[laughs] Ha, ha! Who's got the clam now? [points at butt] I do! [shakes butt] I got the greatest scallop! I got the greatest scallop!
SpongeBobWow, Squidward!
Oh, they're so pretty! Look!
[Squidward sees the giant clam spinning in place as the small ones circle around it. The giant clam jumps over the small ones as a jump rope. It moves up and down the smaller clams as a wavering string, playing a gentle harp melody.]
Hey! I bought you to scare those dumb clams, not dance with 'em! [Squidward picks up a rock and throws it. The giant clam is surrounded by the little clams in a heart shape. When the rock hits it, it growls. It screeches at the other clams, and they all rush towards Squidward.]
SpongeBob
Incoming! [he, Patrick, and Squidward jump out of the way]
[The giant clam smacks into the ground. Squidward screams and rolls away from it. The giant clam spits a pearl. Squidward presses against Patrick's house, but SpongeBob pulls him away. The pearl pierces Patrick's house.]
Boy, is that guy gonna get mad when he gets home!
[comes through kitchen window with bag] Don't worry, SpongeBob. I figured you might have a little trouble [opens suit hatch] getting back to your homestead, [tosses bag into suit, several supplies start floating around in it] so I brung along some supplies.
SpongeBob
Huh? Yeah!
And I couldn't forget [takes Gary from bag] this little feller.
[narrating time card] Several days later...
[SpongeBob's suit is now a murky green, and several items are floating around in it.]
[murmuring, slithering around suit, SpongeBob is whistling while cooking patties]
[holding four large trays of patties, grumbling, then loses balance] Whoa! [falls down, and one patty lands onto a customer's table]
CCustomer
Mmm. [is about to eat the patty, then has an allergic reaction, and scratches hives] Oh. [flailing arms, screaming] Whaa! [puffs up, falls over]
[As Squidward walks by with a patty, all of the customers start having allergic reactions.]
SpongeBob
Oh, no, the customers are allergic to patties, too! [turns suit arm into vacuum, then reaches it out from kitchen, Squidward yelps]
SpongeBob
[sucking up old lady] Quick, get inside the suit! [sucks up customer scratching back on table] You'll be safe in here.
[Several customers run around screaming as SpongeBob uses the arm vacuum to suck them all up. Customers are inside suit, groan, Suddenly, the customers' allergies go away. Customers chattering]
CCustomer
My rash is gone!
OOOther other customer
Totally cured.
[yelps, bangs on office door] Mr. Krabs!
[opens door, money all over him, unimpressed] Yes? [eye stalks get grabbed by Squidward into kitchen] Oh!
SpongeBob lost his marbles! He sucked all the customers into that crazy contraption!
SpongeBob
The patty allergy's spreading, Mr. Krabs. The customers are allergic too.
Calm down, lad! I'm sure you're just exaggerat-- [has allergic reaction] hmm? [screams, then gets sucked in vacuum]
SpongeBob
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I'll save you! [Squidward runs away]
[enters suit, allergy goes away] That's better.
Yes, every year that Ringmaster Mudkrab rolls into town and steals me customers. But this year he's parked his shabby tent show right on me property.
MMan
[drives by with girl] Hey, let's get a Krabby Patty.
WWoman
No, [points to circus] let's go to the circus instead. [they drive off, Mr. Krabs starts growling, on fire, slaps SpongeBob's watering can out of his hand]
Well, since there's no [points to the right] work, [begins to walk away] I'll be going.
To the circus. [sticks out tongue, takes ticket]
[stops walking] To the circus?
SpongeBob
To the circus!
To destroy it. [laughs evilly]
SpongeBob
To destroy it! [record scratches, confused] To destroy it?
No, no, [pats SpongeBob's head] boy-o, not destroy. I said "enjoy." We're going to enjoy the circus.
SpongeBob
Oh. [Patrick falls from the sky]
[grabs SpongeBob and Squidward] Yay! We're going to the circus!
And it'll be fun [face contorts] for all ages. [laughs wickedly]
SpongeBob
[shows plug] I even pulled out the plug, and I [shakes arms] can't shut it off!
[worried] I got to get my brain working on this! [Sandy smacks her head and warbles. Inside her head, a smaller Sandy is in an exercise wheel hooked up to Sandy's brain. She wakes up, runs in the wheel, then hears an alarm ringing. She looks at the alarm, thinks then snaps her fingers.]
BSBrain Sandy
Hmm? Hmm. Aha! [She flexes her finger, which shows its muscles. She turns off the alarm, looks at the camera, and smiles.]
[snaps out of trance] I see the problem! [to her head] Thanks, brain! [jams SpongeBob's finger into the switch, and it bounces off] Your spongy finger is just too darn soft and cute to press the switch.
SpongeBob
Huh? [finger droops] Aw.
