Mickey Milkovich quotes from Shameless

A girl from school.

Mickey

[Pause] Make sure you check for hair behind the grill.

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[Debbie is speaking to Mandy at Milkovich residence front door]

Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him?

[Mandy shakes head in a sorry-can't-help-you kind of way]

Nothing? Not even a call or a text?

Sorry. [Mandy's face seems to say "How naive are you? Can't you tell that I want you to go away?]

So you want to know how Lip's doing?

Not really. [Mandy's face says "I can't possibly care less about that douche]

He's in college.

[Mandy puts on a forced sarcastic smile] Good for him!

[Mandy's face then turns "God, seriously?" then slams door in Debbie's face then walks into kitchen with Mickey and a man going through stolen mail]

Mickey

This is a bunch of bills, chink delivery menus and press-on-nail coupons. What mailboxes you robbing? Dearborn projects?

MSMan sitting at kitchen table beside Mickey

No, apartment complex over by Rush. There's an ATM card.

Mickey

Congratulations. It has no fucking pin number. What are you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes every day until they send the pin? [Makes a look of absolute disgust to him]

Mickey

[To Svetlana] Hey, you. This is all you made yesterday?

I give you everything.

Mickey

All $220?

[Svetlana nods in a matter of factual way]

Mickey

How many Johnsons did you squash?

17

Mickey

That's, like, 12 bucks a wank! [To Mandy] Who was at the door?

Debbie Gallagher.

Mickey

What'd she want?

She was looking for Ian. Seen him?

Mickey

Why do you care?

I don't. Said Lip was doing good in college.

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It's 50 grand a year for four years of frat parties, you know, intellectual circle jerks, speed reading 300-year-old novels that'll be forgotten the second the test is over, all because, you know, we're told we can't succeed in the world without a piece of paper. You know, and it's bullshit. Bill Gates dropped out. Steve Jobs.

That's that center for the Blackhawks?

Yeah, you know, it just all one big collegiate scam.

I'm glad that place didn't turn you into an elitist prick.

No, still a Southside prick like all the rest of you.

Mickey

[Enters Alibi Room] Jesus Christ, Russian whores know how to run their mouths when there ain't some dude's junk jammed in there. [To Lip] Weren't you supposed to be at college or some shit?

Nope, packing up my Kant and Milton Friedman. I'm done with all that crap.

...

You were joking, right, about not going back to college?

Serious. I'm done.

I was hoping you were blowing off some steam.

Well, the truth is, it's not only up to me. My grades suck. But the only reason I'm going back there is to pack my shit and split.

So you quit. Then what?

I'll figure it out. [Kevin scoffs] What?

Grow a pair.

Excuse me?

You heard me. Tough it out, man. What are you, a pussy? It's like I said. It's not only up to me. You're resourceful. You'll figure it out.

Look, Kev, this is the first good day I've had since I left for that shithole.

Lip, do you want to end up like me? Clawing for every penny, praying that you can figure out some way to support your family? Because that's what I'm going through. I got bills up to my ass and let me tell you something. It fucking sucks. Well, you're resourceful. You'll figure it out.

All right. College is a racket, huh?

Well, guess what? There's no one better at beating the system than you. Hell, man, you got them to give you four fucking years for free. Why don't you get your damn diploma, spit in their faces and have a fucking future?

Kev, I am trying to drink my beer, enjoy being back home.

This isn't your home. It's where you grew up. It's not where you're supposed to be.

And what, now you're the arbiter on where everybody's supposed to be?

Yeah, maybe, if I knew what arbiter meant.

I'm getting pretty damn tired of everybody telling me where I should be and what I should be doing.

Then stop making them have to! Grow the fuck up!

Um... Thanks for the beers, Kev.

Yeah, you're welcome.

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[Mandy opens her bedroom door to find a Russian prostitute with her boyfriend Kenyatta]

Oh! Shit!

You've got to be kidding me! [Smashing glass is heard with all the Russian women and Mickey at alert]

[Runs out of room nude and down hall] Ah!

Mickey

Uh, 'scuse, hey, you mind not swinging that shit around?! You're gonna fuckin' hurt someone!

[Comes up to Mickey's face pointing a hammer in his face] This is your fault!

Mickey

Mine?!

I'm practically tripping over these bitches. I want them gone, now! I was gone ten fucking minutes!

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Mickey

Hey, what the hell are you doing here?

I need a gun.

Mickey

Who you gonna kill?

You wearing cologne?

Mickey

No. It's Kenyatta's perfume soap shit.

You use another dude's soap?

Mickey

So, what?

It's got pubes on it.

Mickey

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does. What guy doesn't have pubes on his soap?

Mickey

My soap doesn't have pubes on it.

Well, obviously, you're not washing your pubes.

