Shameless quotes

Kevin

Wow. This fucking place, huh?

Svetlana

I found it on Belarusian whore website. More billionaires stay here than any other hotel in Chicago.

Kevin

What are you doing?

Svetlana

Comparing my skills to those of Freelania. These are my skills on this napkin, and these are hers.

Veronica

There's nothing on that napkin.

Svetlana

Hmm, precisely. She is sub-mental. Not as attractive, not as charming. Look at my ass. It's perfect. I would fuck my own ass. She has flat ass of Filipino boy.

Veronica

$28 for a vodka tonic?

Kevin

$18 for a beer. You'd have to be a billionaire to catch a buzz.

Kassidi

I can't believe that you lived down here. It's like freakin' Mad Max.

Carl

Yeah, I remember this one time, a guy tried to steal Ian's coat. We beat him with a can of tuna wrapped in a tube sock.

Kassidi

That's so hot.

Carl

Think it's over here.

Kassidi

Oh, my God, you lived there?

Carl

Yeah.

Kassidi

I have to see it. [Runs into a modified cargo crate and she trips over a man's body]

Carl

Hey! You okay?! Oh, hey, man. Sorry, didn't realize someone was sleeping here. Hello?

Kassidi

Is he dead? Is that a dead body?

Carl

Hey, come on, let's just get out of here.

Kassidi

I've gotta Snapchat this.

Carl

Uh, it's just a dead guy. Let's go.

Kassidi

Roll him over. [Carl complies]

Carl

What?

Kassidi

So I can see the face of death.

Carl

Oh, Kassidi, come on.

Kassidi

Carl, roll him over. [Lies down and takes a selfie with the cadaver] I'm gonna story the shit out of this.

Frank

Hi. I'm retiring. I'd like to start receiving my Social Security benefits.

Hmm. I'm sorry, Mr. Wessels. It says here you're already collecting your benefit.

Frank

What? How can that be? Are you suggesting someone has stolen my identity, committing fraud?

It's a possibility, yes.

Frank

Oh, my God.

Frank

I'm number nine. Sorry. I was in the bathroom. Prostate, you know. Size of a basketball. Hi. I'd like to start my benefits.

Um... Mr. Ramirez? It says here you're dead.

Frank

Uh, I'm-I'm number nine.

Hi.

Frank

Can you... tell me what my benefits would be if I were to retire right now?

Of course. Um, Mr. Gallagher, it says here you only worked six weeks your entire life.

Frank

Well... if you mean a "formal job", yes, but I... I've had various enterprises that contributed significantly to the economy.

Mm-hmm. Well, as it stands, this will be your monthly benefit.

Frank

Three dollars and 42 cents? Gee. That's not a lot, is it?

Sorry.

Frank

A guy works his whole life.

How's the pain?

Debbie

It's starting to hurt a little.

The trauma doc was inclined to amputate, which may have been warranted. All three toes are severely damaged, crushed, for lack of a better word. There's not enough blood circulating to ensure they won't go necrotic.

Debbie

W-what does that mean?

Die. And if your toes die, then you're talking gangrene, and next thing you know, you lose your leg.

Debbie

But you can fix 'em, right?

Surgery's only part of the process. You'll be off your feet for months, and then at least year of physical therapy.

Debbie

A year? I-I can't... Well, what would the surgery cost?

It'll run you at least $50,000.

Debbie

Holy shit. For three toes? W-what happens if I can't afford the surgery? I just die?

No. We remove the toes, and then you're back on your feet in a couple of days. Costs $6,000, $7,000. You'll be a little wobbly at first. Need a special shoe. Let me know what you decide.

Carl

Well, why is it so important for you to know what it's like to live on the street?

Kassidi

'Cause you grew up free. I grew up trapped in an 8,000-square-foot suburban prison. Cable fucking TV, cheerleading camp, cross country, and Mom always ragging on me to study. And for what? So I could end up like them? I mean, they're miserable. Please.

Carl

Well, this is it. This is where my first shop was.

Kassidi

Selling crack? That is so cool.

Yo, you gotta buy or walk. This is my corner.

Carl

I used to work this corner. Where's G-Dog?

That's his brains right there... [Points to blood puddle stain on road] that dark spot. [Speeding vehicle heads towards them] Damn!

Shooter! Down! Get down! [Carl and Kassidi hide behind parked vehicle while the gunman from vehicle opens fire and drive away]

Kassidi

Oh, my God! They shot at us! This is epic!

