HHuntington
Got you! I've got you!
You don't have him, Huntington.
HHuntington
I just need a better grip, sir!
Are you trying to screw me out of becoming cadet lieutenant next year, maggot?
Well, it sure as shit looks like it. Drop that cadet, pissant. Jesus. Not literally.
HHuntington
Sorry, sir. Sorry, Raul.
I have my year-end review with the general this afternoon. Do you know what that might be about, puke-head?
HHuntington
No, sir. Y-yes, sir. Uh, me, sir?
I've had the entire school year to get you plebes into fighting shape, and yet one big, fat turd who can't keep up.
HHuntington
I'll do better, sir!
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and you are my weakest link! Get out of my face! Cadets... and Dave... dismissed! Corporal Gallagher is on the move!
[Ian and Fiona are talking via visitation phones at the prison]
I'm close to getting the bail money. The court just did an appraisal on my building.
I- I need a few more days. There's oppression everywhere in here.
W- what are you talking about? I'm busting my ass to get you out of this shit hole.
My work here is not done. I-I'm saving the submissives from their sexual oppressors.
And I'm getting you a $50,000 gift of freedom.
Look, I organized a strike against the gangbangers who terrorize the gay and trans inmates. They take out their feelings of... inadequacy and repressed homosexuality on us queers, and they practice really bad sexual hygiene.
A- are they giving you your meds in there?
I-I'm protecting defenseless lambs from having their emotional and physical spirits slaughtered, Fiona.
[Joselito and his gang walks up to Ian sitting with his posse at a table]
JJoselito
Last night, I fucked my sink. My balls are so blue.
IInmates
Yeah, that's right.
Then shall we talk, try to agree on the proper ways to manage our relationships with those we love and care for?
JJoselito
Sure. Whatever the fuck you say, as long as I get my ass eaten out.
All right. Let's break bread and drink wine together.
Oh, thank God. I would never hear the end of it from Cami.
Yeah, well, our parents, Pami and Sami, weren't very creative. I'm fucking with you. They're Bob and Kim. Are you the best man?
What's up with your hair? Are you, like, in the Marines or some shit?
I was freebasing. My head caught on fire. I'm fucking with you. No, I, uh, fell asleep with gum in my mouth.
That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
Oh, says the lady with the bouffant and the princess headband.
Well, you can't get that time back, can you?
I always fantasized about having enough money to stock up on toilet paper.
Hey, when I was a kid, we had to use whatever we could find. Christmas napkins, paperbacks, coffee filters.
No. Got boxes to unpack. I've got a bathroom to clean. I clean it every week.
It's not that dirty, is it? Ever look behind the toilet?
No, and I never plan on doing so.
[before flashback scenes] Ah, for shit's sake, you again? Really, you forgot what happened on last week's episode? It was seven days ago. Drop the drink and get yourself to a fucking meeting,
Good morning, my day-drinking brethren. How's everyone this morning?
You smell like actual shit, Frank.
Uh, rye whiskey, V. Leave the bottle.
Can't pay with cans, Frank.
Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
And that's our recycling. I just put those out.
Right, and now I'm recycling them.
Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake?
[Cackles derisively] Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
We fucking hate you, Frank.
V. Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray?
Wow, lowering the bar, Frank. Disgusting, Frank.
Every day. When options are few, the wise man adapts.
Fine. One pity beer. One. [Draws him a pint]
HHughie
You tight on cash, huh, Frank?
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
HHughie
I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
HHughie
This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard. You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
For stolen signs? What's the catch?
HHughie
Just get paid to steal.
What's with the uniform, G.I. Joe? I thought you were off for the summer.
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be "at rest"?
At ease. And there is no ease for a soldier who's West Point bound. Debs, can you pass me the milk? Debs.
[Reading newspaper] Eighty cents. That's how much women make on the dollar compared to men. And if you're a woman of color, 65 cents. This is a sexist shit nugget of a country. Don't you forget that.
Oh, Debs! Thank God you're not working. Hey, I need a favor. I gotta take V to this nursery school tour. Can you watch the girls for like an hour? They can't come. Thanks.
Why are you speaking to me?
No. Why are you speaking to the only woman in the room, Kevin Ball? Why is childcare a woman's job? Let me tell you why. Did you know that the average American man works about 17.5 hours a week doing unpaid home labor? Cooking, cleaning. While women, however, spend about 28.4 hours a week. Now, considering the fact that the average American makes $26.82 an hour, that's $40,000 a year that women are not getting paid to cook, clean, and wipe baby asses.
[Scoffs] Come on, Franny, let's oppose patriarchal oppression.
Are you familiar with the saying; "sins of the father?
Think I've heard it at home.
Your father made a lot of Hopkins parents very... unhappy, and where there's unhappiness, there's often anger and retribution. The Committee for Diversity and Advancement who fund your scholarship, they have made some demands and, well, we've loved having you here, son.
Why are you speaking in past tense?
We see this as an opportunity for you. With the step up that we have given you, you can soar now, little bird.
USUbberman secretary
Are you lost, honey?
Cadet Lieutenant Carl Gallagher. I'm here to see Congressman Ubberman, ma'am.
USUbberman secretary
Why?
I seek the honor of his recommendation for West Point.
USUbberman secretary
Are you a constituent?
USUbberman secretary
You live around here? [Carl nods] Okay, sweetheart, I'll tell you how this works. First, you set up an appointment, and the first avail we have is in nine weeks. And you come back with your transcripts and your vitae--
USUbberman secretary
Your athletic and your academic achievements. You know, publications, awards, and your exceptional record of your volunteer work in this community.