Mickey

You came all the way down here to talk about my pubes?

Just give me a gun.

Mickey

You run a bar on the South Side. How the fuck do you not have a gun?

Not everyone's a thug.

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GCGay club bartender

You think you're the first one to come in here boo-hooing about some cocktail s*** who jacked you off in the bathroom, told you it was true love, and then disappeared? Trust me. You're not. So why don't you buy yourself a drink and fall in love with somebody else?

Mickey

You calling me gay?

GCGay club bartender

Oh. Please, honey. You make Justin Bieber look straight.

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[Ian has brought to Mickey to an upscale single-men-meeting-single-men party in downtown Chicago]

Hey, this is Mickey.

HHost

Delighted to meet you. Uh, could I get either of you a cocktail?

Mickey

Yeah, you got beer?

HHost

I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.

Mickey

How about beer?

HHost

Right. Could I be any more of a fag? One beer coming up. Ian?

Let's see what you got.

GGuest

[Approaches] You're new. Hi.

Mickey

Hey.

GGuest

You here with Ian?

Mickey

Yeah.

GGuest

He's great. So what do you do for living?

Mickey

I run a business.

GGuest

What kind of business?

Mickey

Hospitality.

GGuest

Oh, nice. What realm?

Mickey

I'm a pimp.

GGuest

Wait, you're serious? That's incredible. My dissertation is on transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations. You got a card?

[Mickey just stares at the guest as if the guest is mentally disabled]

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Mickey

My bitch of a wife thinks I owe her something. Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a fucking load in her.

MIMan in car

Boys. Ride around the block?

Mickey

We look like a couple fags for sale to you?

MIMan in car

Yes.

Mickey

Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window-shopping.

MIMan in car

You're in Boystown, outside a bar called The Fairy Tail.

Mickey

Why don't you fuck off before I give you a broken spine to go along with that limp wrist? [Mickey picks up a bottle, man drives off and Mickey throws it at the driver] Yeah, get going, you fucking fruit! Thinks he can buy whatever he wants 'cause he's got a fucking Rolex and an S-class. That shit happen to you a lot?

Every night.

Mickey

From rich dudes?

Gotta get to work.

...

You have an econ quiz in two hours.

Uh, right, you know, about that, I-I couldn't help but notice the schedule.

I made it for you.

Yeah, no, I thought it might have been you, and you broke it down into five-minute segments. I mean, who schedules something for 12:55?

So you can better manage your time.

Right, but you even put in preset bathroom breaks.

I synced it to your new phone.

You got me a new phone?

You're welcome.

Thank you. But seriously, this-- this schedule, it's just-- it's-- it's not me, okay? I'm not used to having my dumps planned out in advance. You know, it's-- I can't-- I can't regiment my life like that, all right?

That's why I'm doing it for you.

Okay, I guess I'm just more of a, uh, fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.

How's that working out for you?

How 'bout a quick BJ then?

BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes.

...

[Kenyatta walks up to Mickey walking down the street from Mickey's house]

Hey!

Mickey

What do you want?

Mandy, she here last night?

Mickey

She wasn't with you?

No, I was at work. I kept calling the house, no answer. Then I call her cell, she say she's at home. She with Lip?

Mickey

You just keep putting two and two together, huh? Hey, good for you, Einstein.

[referring to Mickey's house] He in this motherfucker?

Mickey

Nah, asshole's at college. It's a big place, lots of buildings. People go there to learn. Don't worry about it.

Man, where at?

Mickey

West Maxwell. [to Kenyatta while walking away] Hey, you planning on giving a beat down to every guy Mandy's been with? Your arms are gonna get fucking tired!

...

[Carl has just spraypainted "PRINCIPAL RAMIREZ IS CARL GALLAGERS (sic) BITCH" on the school lockers]

PRPrincipal Ramirez

What are you doing?

Stating the obvious.

PRPrincipal Ramirez

You just bought yourself two more weeks' detention.

Cool.

PRPrincipal Ramirez

You know, you misspelled your last name.

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So you are Rainbow Boy now?

Mickey

The fuck you do to your hair?

You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now?

Mickey

I look shitty in pink.

[Svetlana opens bathrobe to reveal a strap-on dildo]

Mickey

What the fuck?

You like the penis, yes?

Mickey

Not when there's tits directly above it.

You want it up in your poop place?

Mickey

No, I don't-- I want you-- fucking-- I want you to put it away. Can you put that away? Put that fucking thing away, please? Thank you.

You love him?

Mickey

Maybe. I don't know.

Because he has a real penis?

Mickey

Yeah, I guess.

I hate the penis. Ugly fucking skin stick. Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penis is staring at you, hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America-- it's land of choices, yes? Freedom to be me. Freedom to be you. McDonald's, Burger King on same block. You choose. One, both. Shit, maybe we go to Wendy's instead.