Margo

So you let them stay in your apartment?

Fiona

Well, yeah.

Margo

You shouldn't have done that.

Fiona

Why?

Margo

Because that's an admission of responsibility.

Fiona

But I- I didn't do anything wrong.

Margo

Your contractor had no insurance. You only have a half a million in liability.

Fiona

S- so what's the worst case?

Margo

You lose in court and your insurance pays out 500,000. That leaves you owing 5.5 million. Other assets? Well, you sell your building. You got about 50 grand in equity there. And, uh... and your family home is worth, um, I don't know, maybe 62? So that leaves you only owing this Rodney asshole $5,388,000... forever. The jury's gonna take one look at that man and his starving family and the slumlord bitch that ruined their lives by hiring an unlicensed contractor, and you're gonna be lucky if they don't put you in jail.

Freelania

He spoils me, but I deserve it. He likes his little penis rubbed, and honestly, all he really cares about are my feet. He can't stop buying me shoes. Such a simple man. Oh. Vera made this for me. Mazel tov. I must admit, the greater part of the joy I feel is knowing how devastated you must be.

Svetlana

Humiliated.

Freelania

I had imagined you humbled like this so many times. I was worried it would be anticlimactic. It's not.

Svetlana

Freelania... you have everything we have ever dreamed of. After all the tubs of hand lotion and stained sheets, thousands of Handi Wipes,

Svetlana

I am truly humbled by your success, so I ask you to pity me and tell me how. How did you make this all happen?

Freelania

You mean how did these shoes happen?

Svetlana

Yes.

Freelania

How did this Gaultier gown, which I have never worn, happen?

Svetlana

Uh-huh.

Freelania

[Hocks a loogie on the gown] I would give it to you now that it's soiled, but... you're too fat to fit into it, so I will throw it away instead. Svetlana Yevgenivna, you were born a whore. You will die a whore. [Brings out phone] Mm. My caterer. Excuse me. Alain... Bonjour, mon amour.

Svetlana

Ublyudok.

[Appears in room] Hello, hello. Hello, sweetie. Don't you look lovely... today? I'm headed for the club. Don't forget dinner at The Grill. [Kisses her hand] I wanna show off my beautiful bride-to-be. [Walks away] Hmm. Toodle-oo. I'm going up the chimney.

Svetlana

[Her face lights up in epiphany]

Frank

I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude.

Kermit

How's that any different than how you live right now, Frank?

Frank

It's as if we think the elderly are irrelevant, disposable. My own children have said they won't care for me in old age. What does tell you about the decline of Western civilization?

Tommy

That you didn't raise any fools.

Frank

I believe that Alzheimer's is an evolutionary advantage that we've developed so we won't have to be aware of the depth of misery we face in our dotage. And yet... here I am... as loose as the day I was born.

Tommy

Retirement is for rich people. My old man was at GM for 40 years. Six months short of retirement, the pension fund went tits up. Forty years and dick to show for it. But he got lucky.

Frank

How's that?

Tommy

Well, he died on the line. Keeled over into the stamping machine. Got pressed into a rear fender for a Buick Skylark. Never even stopped the line.

Frank

How's that lucky?

Tommy

Well, he didn't have to worry about retiring.

Ian

You can't be living on the street. It's dangerous.

I can't go home. When I came out, they lost it.

Ian

He says that they're okay with you being gay.

That's bullshit. They put me into therapy, three days a week. Started going to a church where this asshole was always talking about sodomy and God's will. They wanna lock me up with other kids whose parents don't wanna deal with who their kids really are.

Ian

He says your therapist thinks you may be mentally ill.

They put me on these drugs, knocked me on my ass. I couldn't even get out of bed. I couldn't get an erection. That's what they really want, so that I can't have sex with another boy, you know? Ever.

Ian

Well... you can't stay here. We have to find someplace where you can be safe, where you can be yourself.

So you'll help me?

[Fiona has snatched the dog after Ford cut a hole in the hole] Mom, that lady's stealing Sparkles!

Frank

[After cutting off the necrotic toes of a fainted Debbie on the kitchen table with a garden trimmer and cauterizing her toe stubs] Smells like steak.

Frank

I met your friend Dylan's dad.

Liam

You tell him I can go on the yacht vacation with them tomorrow?

Frank

I looked the man up. He makes nothing. He creates nothing. He buys businesses, tears them apart, sells the pieces, and then discards the employees like trash. He's a legal thief.

Kassidi

[Serves him waffles] Here you are, Liam.