Don't worry, darling. I'll fix it. [Sandy snaps a bone through SpongeBob's finger. SpongeBob goes to shut off his alarm, but smashes it into a hole in the ground.]
SpongeBob
[laughing] Thanks, Sandy.
SpongeBob
Excuse me, Mr. Sofa. [He lifts the sofa and vacuums underneath the sofa] Huh, look at that, Gary, it's the present for Santa last Christmas. Isn't that nice? [SpongeBob is shocked that the present was accidentally left behind the sofa for seven months] The present I left for Santa last Christmas!? He never got it. Oh, this is the worst disaster that has ever happened.
SpongeBob
My present for Santa's 212 days late! [SpongeBob begins to cry] Late. It's a tragedy. [SpongeBob uses the ribbon of the gift to blow his nose while Gary reacts to the blue snot.] My joyful carefree world is both dark and dreary and I can't go on! Nope, I'll go on... But I can't go on!
[SpongeBob cries]
SpongeBob
Huh?
[Whistles] Woohoo! Five stars!
SpongeBob
[Sniffing rose] Patrick, I wasn't acting, Santa never got his Christmas present.
Well, so why not just deliver it to him?
Congratulations, Plankton. But remember, this technique is to be used [points] strictly for self-defense.
Oh, of course, Sensei Sandy. [leans in] Uh, wink? [takes off gi] Buh-bye! [laughs]
[Sandy stares ahead with a blank expression.]
SpongeBob
Uh, Sandy? [zoom out to show Sandy standing on him] Could you give me a ride to the hospital?
Whoops! [steps off him] Oh, sure, SpongeBob. Heh-heh.
HHans
[opens the roof to the Krusty Krab and meeping is heard, and he has a box of pizza] Pizza delivery!
AFAnchovies and faux-chovies
Huh? [they move out of the way and the box drops in the middle of them]
AAnchovies
Pizza?! [runs away back to the bus and it drives away]
FCFaux-chovies
[smells the pizza] Mmmmm!
SpongeBob
Mmmm, that smells good! [turns back into himself] Boing!
[Everyone else turns back into themselves.]
[walks to SpongeBob] Phew! I thought we'd never snap out of that faux-chovy thing!
SpongeBob
Sorry, Mr. Krabs! I didn't realize how easy it is to get swept up into a meep mentality!
It's not your fault, boy-o. We're just lucky that pizza is the anchovies' natural enemy!
Yeah, whoever ordered that pie saved our lives! [he, Lady Upturn, Mrs. Puff, and Pearl open the box of pizza]
SpongeBob
And we shouldn't let it go to waste! [Patrick rubs his palms together] It's still hot!
Oh-ho-ho-ho! [runs to the box and picks up a slice, walks away, and it falls on him] What? No anchovies?
All that meeping made me hungry too! Mr. Squidward, we need some paper plates out here!
SpongeBob
Squidward? Uh, are you here?
Now just where is that lazy bum while all this is going on?
[injures herself] I need an ambulance! [SpongeBob laughs uncontrollably] How dare you laugh at my misfortune! Mr. Krabs, fire this cretin at once!
You heard her! Come back when you're not a gigglin' idiot!
SpongeBob
[laughs] Don't come back?! B-B-But Mr. Krabs, I'm not laughing on p-p-purpose! [laughs]
[gasps] He's laughing at you, Fifi! [faints]
FFifi
[whimpers, growls, and attacks SpongeBob for laughing at her]
SpongeBob
[laughing] I'm sorry, Fifi! I'm a monster! [runs away laughing, causing everyone to become annoyed by his obnoxious laughter] I gotta hide. That way my laughter won't hurt anyone else.
SpongeBob
Holy herring, I'm squatting on a corpse!
SSparklenose
[suddenly comes to life] Would you get off my chest? [takes his nose and puts it back on]
SpongeBob
[laughs] Huh? You're alive? [laughing]
SSparklenose
Of course I'm alive! This is a living funeral, and you're ruining it!
SpongeBob
S-S-S-Sorry. I'm not laughing at you, Sparklenose. [stands up] Oh, I'll just get off of your chest. [prepares to leave but falls over] Whoa! [breaks stand that holds the wreath, causing it to fall on Sparklenose]
SSparklenose
[sniffs] I'm allergic to wreath pollen! Ahh...ahh...ahh...
CClown
Cheese it! He's gonna blow!
SSparklenose
ACHOOOO!!!! [his disco ball explodes and everyone is covered in sparkles]
SpongeBob
[snickers] Sorry. [laughs]
SSparklenose
You turned my clown funeral into a joke! [he and the other clowns honk their horns at SpongeBob as payback]
SpongeBob
[laughing] Forgive me, Sparklenose! [runs away while laughing]
EWEvil Witch
[reading the directions on Mr. Krabs' cookbook] A cup of milk? Two eggs? A loaf of bread? And kelp sugar? Eh, all right. [puts the ingredients in a cauldron] Shoo. [a plate of French toast floats up] French toast? [taps her wand in the green substance and hash browns, quiche, and huevos rancheros float up] Hash browns? Quiche? Huevos rancheros? What the heck? What's wrong with this blasted spellbook? [grabs the cookbook and reads the name] "Uncle Jimmy's Breakfast Magic"? It's a cookbook! Oh... I better find out who got my spell book, and fast. [the plate of quiche bumps into her arm] Huh? Right [the wand transforms into a fork] after I finish my quiche.