Mickey

Hold-- you're a lesbian?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

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[Fundamentalists church congregationalists are demonstrating at a soldier's funeral chanting homophobic slurs and the reverend is provoking Ian's comrades]

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you people? [Ian grabs a wooden cross and charges at them]

Mickey

Ian, you are in uniform and you're wanted by MPs. Can you not make a fucking... Hey, hey! [Mickey grabs Ian, trying to hold him back] That's making a scene.

Hey, shut the fuck up!

Mickey

What are you doing? Oh, you... What are you doing? What are you doing?

They call themselves a church. I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in with Jesus.

Mickey

That's a terrible fucking idea... Shut up, motherfuckers!

AMArmy MP

Are you okay, son?

Fuck you!

AMArmy MP

You can't wear the uniform and wield a cross as a weapon, soldier.

Oh, I'm the problem, huh?! I'm the fucking problem?! You're protecting these assholes!

AMArmy MP

Listen to me. I hate these pricks too, but you need to settle down or I'll have to call your commanding officer. It's Gallagher, is it?

Mickey

No, we, we're good. We're good. Thank you. I got him. I got him. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one. Let's go. Go. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one.

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What's up, babe?

What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?

You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.

Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?

All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.

You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.

God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.

Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.

Hey, Fiona. Hey, V.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?

Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.

What happened to your hair?

If it was lice again, I could have washed it.

No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.

I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?

V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.

You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.

Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.

Who the fuck are you?

It's just a fucking haircut.

Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.

...

[Ian, Mickey and two friends are watching behind a door]

PPastor

Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.

But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.

PPastor

But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.

But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.

[A friend has taken Mandy's place and is fellating the pastor]

PPastor

[Moans in pleasure] Yes.

[Mickey, Ian and a friend are all filming and taking pictures, with camera lights flashing]

Mickey

Really fast!

PPastor

What-- what is this?

That's a good one.

PPastor

Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?

Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?

PPastor

Oh, my God.

...

It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?

It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...

What? I look like a what?

Whoa, you look like a hooker.

You think?

That is not a compliment, Debbie.

From Carl?

Totally is. Hookers are hot.

See?

Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?

I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?

Your friends still aren't talking to you?

What friends?

You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.

Fine.

What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?

Yeah.

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[Enters The Alibi bar]

Mickey

Whiskey. The fucking bottle.

What's got you so riled up?

Mickey

Leave me the fuck alone.

Hey, maybe I can help. I'd consider bringing you home, but I don't have one at the moment. Wouldn't stop us from paying a visit to the alley. I don't mind being bent over for the right guy.

Mickey

Guess that makes every other guy in her the right fucking guy.

Oh, excuse me for having a shitty day and wanting to let off some steam.

Mickey

Not my type.

Bet I could be.

Mickey

Bet you couldn't.

What's your type?

Mickey

Redhead.

I am downstairs.

Mickey

Batshit crazy.

Check.

Mickey

Packing nine inches. [Holds up both hands to indicate measurement]

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I call police.

Mickey

The hell you will.

No, I call police because Crazy Carrot Boy took my baby.

Mickey

You call the cops, I'm gonna tell them I said Ian could take the baby on a trip. Who do you think they're gonna believe, huh? Illegal Russian fucking hand-whore or card-carrying, apple pie-eating, "Born on the Fourth of July" American fucking citizen?

Pregnant hand-whore, who is also mother, they will believe.

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[Mickey is playing an electric guitar in his bedroom wearing nothing, facing the doorway and has a severe bruise on his right side face]

What happened to your face?

Mickey

Nothing.What the fuck do you want?

Can you help me get these drugs?

Mickey

Iggy! Iggy! Can you get that shit? [Throws bag of empty prescription bottles to Iggy]

IIggy

Who the fuck gets high on lithium?

Mickey

No one.

IIggy

So? So I can't get 'em. I can get you crack, crystal, horse, E. But this shit, no. There's no market for it.

Mickey

I'll take some fucking crack.

IIggy

You got money?

[Mickey is silent and motionless. Iggy walks away.]

When are you gonna come by to see Ian? He's been home all day. Maybe if you were there-- [Mickey Belches] Did you guys break up or something? Because I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to kidnap your baby.

Mickey

I'm fucking busy, Peppermint Patty. Go whine at someone who gives a shit. [Debbie walks over to sound system and turns it off]

Frank used to drink like this. When Monica was around and they would fight, he would angry drink. It never worked. He always came back to her. You can't drink him away, Mickey. It won't work.

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[Sammi walks into house with a box]

Mickey

Need a little help with that?

No thanks.

Mickey

Are you sure? [Grabs box and attempts to intimidate her]