Stan Marsh quotes from South Park

Cartman

[to Kyle] YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Kyle

What?

Cartman

Everyone's gonna be charitable, and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! YOU FUCKING JEWS RUIN CHRISTMAS AGAIN! [screams and charges Kyle. Stan and Kenny rush forward and pull him back]

Stan

Whoa, whoa, Cartman!

Cartman

It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh!?

Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!

Cartman

Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in that thing.

Kenny

Me neither.

Kyle

Why not?!

Kenny

'Cause, dude, I'll fucking die!

Kyle

You're not gonna die, Kenny, don't be stupid!

Cartman

You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.

Stan

No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?

Cartman

Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!

Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.

Kyle

French Canada?

[singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!

Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!

We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!

Would you like a mustache?

Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.

Stan

Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.

Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle

We don't have time for this.

You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle

[grudgingly playing along] Hello.

Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!

How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!

Kyle

Okay, you can come with us.

Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!

[singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada--

--is a bull shoot Canada!

[singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!

I think you'd understand. You understand.

Kyle

Can we just get going please?

Yeah sure, there's just one problem.

Stan

What?

You folks are going the wrong way.

Stan

What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!

Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.

Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!

Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

Stan

What is that?

Cartman

It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas day and...I'm in Canada.

Kyle

Well yeah, but I-I got my brother back!

Cartman

Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]

Kyle

Dude, come on.

Cartman

Well, now you're going to get it, motherfucker! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!

Cartman

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Hey, come on boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!

Kyle

We were taking him to the vet until you fracked it all up! Butters!

Was he bleeding?

Cartman

[uninterested] Yeah, a little. Butters!

Oh, shit. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!

Stan

No, dude! You got to help us find him!

To hell with that!

Cartman

We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're going to tell on you; that's the ninja code!

Kyle

Okay, hang on, guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.

Cartman

Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but even better. Let me try.

Kyle

What? Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!

Stan

Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with. I mean, no one does that.

Cartman

I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.

Kyle

No, dude! From now on you only get to have one power. So... what is it?

Cartman

I have the power to have all the powers I want.

Kyle

It doesn't work that way!

Stan

Agreed. Now you don't get to have any powers, unless you follow the rules.

Cartman

Alright, dickhole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!

Kyle

Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!

Cartman

Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!

Kyle

[is turned into a chicken] OH, COME ON!

Cartman

[sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh.

Butters

Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped.

Stan

Oh, yeah? Kenny, use your ninja star!

Kenny

[muffled] Yeah! Try this, Professor Chaos! (gets out a shuriken) Feel my wrath! [throws shuriken at Butters, hitting him in the eyeball...]

Butters

[Wailing cry]

Cartman

Oh, shit, dude!

Stan

Butters! Oh, my God!

Stan

Oh, dude, it's stuck in his eye!

Kyle

What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!

Kenny

[muffled] I just threw my ninja star at him.

Butters

IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!

Stan

Thats really, really, terrible dude!

Cartman

Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!

Stan

We want our money back.

Huh?

Stan

That movie sucked ass. We want our money back.

I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.

Stan

That wasn't a movie! It was a snuff film! You should not charge people to watch a guy getting tortured for two hours!

That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all of that to pay for your sins!

Stan

We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained so we want our money back!

I'm not allowed to give your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaints up with the film's producer's.

Stan

What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we should get our money back from Mel Gibson?

Yeah, I'd like to see you try.

Stan

Oh, we will! This is America. And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!

Stan

[searching the Internet] OK, search "Mel Gibson". Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson homepage! Here we go: "Welcome to 'Mel Gibson's The Passion. com! Your source for everything Mel". Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects...darn it! No phone number! Oh wait! "For more information call our webmaster at 1800-4308" [Stan calls the number. It's Cartman's phone, which he answers]

Cartman

Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan club.

Stan

Hi, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.

Cartman

Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...

Stan

No, no, no, we want our money back.

Cartman

What?

Stan

We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?

Cartman

You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.

Stan

Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back.

Cartman

If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.

Stan

[furious] Hey don't take that tone with me kid, I'll kick your ass!

Cartman

Yeah, I'd like to see you try asshole, I'm like six feet tall!

Stan

I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!

Cartman

Bitch? Don't call me bitch, I'll pop your ducking head open!

Stan

Yeah, you want to bring it, you little pussy?

Cartman

I already brought it bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!

Stan

[realizing] Wait a minute. Cartman? [Cartman hangs up]

Yes?

Stan

Oh, hi. My name is Stan and this is Kenny. Um, we saw your movie The Passion and we didn't like it, so can we have our money back, please?

You can't not like The Passion. I just followed the Bible. Christ died for you. Go home.

Stan

Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.

Oh yeah? Well you're going to have to find it first! But I won't tell you where I keep my money. You can torture me all you want but I still won't tell you.

Stan

Torture you?

Ha, so you DO intend to torture me, huh?!! Well go ahead! Do you worst. You still won't get your taken money back.

Stan

Well, with these bus tickets, it looks like we spent about $87 getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the principle that matters.

Kenny

Yeah, I agree.

Stan

Oh, you've got to be shitting me...

Give me back my money!

I'm not doing it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.

Yeah, I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.

I'm not doing it either. I'm the biggest non-conformist of all.

I'm such a non-conformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it.

Stan

Great!

Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.

Yeah, we just got goth served.