KevinNew rule. No more of your ta-tas hanging out. This is a decent establishment. There will be a dress code.
[Veronica holds up modest shirt] This is shirt to bury Catholic nun in, huh? Not to sell drinks.
It's your new uniform. This will teach you a lesson that you don't fuck over the people you love.
[In Russian] Unless those people are stupid.
Kevin
"Tupyye. Tupyye." You say that a lot. It means "stupid," right? [Grabs Svetlana's chin and turns her face to his] Well, here's a new new rule. You don't call us stupid anymore. [Svetlana jerks face away, grabs shirt, walks away and Kevin says to Veronica] Dominance. Boom.
[To Kevin and Veronica] I am looking for Svetlana Yevgenivna, pozhaluista.
Freelania Alexeyevich? [In Russian] Fuck, can not be.
I am blast from whoring past, no?
[In Russian] We go aside to talk.
Hey! No speaking Russian!
Kevin
Five minutes and you're back unloading the liquor stock.
You helped to smuggle me into this country. Freelania Alexeyevich always repays her debts. You said you would drop dead before I could find anyone to turn me from whore to wife. I would like to see you die now, please.
Not true. You were always ugly bottom-feeder, only good for hand jobs.
Very true. It's too bad you are still... bitter prostitute slave working for poor people. If you weren't such a cunt, madam, you might be able to marry well too. $4,500 for 40 pounds of lube and vagina cleanse. Debt repaid. Now you are a "ugly bottom-feeder."
Break time's over. [Throws trash bag at Svetlana's feet]
[Svetlana follows Freelania outside who gets into a Bentley Contininental and drives away with Svetlana mouthing "bitch"]
...
Svetlana's been on that laptop all day. I don't trust it.
Kevin
Think she's plotting revenge?
This is the same chick who offed her husband/father and no one's ever found the body.
Permission to take cigarette break, Sir... Ball?
Kevin
Permission granted.
...
How long Svetlana been on her break?
Kevin
Feels like a long time, right?
Kev, this isn't good. I told you, she is plotting something against us. Some Russian chick comes in here yesterday, and ever since, Svetlana's been acting weird.
Kevin
That's it. I'm gonna put a stop to this. Domination time. [He and Veronica walk up to Svetlana] All right, what's on the laptop?!
Kevin
New rule: no personal business at work. Open the laptop.
New rule: show us what's on the laptop or get shipped to the gulag.
[In Russian] I'm not showing you shit.
Kevin
Show us what's on the damn computer, or we're gonna call Immigration.
KVKevin and Veronica
Show us the fucking laptop!
Fine! [Turns around laptop] You want to see what I'm doing? I am looking up fact after fact about rich old fuck who's about to marry a bottom-rate whore who I helped smuggle into this country. She gets to have American dream, live life of beauty and privilege while I sit here and get shit on by two ex-lovers who still treat me like a prostitute slave, who make me wear a vampire blouse just to strip me of the last bit of dignity that I still have.
Kevin
What does it say now?
[Reading off phone] "Sassy Russian exprostitute" seeks single geriatric male with piles of money and a terminal illness."
Kevin
Subtle.
Guy named Gerald seems interested. Luxury cigar importer.
Kevin
[To Svetlana] Hey, guess what we're doing.
I can find my own rich husband.
We know that you can, but if a wealthy cigar importer comes into The Alibi tonight, it won't kill you to smile and have a drink.
What is the point of smiling?
Make other people feel good.
I make people feel good other ways.
Kevin
Yes, you do. But there are some situations where hand jobs are not appropriate. [Svetlana walks away unimpressed]
Kevin
Here you are, sir. On the house.
Kevin
Of course. Our elders are a precious resource. Thanks for staying alive.
GGerald
I'll drink to that. [Svetlana walks over] My, my. You must be Svetlana. Wow. What a knockout. Good evening, ma'am.
Kevin
May I procure you a cocktail?
GGerald
Your profile was, quite provocative. You were an escort for a time, weren't you?
Hand whore. Occasional cock-sucking and fucking. What is your name?
"Gerald." Sounds like bald man drowning in hot soup.
Kevin
[Hands drink to Svetlana] There you are, m'lady.
GGerald
What would it run me if, you and I were to take a walk out to my vehicle and you were to keep me company for 30 minutes?
GGerald
Forty bucks. And you take off your shoes so I don't get any... dirt on my seat. [Svetlana punches Gerald in nose and walks away]
Kevin
Could've gone worse. Don't know how.
