hide behind the bubblestand and SpongeBob places a closed sign on it]

Excuse me, sir, but we are closed.

Squidward

Don’t give me any of that! How can you two make noise just blowing bubbles?!

We're not just blowing bubbles, we're making bubble art!

S1 Bubblestand

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PPlankton

[through SpongeBob, to Squidward] Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet player.

Squidward

Mediocre?

[scene reveals to be Plankton using his microphone inside SpongeBob's brain]

PPlantkon

You pretentious, little insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan's waste.

S1 Plankton!

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Squidward

Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?

I can't, it's for the customer!

Squidward

Who cares about the customer?

I do!

Squidward

Well, I don't!

[gasps] Squidward!

S1 Pizza Delivery

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Squidward

Give it to me!

No! We promised it's for the customer!

Squidward

[calms down] You're right. It's for the customer.

Yeah!

Squidward

Maybe we better check on it, make sure it's okay.

Well?

Squidward

Just a peek. [opens the box]

[quickly shuts it] Okay, it's fine.

Squidward

No, I think I saw something. [opens the box] Oh. No. I was wrong. Looks okay. Sure is a fine-looking pizza.

Yeah...

Squidward

What's that? Is that the cheese?

Yeah...

Squidward

And the pepperoni?

Yeah...

Squidward

Ooh, looks good, huh?

Wait a second! I know what you're trying to do, Squidward! I'm not letting you eat the pizza!

Squidward

Give me that pizza!

No!

Squidward

Don't make me take it away from you, SpongeBob!

Get away!

Squidward

[starts chasing SpongeBob] Get back here, SpongeBob! Give me that pizza!

No!

Squidward

SpongeBob!

No!

Squidward

SpongeBob!

No!

[Squidward becomes too tired to chase SpongeBob]

S1 Pizza Delivery

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TTom (orange)

[after Tom insults SpongeBob by not taking the pizza and slamming the door in his face, Squidward angrily walks up to the house and knocks on the door] Another one?! Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!

Squidward

Well, this one's on the house! [slams the pizza box in Tom's face]

S1 Pizza Delivery

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Hooray, Gary! We're finally huge! [the house shrinks again again and the bed disappears, leaving SpongeBob on the floor]

Gary

Meow.

Huh? Wait a minute. [the scene cuts to outside where the nematodes are still drinking SpongeBob's house] Oh no! [runs into the living room. but squeezes through the door as he almost gets stuck. He gets freed as he gets launched into the wall. Gary gets stuck through the door as he slithers in. SpongeBob crashes into the wall, flipping the side table over] Ow. Shellphone! I know, I'll call Squidward. He'll know what to do.

Squidward

Hello?

Squidward!

Squidward

Is it time already for you to ruin my day?

Squidward, help me! [his shellphone starts to shrink] My house is shrinking! I woke this morning, I was getting smaller and [high pitched voice] smaller! The walls are closing in on me! Gary is terrified too! [the shellphone is hung up; normal voice] Oh no!

Squidward

Yep, it is.

Aah!

Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? Hey, SpongeBob. Don't start without me.

S1 Home Sweet Pineapple

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Squidward

Tum-ta-dum. Today's the big day, Squidward. Don't wanna be late. [flies into his closet, gets dressed, and goes outside] Gotta hurry! Hold it! Hold everything! [SpongeBob and Patrick stand outside, with bags] I would not want to miss this. The day SpongeBob moves. I can't believe it's really happening.

Don't worry, Squidward. I'll come visit you.

Squidward

Don't try to cheer me up, SpongeBob. Please.

Here come my parents.

[Patrick begins to cry and the car horn sounds as SpongeBob's parents drive up]

SMrs. SquarePants

SpongeBob. Hi, honey, we're here.

SMr. SquarePants

Come on, SpongeBob, hurry, hurry, son, your mother has dinner waiting.

Hi, Mom.

Squidward

Hello, Mrs. SquarePants! Let me help you with these bags. [picks up the bags and carries them to the car]

Just give me a minute. [he walks back to where his house used to be] I cannot hold onto you any longer, little pebble. [buries it into the ground in the middle of where his house used to be] You hold too many memories. [sheds a tear, which falls from his nose and into the ground where the seed absorbs it, it then starts to glow. Then he shakes Squidward's hand] Well, Squidward, this is goodbye.

Squidward

Goodbye, SpongeBob, goodbye. [dances and celebrates] Goodbye, SpongeBob. Bye-bye-bye. Goodbye, SpongeBob. Ha-ha. Goodbye, goodbye.

SMrs. SquarePants

Come on, SpongeBob.

Goodbye, Patrick. Goodbye, Bikini Bottom.

[Patrick holds onto the back of the boat, lifting the front into the air, as he cries]

Squidward

[still dancing and celebrating] SpongeBob is leaving. He's leaving, he's leaving! La, la, la, la, la, la, la ha ha ha ha! He's leaving, ha ha! SpongeBob is leaving, he's leaving!

[Suddenly, the ground starts shaking. Squidward stops dancing, while SpongeBob, his parents and Patrick stare. The pebble, revealed to be a seed, grows into a giant green stem out of the ground, SpongeBob's house grows from the plant and drops where his old house used to be and on Squidward. The stem then goes back into the ground]