Mickey Milkovich quotes from Shameless

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Mickey

Where the fuck you been?

With my mom.

Mickey

You okay?

I hate the meds. You gonna make me take 'em?

Mickey

You get fucking nuts when you don't.

Are you gonna want to be with me even if I don't? You used to love me. Now you don't even know who I am. Shit, I don't know who I am half the time. You don't owe me anything.

Mickey

[In a tone of voice that a parent uses with a melodramatic child] I... love... you...

What the hell does that even mean?

Mickey

It means we take care of each other.

I don't want you sitting around, worrying, watching me, waiting for me to do my next crazy shit. It means thick and thin, good times, bad, sickness, health, all that shit. You gonna marry me? Are we gonna go down to the courthouse in some tuxes like a couple of old queens?

Mickey

Fuck you.

No, thanks. I've already done that.

Mickey

What the hell is wrong with you?

Too much! Too much is wrong with me. That's the problem, isn't it? Too much is wrong with me, and you can't do anything about that. You can't change it. You can't fix me, 'cause I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed, okay? I'm me!

Mickey

This is it. This is you breaking up with me.

Yeah.

Mickey

Really? Fuck.

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[Sammi is approaching in the distance with a handgun and she is calling out to him]

Mickey

Holy shit.

Is that Sammi?

Mickey.

Mickey

She's got a fucking gun!

{Fiona is in the kitchen with Veronica]

Do you think I'm a good person?

[Sound of gunshot]

Was that a gunshot?

[A ricochet flies through window whipping up drapes]

Mickey

Fuck you!

Oh, you're gonna get fucked!

Is that Sammi?

You tried to fucking kill me!

Mickey

Fuck you!

Fuck you, too!

Mickey

Fuck you and your weird-ass kid!

Oh, you're gonna get fucked, you little bitch!

[Fiona rushes out backyard door and comes across Ian]

What the hell is going on?

Mickey

You shoot like a bitch!

Hi.

Hi. What is going on?

I'm not sure. Mickey tried to kill Sammi. Sammi's trying to kill Mickey, and something about her being in a box for a week.

When did you get back?

Couple minutes ago.

[Police sirens approach]

How's Monica?

Living with a teenage meth dealer.

Sounds like Monica.

Veronica

That can't be good.

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[Ian and Mickey are driving in Oklahoma with cholo Damon]

Mickey

The fuck you looking at?

Still haven't told me your plan.

Mickey

I'm thinking a little bit of nipple pinching and some ass eating. Seriously.

All right.

Mickey

Hey, go straight to fucking. That's fine.

You're a fugitive, all right? You can't just stroll across the Mexican border.

Mickey

I told you, I got it covered. Even learned me some Spanish. [Speaks Spanish]

What the fuck does that mean?

Mickey

"Say that again, I'll shove your dick down your throat."

You have any money?

Mickey

We'll get some.

[Police car is oncoming] Shit. [Police car passes by unsuspectingly and Mickey chuckles]

Mickey

So, you ever been to the beach?

No.

Mickey

Sun all year round. No more freezing our asses off. Just sandals and tequila from here on, man. It's what kept me going in the joint. The beach. Us. Bet your white ass burns like a fuck.

DDamon

[Holds out makeshift bong from a Gatorade bottle] You wanna hit this?

Mickey

Yeah, pass that shit.

DDamon

Don't fucking drop that shit. [Mickey takes a hit and coughs]

Mickey

['Pulls over to a gravel lot] Something else I want to hit. [To Damon] Yo, go take a leak.

DDamon

Don't need to.

Mickey

Go do yoga. Sing fucking Taylor Swift. I don't give a shit. Get out of the fucking car. Go! [Damon gets out and Mickey says to Ian] Come here. Hey, I bottom now, too, if you want to switch things up. If I wanted to fuck a guy in the ass, I would have stayed in prison. Get the lube, bitch.

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Mickey

Hey, I'm getting pork rinds and a 40. You want anything?

Uh, coffee and a Kind bar.

Mickey

Ugh. Fucking pussy. [Gunshot rings out from gas station store with Mickey and Damon running out] Fuck! Go, go, go, go, go!

Shit.

Mickey

Drive the car! Drive the car! Drive the car! [Gas station store woman employee opens fire with an assault rifle on them with them driving away unscathed] You beaner fuck! Shit! Damon, you fucking dumb fuck! Come on, what the fuck?!

You said you were getting food!