[Svetlana is sitting before Kevin and Veronica in their living room]
Kevin
Okay. You did really well last night.
However, we need to tone down the rage a little. You're not gonna get anywhere if your date thinks you want to murder him the second he ties the knot.
Kevin
Great question. Which brings us to Part A of our plan, etiquette.
[Writes on marker board] Rich guys are old school. They want a lady to be a lady.
Kevin
A man wants to feel powerful. Really powerful. So let him dominate the conversation. Act like he's totally fascinating.
Kevin
Okay, this brings us to Part B of our plan. This is a tiny microphone. Attach it to your shirt. This is a tiny earpiece. Put this in your ear. Come on, Svet. You're Russian. This is spy shit. It's in your DNA. Testing, testing. Can you hear me?
Kevin
I meant in the thingy. Can you hear me?
Kevin
Okay. Do everything I say. Scratch your nose. Tuck your hair behind your ear. Excellent. Say, "Kevin Ball has a sexy voice."
Kevin
Say it.
Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
I look like a fucking First Lady.
Here. Go cross your legs and pretend to be captivated.
Kevin
Smokey to Bobcat. Do you hear me? Over.
Kevin
We're trying to get Svetlana married off to a rich dude.
So... you just gave 'em your place, just like that?
What else was I supposed to do? Man, I was really digging my quiet mornings away from Gallagher chaos. And it's extra bad right now 'cause of Ian's gay messiah shit.
He should read Pope Leo the 13th's encyclical on property rights.
You know, whiskey is actually clear when it comes off the still. It gets the caramel color from the barrel...
You know, I'm just... I'm just gonna say this. Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter that I'm sitting here. I know all the places you've lived. I know all the languages you speak. I've met your exes, your baby mamas, your spawn. And yet, you have never asked one question about me. Did you know that I became legal guardian of my siblings when I was 23? Or that I dropped out of high school, but then I got back and I got my GED?
Yes, actually, I did. And I know you did it to convince your genius brother who's a recovering alcoholic to stay in college. I know you got left at the altar by your junkie fiancé with whom you were very much in love.
'Cause I ask around. There's some other stuff I know. You're fiercely protective of your family. You're generous. Like today, for example, you gave your apartment to a homeless family.
You are so very much yourself. You don't even have to try. And frankly, you scare the fuckin' shit out of me.
...
Kevin
[Gerald walks over to Svetlana at wall] It's him. It's him. Svet, Svet. The buzzard is in the tuba. The buzzard is in the tuba.
Kevin
I have no idea. I've never done this before. What's she saying? I can't hear anything. I can't hear anything. We never tested the microphone.
All right, well, she needs to relax. Tell her to lean in a little.
Kevin
Svetlana, lean in a little. Too far. Too Far. Too far. Too far. Take a sip of your drink. Sip, not gulp.
Tell her to- to ask him about something.
Kevin
All right. All right. All right, Svet. Ask him about his mother. No, not his mother. Ask him about his favorite sports teams. Allergies... What the hell do people talk about on dates? Did she just drop her earpiece in her drink? Oh, no. [Svetlana nears her hand to Gerald's crotch] She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she? [Svetlana moves hand all the way in] Called that one.
[Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana are at an upscale restaurant of a high-end hotel]
Kevin
Wow. This fucking place, huh?
I found it on Belarusian whore website. More billionaires stay here than any other hotel in Chicago.
Kevin
What are you doing?
Comparing my skills to those of Freelania. These are my skills on this napkin, and these are hers.
There's nothing on that napkin.
Hmm, precisely. She is sub-mental. Not as attractive, not as charming. Look at my ass. It's perfect. I would fuck my own ass. She has flat ass of Filipino boy.
[Kevin and Veronica open their menus]
Kevin
$18 for a beer. You'd have to be a billionaire to catch a buzz.
Well, I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.
Kevin
You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?
He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.
Kevin
What about the wedding guests?
I wear a veil. No one will see.
[A phone rings and Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana all check their phones to realize it's Freelania's]
Kevin
What?
Kevin
You get her phone.
I get it. Hold machete. She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?
Kevin
[Grabs Svetlana's wrist and pulls her back] No way. I'm not slashing her face if she tries to make a run for it. [Pulls phone out of Freelania's pocket and checks it] "Zlata"?
Shit. Her mother is coming to the wedding.
Kevin
Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?
