Let me ask you fine gentlemen, which of these congressional candidates look like you?
That's a gay Latino man and a semi-hot black woman, Frank.
Exactly. American men used to control everything. Look at a history book. We used to be the leading men. Now, we're marginalized. I attended a congressional debate this afternoon, and you know what I experienced? Reverse racism. It's all diverse gays and vaginas now. The tide is changing, gentlemen, and it's changing too damn fast, am I right? [Bar patrons chatter]
Give me a beer. I'll tell you something else. They're trying to take the Old Blue Brewery away from us. They wanna convert it into an LTGB-E-I-E-I-O, or a--a goddamn African Art gallery?
We need a candidate of our own, boys. A bright, shining beacon of hope. We need someone who will promote and protect our values. Someone who'll make sure our culture doesn't disappear. Someone who sat on a barstool and stared down the gun barrel that is the working class experience. But who?
He did? Are you sure? He did- somebody check. Did he die?
BPBar patron
[Checking phone] Uh, says here he's alive, just retired.
Well, that's perfect. Mo White is a genius idea. He was a true American congressman. He loosened the liquor license rules so that the Irish would have some place to drink. He helped rebuild Comiskey. He put in bocce for our Italian brothers.
BPBar patron
A- and- and horse-shoe pits.
Didn't he keep the Chris Columbus memorial from being torn down?
You bet your ass he did. Mo White is a friend of the South Side. We gotta find Mo White and write White in. [Frank] We need seed money for his campaign. [Grabs peanut bowl and holds up dollar bill] Ten bucks. I'll go first. Give me that. Ten bucks. Everybody, ten bucks. What do you say? Come on, yeah. The fundraising starts right now. The campaign pot is coming around. Hey, let's make Chicago white again.
[Chuckles and starts chanting] Mo White... [All bar patrons join in chanting] Mo White...
[before flashback scenes] Fuck you guys want?
What, you guys miss last week's episode?
Eh, we should probably show it to 'em.
Um... The fuck you doing?
[Arrives with Mo White campaign signs] Good morning, my indigenous South Siders! Don't mind me. Just showing our support for a better tomorrow. [Starts planting a sign on the lawn]
Shim. God. But God doesn't have a gender, or maybe it's both genders, so she, him--Shim. Mother-father God.
And you're waiting for Shim to...
Talk to me. Tell me what to do next.
Used to all the time in jail, but since I've been out, nothing.
That's because it never happened. Shim, a higher power, the great I Am, Great Spirit-- call it whatever you want-- but it ain't talking to you.
And we weren't talking to you.
Enlightenment, or whatever these new-fangled hippy-dippy religions are selling, is a waste of time. Gay Jesus, Taoism, Scientology, Christian Science, Joel Osteen, Deepak Chopra-- It's like going to one of those flaky schools where the students create their own curriculum, then don't get graded on it. Religion isn't a startup, Ian. You want God to talk to you, you gotta stick with the classics: Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity. And if you break the rules, you burn in hell for all eternity. And there's your enlightenment. In the meantime, I shall be saving the South Side from the endless caravan of immigrants. [Walks away]
[Reading a newspaper] What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?
I haven't raped anybody in here.
No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside. Out in the alleyway, maybe. But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey?
Give it to me. Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson. Of course she has two last names.
Does she look familiar to you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts." Imma kill that bitch.
This is so unfair. I mean, look around. W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway?
I have two daughters. What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?
V got to you, didn't she?
The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment. Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
No one talks to your ass anyway.
Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
You think women like that?
I'm in construction. I can't just change. Doesn't matter if time's up or not. If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell Suck on this." It's just what happens.
All right, let's start there. You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
Mm, I don't think so. Contains the word "men." I got it. [Snaps fingers] Vaginal enterprises.
Maybe we should just stick with "women."
[Laughs] Some women like to be told they're pretty.
Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't?
Old women like being hit on. Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
Why the hell would we want that?
We need a consistent standard.
All right, here's your standard. Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not-- there's your damn standard.
Kermit; I've never been so confused.
The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore. If women stay away, bad for business. Plus, rapey is wrong. A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher, and, uh, that's Mo White. He's running for Congress.
And what is your name, if you don't mind my asking?
EEvelyn
Evelyn. Evelyn Thomas.
Well, Evelyn, the reason we're here is that Mo is a proud South Sider, just like yourself. He grew up two blocks from here, over on Halsted, in what is now a crack den.
And the point being, Evelyn, it's time for us to take pride in the South Side, and that starts with good people like you.
EEvelyn
Sir, I don't give a rat's ass about the South Side. I don't even have a damn job.
[Laughs] I don't either, which is why we need Mo White in office! Right, Mo?
Mo wants to bring the jobs back to the working people in the South Side, the people whose parents and grandparents built this city! Pride is what made the South Side safe and strong, and that all starts with one thing, which is what?
A job. Bingo. Would you mind if we put a sign on your yard to show your support for Mo?
EEvelyn
Yeah, I guess that'd be okay. Sure.
That's the South Side pride I'm talking about.
EEvelyn
All right. South Side pride.
EEvelyn
I like that. Yeah, okay. Okay.
Uh, any contribution is gratefully welcome. Uh, we suggest 10. Uh, some people are doing $20.
Look, I've never been to a Buddhist temple before. I need Shim to talk to me. Uh, God. To talk to me. Any tips?
BMBuddhist monk
Repeat. I'm here to learn.
BMBuddhist monk
I take refuge in the Buddha.
"I take refuge in the Buddha."