Mickey

I was till shit for brains here pulled his Glock out.

DDamon

I thought when you said we was getting gas, we was going to rob the fucking place.

Mickey

I meant we were fucking getting gas!

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Mickey

Ugh! Get the fսck off me!

What's your problem?!

Mickey

I'm sick of the smell of goddamn mayonnaise. It's like getting screwed by a bowl of potato salad every morning.

It's the only lube we have in this shithole.

Mickey

Well, it makes me wanna gag every time you come near me.

Oh, yeah, 'cause you taking a shit every night at 8:15 is a real fսckin' bed of roses.

Mickey

At least my shit gets flushed, unlike your coleslaw-smellin' dіck.

Can't be 8:30, can it? Or seven o'clock? No, Mickey has to shit every night at the exact same time. That's annoying.

NCNeighboring cell inmate

Shut up!

Mickey

Is it? Is it as annoying as the way you lick your finger every single time you turn the page of whatever faggoty-ass book you're reading? Okay. "My name's Ian. I can't turn the page like a normal human being. I have to put my whole goddamn paw in my mouth."

You know what? If you actually knew how to read, maybe you'd understand, not, "Look at these fսcking [Mickey displays gesture] squiggle-dings all over this piece of paper!"

NCNeighboring cell inmate 1

Every morning, the same shit! man: You're like old women!

NCNeighboring cell inmate 2

I came to prison to get away from my parents.

Mickey

Eat my cornhole, cocks!

NCNeighboring cell inmate 1

Not if it smells like mayonnaise.

Mickey

Exactly! [Buzzer blares ]

GGuard

Let's go! Line it up!

Hey. I wanna see the warden about getting a new roommate.

GGuard

What is this, fսckin' summer camp? [Shoves Ian aside] Get your ass to breakfast!

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GGuard

Hey. Where you think you're going?

IInmate

Just taking the infirmary biowaste trash to the truck, like always.

GGuard

Not today. Budget crunch. Biowaste truck service and a whole bunch of other shit cancelled immediately.

IInmate

So what you want me to do with all this medical waste then? This shit deadly, boss. Even the AIDS in this thing got AIDS.

GGuard

Just dump it in the incinerator. Call it a day.

IInmate

Incinerator?

GGuard

Yep. Burn all that shit up. I'll escort you over there.

Mickey

[Bangs loudly in wheelie bin] Hey, there! Get me the fսck outta here! [Guard opens wheelie bin to discover Mickey who holds up syringe] Found it.

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Mickey

This everything?

As much as I could find.

Mickey

Hey, anybody, uh, kind of...brown come around the house looking for me?

No.

Mickey

Good. How is everyone, anyway?

[Laughs] Same. Your brothers are idiots. Least once a week, one of them gets drunk, crawls into my bed, and tries to get something off of me.

Mickey

Fսck 'em, chop their nuts off next time they try it.

Or I could stay here with you. Have fun like we did when we were kids. [Grabs his crotch]

Mickey

Jeez! You know that's messed up, right?

Not like we're related.

Mickey

We are totally related. We're fսcking cousins! And you're gay.

Fine, whatever.

Plus, he's taken.

Oh, right, you.

Yeah, good to see you too, Sandy. Bathroom's all yours.

Mickey

Hey, I had shampoo and sh¡t. Is there soap anywhere?

You've been gone for years. You think your brothers would save that shit for you?

You can use mine. We'll hit Costco later. I'm getting paid.

Mickey

I can't, man. PO texted me when you were in the shower. He's got a job for me.

Give me a list of s*** for me you need and I'll pick it up for you.

Isn't that cute. Little domestic b******.

Mm, thank you.

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[In backyard lane] Mickey? Mickey! Hey, come on out. Cops are gone.

Mickey

The fսck they want?

Paula's dead.

Mickey

[Chuckles] No shit. Is it Christmas?

It's not funny. Someone threw her out a window.

Mickey

You kidding me? That's extremely funny. There's, like, a fսcking verb for that.

I- I'm serious, Mickey. They want us to go into the station for questioning. You know anything about this?

Mickey

Nah. fսck, no. I didn't kill her. Wait. Do you know something about this? No. That what you're telling me?

Of course not.

Mickey

Got it. Good strategy.

Wait, what stra- I- I didn't kill her.

Mickey

Little bit, you did, though.

No. Not little bit. I did zero murdering of my PO last night, Mickey.

Mickey

Okay.