[Bubble transition back to inside the Krusty Krab, where the customers are still in the breakfast transformations with SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs in worry.]
SpongeBob
Maybe all the weird stuff I've been cooking caused all of this. [Squidward looks at him unamused, and SpongeBob chuckles nervously] Would explain the [the Necronomicon book flies out the order window] cauldron too. [points to the Necronomicon flying] And the flying cookbook.
[The cookbook flies to the front of the restaurant and emits a green light, which grabs various breakfast items to create a body.]
SpongeBob
[as the cookbook forms the items into a body]'" The cookbook is using tasty breakfast treats to create a monster!
[The cookbook roars and everyone in the restaurant screams. The Evil Witch appears with a purple cloud emit.]
EWEvil Witch
Oh, so this is where my spell book went.
[The breakfast monster kicks barrels and a table away, breaks off another table and throws it at SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs - which they duck.]
Ooh, a customer! Take her order, Squidward.
EWEvil Witch
Uh, thanks, but I couldn't eat another bite! [belches] I'm here to swap books with ya. I think my spell book got mixed with your cookbook.
SpongeBob
[points up] That cloud looks like an elephant fish.
[points] That one looks like an iron maiden.
SpongeBob
[points] That one looks like a baby jellyfish.
Ooh, [points] that one looks like a depth charge. Thank you, SpongeBob, for a truly wonderful day. [gets up] I had a lot of brothers and sister growing up, but never one who was actually nice to me.
SpongeBob
Little brother, I'm ready.
SpongeBob
[stands up holding the brotherly love meter] We're real brothers now. [tosses away meter] I'm ready to share my deepest, most secretest [Plankton's pupil turns into the secret formula] secret. [Plankton forms an evil expression] I swore I'd never tell it to anyone. Oh, but I'm nervous. Could you go first?
Of course. Anything for my brother. Eh. [pacing] I put on a gruff exterior because I don't want the world to hurt me. But deep down, I'm afraid I'll push everyone away and end up alone. [looks up at SpongeBob, whose sad face is shown in a close-up]
SpongeBob
Well, thanks very much for sharing that, little brother. Now it's my turn. [inhales deeply] No one is supposed to know this, but--but--
Yes? [holds out pen and notepad] Yes?
SpongeBob
My tie, it's-- [holds out his tie, which is revealed to be a clip-on] a clip-on!
[points with pen] I knew it! Wait, what?
SpongeBob
I never learned how to tie a tie! Look at it! Look at it! [holds tie in front of Plankton and rubs it onto him] Look your eyes upon my accursed shame! [breathes heavily, wipes sweat] Whew, sure felt good to get that off my chest.
That's it? That's your secret? [grabs eye] Are you kidding me?
SpongeBob
Yep, that was it. Wait, are you upset?
You're darn right I am! You were supposed to tell me the secret formula! Nobody cares about your tie!
SpongeBob
The secret formula? That's what you wanted to hear? Oh, I can't share that. [pokes head] It's locked in my brain box.
[Zoom into SpongeBob's brain box, where a police guard Mr. Krabs is snoring while lounging in front of a safe. Beeping is heard.]
Well, then, [holds up chainsaw] I'll use this key to unlock it! [laughs evilly, SpongeBob shrieks, Plankton laughs evilly even more, then is taken away by Harold, swinging around while being held]
Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.
[holding the basket] It looks like you two just weren't made to be brothers. [shakes head] Such a shame.
[Harold places white clothing onto him] Hey, what are you doing?
Well, the only thing responsible parents can do--making our child someone else's problem. [places Plankton in the basket, then he and Margaret take off]
SpongeBob
[waving] Bye, Plankton. I really liked having you as a brother.
Yeah, well, I hated every minute-- [Harold puts a pacifier in his mouth, which he sucks on, Margaret places Plankton in the basket in front of the Star family house, rings the doorbell, then he and Margaret quickly leave]
BBunny
[answers the front door with Cecil] Why, look, Cecil! It's a baby boy.
CCecil
Fantastic! I've always wanted our son to have a brother. Oh, Patrick!
[opens the top window and jumps out of it, taking Plankton with him] All right! Let's play checkers! [spits out a checkerboard and hits Plankton against the board repeatedly] Checkers! Checkers! Checkers!
Ouch! Ow! [Patrick giggles, injured] Oh, brother.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