BMBuddhist monk
Until I attain enlightenment.
"Until I attain enlightenment." Quick question. Once I attain enlightenment, then will Shim talk to me? 'Cause they did for a while. But then, suddenly, it stopped. So did Shim stop talking to me, or did I stop hearing Shim?
...
Okay, uh, rough estimate, how long does it normally take?
BMBuddhist monk
For Buddha, it took one night.
Well, that's not that bad.
BMBuddhist monk
After ages and lives of meditation.
Right, okay. I don't have that kind of time. I'm sorry. Uh, namaste.
Went to Congressman Ubberman's office, see if he could recommend me, but I couldn't even get an appointment.
Ubberman. He's a congressman?
White guy? Red face? Sweaty?
[Laughs] I'll be damned! Hey, babe, did you know that Wubby's a congressman?
When I was a dominatrix, he was one of my regulars. Dude used to like me to whip him and call him Wubby. And now he's a congressman.
Ah, I retired years ago. Leather underwear is not too good for my lady parts.
Would you ever think about coming out of retirement?
Even if it meant giving an underprivileged South Side kid a chance at achieving his dream?
S&M is not like riding a bike, Carl. You can't just strap on a pair of stilettos, pop a ball gag in someone's mouth, and start to whipping them. That is not how you ride a bike.
I mean, that's okay. Who's gonna let a poor South Side kid become an officer, anyway? I'll just enlist, embrace the suck, retire an old, disabled, sad alcoholic. Maybe they'll let me teach high school ROTC from my wheelchair if I'm lucky.
RRabbi
Hello. I'm afraid you just missed the Chabot morning service.
Oh, actually, I was just, uh, looking for some answers.
RRabbi
I'm the rabbi. What's the question?
If a religion or a movement makes the world a better place, does it matter if it goes in a different direction than originally intended?
RRabbi
Well, you pretty much just summed up every religion. A better question might be "What is God's will?"
That's exactly what I want to know. Does God speak to you?
RRabbi
I pray to God, yeah, but in the Jewish faith, we believe that the five books of the Torah are the word of God.
RRabbi
Mm, just the first part.
Yeah, I read it. So... God did speak to someone?
RRabbi
To Moses, and Moses... [Clicks tongue] wrote it down.
But he spoke to him, with words?
RRabbi
Mm-hm, but only to Moses.
RRabbi
Not with words. He did set a bush on fire once.
What is it with religions and setting things on fire?
[Clutching side] I'm not feeling so good. Think I'm coming down with something.
Buddy, it's not happening. You're going to school. Go.
It's a waste of time. I'm not learning anything. Can you just homeschool me?
[To Xan] No coffee. Milk or juice.
All the famous people are homeschooled- Leonardo da Vinci, Abe Lincoln, Justin Bieber.
I don't see you painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anytime soon, Biebs. Go.
...
Hey, Carl, how much longer those dogs gonna be dying down there?
Well, tell God to hurry the fuck up, all right? The whole house stinks.
I'm providing an essential service to below-the-poverty-line animal lovers while racking up on community service hours for my West Point application. It's a win-win.
Hey. Military service is for losers.
Spoken like a true patriot. And I'll be proud to protect your Constitutional right to be an asshole, Frank. What's with the outfit?
Got to hit the stump with Mo. Tomorrow's election day. We're fighting for the under-represented Caucasian male.
I think you're on the wrong side of history on this one.
Oh, I know Mo probably isn't gonna win.
But democracy's about fighting for what you believe is right. And rounding up as much campaign contribution cash as possible. Mo isn't taking money from lobbyists and corporate elites. Only small donations from the local citizenry.
'Cause nobody with any sense would want to support a pedophile.
Au contraire, fruit of my loins. No less a luminary than the president of these United States supported a candidate of questionable sexual history in regard to the chasing of underage tail.
How much you getting paid, Frank?
I take a small stipend, as is the custom for campaign managers.
Might not want to wear that shirt out of the house, Frank.
Oh. Sure they wouldn't have been better off if you'd just gassed them like you were supposed to?
I couldn't bring myself to do it.
How are you gonna order men to kill the enemy if you can't put down a couple of old dogs?
That's what officers do- order men to kill. What'd you think they were gonna teach you at West Point, marching cadences?
Is that what Gay Jesus would do?
What, kill old dogs? Hell, no. Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace, but you're not looking to get into Heaven. You want to lead lean, mean murdering machines. Can't kill a couple of old dogs, might be about time to start considering... teaching kindergarten? Nursing school?
Mo, where you been? I've been looking all over for you. Today's about getting out the Mo vote and rounding up a few more campaign contributions while we still can. Bus'll be along any minute. You okay?
Did you see the polls in the Tribune this morning? They have us at six percent, Frank. Six. I didn't get back into politics to be humiliated.
No, no, no, you got to look at the glass as half-full. The Tribune had us at three on Saturday. You've doubled your support in two days.
Every little bit helps to save our South Side, Mr. Nowakowski. Most people give a 20, but a 50 would make youa true American patriot. Thank you, sir. Thank you so much. Oh, this is a-a $5. Did you think it was a $50? [Glances across street] Oh, fuck.
[Speaking to a gaggle of junior high school girls] Washington is a fascinating place. Incredible opportunities for young student citizen interns. Hello, girls.
Oh. Well, it's--you're too young to vote in this election, but you make sure to register the minute you hit puberty. Okay? Off you go. [Chuckles] Off you go. [Students walk away]
That's not how you say it, Mo.