I'm not the one who came home late without any sort of explanation.

Mickey

I did explain. I was with my dad.

Mickey

No. You didn't explain why you were with your dad.

Exactly. Okay, so, to be clear, you didn't kill her, or, you know, you "didn't" kill her"?

Mickey

Why are you putting shit in weird fսcking air quotes?

Because I didn't fսcking kill her.

Mickey

Okay. Me neither. We both know what we know we know... that we know. [Mickey starts walking away]

What the fսck does that mean? Hey. Where you going?

Mickey

[Scoffs] Wouldn't you like to know?

I- I- I would. I would like to know!

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Mickey

[Gets off from Byron's motor scooter] Oh, hey. Why don't you get out of here? I'll call you later. [Grabs his rear and waves him off]

Who's that?

Mickey

Byron. Cute, huh? Super tight asshоlе.

[Mickey walks past him into house] You're a top now?

Mickey

Verse. Who knew?

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Mickey

Jesus Christ. You're never gonna fix the fսcking thing, Byron. No one that rides a Vespa can fix anything.

Something happen to your little bike thingy?

BByron

Yeah. It's a Vespa, and... it stopped working all of a sudden.

Oh, weird.

Mickey

What the hell are you doing here?

I came to drop off some of the stuff you left at my place.

Mickey

That it?

And I was hoping that we could talk. In private.

Mickey

You know, anything you got to say to me, you can say in front of the... love of my life, Byron.

Mickey. Okay. It was a mistake coming. [Turns to walk away]

BByron

Yeah. Hey, Ian, you want to come check out a show tomorrow? [Ian turns to walk back]

Mickey

Jesus Christ. Read the fսcking room, Byron.

Show?

BByron

Yeah. It's the Imperial Mammoth. I don't know if you've heard about them. They're- they're, like, my favorite band right now.

Wait. Wait, yeah, yeah. They're the, uh, the hipster shit with the suspenders and the- the harp and all that, huh? Yeah, you're going to that?

BByron

I can get you on the list, too. I mean, I don't know if you need a plus- one or whatever-

Mickey

Nah, no. He don't need a plus-one. Trust me, he's got a lot of, uh, what'd you say, "personal work" you needed to do before you'd be ready to play the field?

No. No. Uh, actually, I just took a page out of your playbook and attached myself to the first swinging dіck I saw. We barely know each other, but, pfft... man, it has been a fairy tale so far. It's actually why I came here is, uh... Looks like we both moved on, so no reason for things to be awkward, right?

Mickey

Congrats.

Yeah, it all happened so fast, but when you know, you know. Right?

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[Before flashback scenes] Ah, you wanna see what happened last week?

Mickey

No, no, you know what? Fuck- Get outta here. We're not tellin' you sh¡t. Go- go, go, go.

Jesus, Mick.

Mickey

Shoulda watched the last time.

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[Pacing around outside Gallagher residence] Mickey! I know you're in there, you fսck¡n' homo! Hey, Mick, You faggy fɑggоt! You're never gonna marry that Gallagher queer, you hear me? Mickey!

Hey, your dad's here.

Hey, you want a Pride parade?! Yeah. How 'bout I slice off your pansy dicks and stick 'em on a fսcking float?! [Mickey walks out door] I got a little conversion therapy for you! You suck a dіck, you die.

Mickey

Would you shut the fսck up?! You're annoying the shit outta everybody!

Well, if it isn't the little shirt lifter. Just want you to know- you marry a man, Imma put a fսcking bullet in your head! Simple as that!

Mickey

Why wait, bitch?! I'm standing right here, Charlottesville. [Terry draws his firearm and Mickey draws his] Oh, look at that- we must shop at the same gun show.

The fսck happened to you?!

Mickey

You know what they say- the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

It does if it lands on a dіck!

Mickey

Aw, please, stop. I get it, all right? You're proud a me.

You must really love cock.

Mickey

I definitely love one.

Don't say I didn't warn ya, cocksmoker. [Walks past Mickey, shoulder bumping him]

Mickey

Good talk, Pops.

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So when you moving to Milwaukee?

Lip

I don't know.

You don't sound very excited about it.

Lip

Yeah, well... it is Milwaukee. Free house, though, right? Yeah, I mean, it's a nice house. Nice neighborhood. Yard. Well, damn. Jackpot. Saw an actual birdhouse with birds in it. Uh, not drսg. Birds.

Mickey

Morning.