Volunteer work? You have to work for free to get into West Point? Thought you just had to wanna kill some towel heads. The 100 hours of community service I did after juvie count? Court-ordered?
USUbberman secretary
No. Here is a list of our accredited volunteer organizations. Maybe start there.
When we speak of marriage, what do we speak of? Well, you could turn to the Bible, see what they have to say. We could try Ephesians 5:25. "For a man shall love his wife the way Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." But that's not very applicable to us, is it? Well, when I see these beautiful couples standing before me today, living under the terms of our newly-negotiated deal, one of mutual consent and reduced aggression, I see a true union, a union that defies categorization. So, Bob and Hobart, Sameer and EJ, Gary and Turkish, do you come to this courtyard today purely to exchange vows?
Let's start with you, Bob and Hobart.
PGPrison guard
Gallagher. You made bail.
PGPrison guard
You're out of here.
No, there's been a mistake, all right? I'm in the middle of vows. My work here is not done. I am not leaving. [Ian stars getting manhandled away by guards]
PGPrison guard
Move it, come on, come on.
IInmates
[Get in a shoving matches with the guards] Don't touch Father Gallagher! We protect him. Let him finish!
HHobart
So wait, are they married or not?! Say they're married, Gallagher!
By the power vested in me and the great state of Illinois...! [Gate slams]
GGayle
Mandarin Immersion today. So what do you think?
This is where I wanna go when I die.
GGayle
Here is our applications packet with beaucoup info about Beaucoup.
What's this, uh, number here? Is that a year in the future?
GGayle
No, that's our tuition.
Uh, that's three times our mortgage.
GGayle
Oh, dear. Yes, these numbers can seem a little bit high, but it's pretty standard in Chicago.
GGayle
Not at Beaucoup. Why don't I recommend you somewhere that's a little more budget-friendly. Okay?
[Lip and Brad are at an AA meeting]
Wanna hit Patsy's for pie before work?
It's kind of early for pie, no?
It's never too early. Besides, they have breakfast pie. It's called "apple." [Scoffs]
Hey, uh, thanks for your share, man.
JJason
Was it okay? I- I mean, it's weird telling everybody your shit.
Yeah, no, you did good. Just, uh, keep coming back.
JJason
Hey, actually, can I ask you something?
Uh, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
JJason
I don't know how this is supposed to go. I- Feels like I'm asking you out on a date or something. I need a sponsor. Wondering if you-- you'd be up to sponsoring me.
Me? No, man, I'm- I'm the last guy you'd want to sponsor you. But, uh, you know, maybe ask Marshall.
JJason
The guy with the walker?
JJason
[Snickers] I need somebody born after 1990. I mean, these people are all fucking dinosaurs. [To Brad] No offense.
JJason
[To Lip] I feel like I could talk to you.
Yeah, let me think about it, all right?
CCharmaine
So Congressman Ubberman's office sent you over? Where's that form? Oh. [Chuckles] Couple of routine questions. Why do you wanna be a mentor?
CCharmaine
Then, why are you here?
I have to volunteer somewhere.
CCharmaine
What academic subjects could you tutor your mentee in?
CCharmaine
Special skills?
Steady hand with a knife, ma'am. Like to cut things and watch 'em bleed.
CCharmaine
I think I might know a place for you, and... [Chuckles] I guarantee you they are in desperate need of volunteers. Here. [Hands business card]
Soothing Horizon? Sounds like a nail salon.
My name is Debbie Gallagher and I am a welder with a vagina, and I am here to stand up to patriarchy! I am looking for any and all female employees...!
CMConstruction man
Show us your pussy!
To stand up with me, and say no! We need to stick together, ladies.
CMConstruction man
Sup, double Ds?
We will not be silent! Ow, you fucking dickhead. You almost hit my kid. 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, yo, lady, you gotta go.
CMConstruction man
You distracting my men.
They're a bunch of pig fucks.
CMConstruction man
We see boobs!
I am not leaving until I get to speak to one of your female employees.
CMConstruction man
There aren't any!
You don't have one female employee?!
CMConstruction man
No! So get your smelly cunt out of here!
Yeah, heard you guys might be in need of some volunteers.
RRalph
You wanna volunteer? Here?
Yes, sir. I'm in need of some documented community service. Trying to get into West Point.
RRalph
Well, great. Military boy, huh?
RRalph
Perfect. How much can you bench, son? 'Cause these sons of bitches can get heavy.
Uh, what is it exactly you guys are doing here?
RRalph
Well, come on back, I'll show you. [Shows Carl a hose leading from the exhaust pipe of an idling vehicle to a window with two dogs in a room] Got a, uh, 15-year-old Rottweiler in there and a pair of 16-year-old Mastiffs. Should be done in a second.
RRalph
Yeah. Only takes three or four minutes, if you get the, uh, hose on the tailpipe right.
RRalph
Yeah. That's the service we offer the community, son. Euthanasia for elderly, and, uh, terminally ill dogs. I'm a retired vet. Had my own practice for, uh, 38 years. And I got sick of seeing these poor people around here shooting their own dogs in the street when they got old, toss 'em in dumpsters and drop 'em off the bridge with a--with a cinderblock tied to their paw. And all because they couldn't afford the $150 to put 'em down at the vet's. Well, now they can call Soothing Horizon. We pick 'em up, bring 'em here, and let 'em go peaceful.
RRalph
Yep. Uh... Banjo and Lucky are dead. [Dog whimpers and thumps] Skippy too. Come on, grab a leg.