Frank

Thank you so much. He wants the companies to fail. The world's not just, Liam. No one's gonna take care of us in our old age. We have a moral duty to rip this asshole off. You know how to take photos with this?

Kassidi

What is keeping Carl? His bacon's getting cold.

Frank

What's with the boot?

Debbie

I cauterized the stumps. They were still bleeding, so I went to the ER.

Frank

Waste of money. Cauterization has been used since the Egyptians were building pyramids.

Debbie

Are those waffles? Yum.

Liam

So can I go on the cruise with Dylan's family or not?

Frank

Well... are we partners?

Liam

Yeah.

Frank

Okay, good.

Liam

I'm very proud to be your partner.

Frank

And your job, partner, is to go to the Caribbean and have a great time. After you get the code.

Liam

The code?

Frank

To turn off the alarm. And pics of their valuables and of the security system. One more big score, I can retire in style.

Kassidi

Carl! You motherfucker!

Liam

What the hell was that?

Frank

Marital bliss.

Veronica

So now what?

Svetlana

Well, I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.

Kevin

You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?

Svetlana

He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.

Kevin

What about the wedding guests?

Svetlana

I wear a veil. No one will see.

Veronica

Kev.

Kevin

What?

Veronica

Get her phone.

Kevin

You get her phone.

Svetlana

I get it. Hold machete. She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?

Kevin

[Grabs Svetlana's wrist and pulls her back] No way. I'm not slashing her face if she tries to make a run for it. [Pulls phone out of Freelania's pocket and checks it] "Zlata"?

Svetlana

Shit. Her mother is coming to the wedding.

Kevin

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?

Freelania

[Svetlana takes out cloth from Freelania's mouth and she threatens in Russian] She will rip out your lungs and eat them. [Svetlana restuffs Freelania's mouth]

Svetlana

You yell one more time, I will shave your head, I will cut off your nipples, and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel for big fun, okay? When is Zlata coming?

Freelania

Today. I am supposed to pick her up at airport. And I need to pee.

Svetlana

Get a bowl.

Kevin

What?

Svetlana

Use it for her to pee.

Kevin

Through her pants?

Svetlana

Take the pants off! Get a bowl.

Kevin

You know her mother?

Svetlana

Zlata. Scary old Soviet. Survived Stalingrad as a young girl by eating human flesh.

Veronica

She was a cannibal?

Debbie

Hey, Fiona.

Fiona

Hey. Just back for a shower and a quick change of clothes. Jesus. What happened to your toes?

Debbie

Frank cut 'em off.

Fiona

He what?!

Debbie

It's no big deal. I asked him to. You get rid of the squatters yet?

Fiona

No. Ford and Nessa are watching the building while I go to a lawyer thing.

Frank

Burn 'em out. It's the oldest trick in the slumlord's handbook, arson. You set a good blaze, they got two choices, run out of the building screaming or burn to death, and you get to the collect the insurance. Has anyone seen my other boot?

Fiona

I'm not gonna burn my building down, Frank.

Frank

Why not? Being a landlord sucks. Tenants who won't pay their rent, toilets clogged with... massive after Thanksgiving turds... there it is. You need to get in touch with Pyro Paulie.

Fiona

Who?

Frank

Paulie Paterniski. Best firebug on the South Side. I think he works at the Handy Mart now. Don't let his looks scare you. He had a trigger fuse on a bucket of jet fuel go sideways on him. The doctors used skin from his ass to rebuild his face. Ah... Fucking A, this one's to the workingman...

Margo

Well. I spoke to the Latham's attorney. That guy is a real piece of work. I think your roofer found his name on the back of a bus bench. But they are prepared to settle.

Fiona

Really?

Margo

For $3 million. They offered to remove you from the suit and pursue litigation solely with your insurance company if you're prepared to make a few concessions.

Fiona

Like what?

Margo

Sign the title of the building over to them.

Fiona

You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.

Margo

And they want... "Sparkles." They want Sparkles back.

Fiona

My dog, Rusty? They want my fucking dog?

Margo

They said their kids got very attached and they're, quote, "crying themselves to sleep," endquote, ever since you stole him.

Fiona

I stole him? They stole him from me! They're motherfuckers! Tell them to get their own goddamn dog.

Margo

There's another option. You sell the building... now, before it goes to trial... And spend the money. Go to Vegas. Take a trip around the world. And then just declare bankruptcy.

Fiona

Bankruptcy?!

Margo

Yeah. It's better than letting them take everything you own.