[Svetlana takes out cloth from Freelania's mouth and she threatens in Russian] She will rip out your lungs and eat them. [Svetlana restuffs Freelania's mouth]
You yell one more time, I will shave your head, I will cut off your nipples, and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel for big fun, okay? When is Zlata coming?
Today. I am supposed to pick her up at airport. And I need to pee.
Kevin
What?
Kevin
Through her pants?
Take the pants off! Get a bowl.
Kevin
You know her mother?
Zlata. Scary old Soviet. Survived Stalingrad as a young girl by eating human flesh.
What's with the uniform, G.I. Joe? I thought you were off for the summer.
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be "at rest"?
At ease. And there is no ease for a soldier who's West Point bound. Debs, can you pass me the milk? Debs.
[Reading newspaper] Eighty cents. That's how much women make on the dollar compared to men. And if you're a woman of color, 65 cents. This is a sexist shit nugget of a country. Don't you forget that.
Kevin
Oh, Debs! Thank God you're not working. Hey, I need a favor. I gotta take V to this nursery school tour. Can you watch the girls for like an hour? They can't come. Thanks.
Why are you speaking to me?
Kevin
'Cause you're Debbie.
No. Why are you speaking to the only woman in the room, Kevin Ball? Why is childcare a woman's job? Let me tell you why. Did you know that the average American man works about 17.5 hours a week doing unpaid home labor? Cooking, cleaning. While women, however, spend about 28.4 hours a week. Now, considering the fact that the average American makes $26.82 an hour, that's $40,000 a year that women are not getting paid to cook, clean, and wipe baby asses.
Kevin
So you can't do it?
[Scoffs] Come on, Franny, let's oppose patriarchal oppression.
GGayle
Mandarin Immersion today. So what do you think?
Kevin
This is where I wanna go when I die.
GGayle
Here is our applications packet with beaucoup info about Beaucoup.
Kevin
What's this, uh, number here? Is that a year in the future?
GGayle
No, that's our tuition.
Kevin
For a month?!
Uh, that's three times our mortgage.
GGayle
Oh, dear. Yes, these numbers can seem a little bit high, but it's pretty standard in Chicago.
GGayle
Not at Beaucoup. Why don't I recommend you somewhere that's a little more budget-friendly. Okay?
Kevin
[Reading a newspaper] What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?
I haven't raped anybody in here.
Kevin
No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside. Out in the alleyway, maybe. But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey?
Kevin
Some stupid article.
Give it to me. Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson. Of course she has two last names.
Kevin
Does she look familiar to you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts." Imma kill that bitch.
Kevin
This is so unfair. I mean, look around. W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway?
Kevin
I have two daughters. What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?
V got to you, didn't she?
The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment. Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
No one talks to your ass anyway.
Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
You think women like that?
I'm in construction. I can't just change. Doesn't matter if time's up or not. If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell Suck on this." It's just what happens.
Kevin
All right, let's start there. You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
Kevin
Mm, I don't think so. Contains the word "men." I got it. [Snaps fingers] Vaginal enterprises.
Kevin
Maybe we should just stick with "women."
[Laughs] Some women like to be told they're pretty.
Kevin
Mm-hmm.
Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't?
Old women like being hit on. Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
Kevin
Kermit!
Why the hell would we want that?
We need a consistent standard.
All right, here's your standard. Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not-- there's your damn standard.
Kermit; I've never been so confused.
Kevin
The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore. If women stay away, bad for business. Plus, rapey is wrong. A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
I was staying at a motel in Gary, laying asphalt after high school. Invited the front-desk girl to my room for a few beers. We ended up having sex, but she kind of cried through the whole thing. What's that called?
You think she wanted me to stop?
You think she was crying because she was having a good time?
Kevin
Being manipulative and pathetic.
About the only way I ever get sex is being manipulative and pathetic.
Kevin
You ever jack off into a potted plant? Ask for massages wearing an open bathrobe? Hmm? Rape a couple dozen?
Kevin
Then you're probably an Ansari.
Kevin
That's just being a dick.
Slipped a woman a Quaalude once.
Kevin
Then fucked her?
Kevin
A Cosby.
What about that handsy Dr. Rob at the clinic, with the deep body hugs and the butt pats?
Kevin
A Lasseter.
Kevin
Cartoon guy. He made Toy Story.
I love Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear! [Chuckles]
Kevin
CK.
I mean, I slept with a woman I was dating's 19-year-old daughter last year. That got a name?
Kevin
That's a Woody Allen.
W- she made all the first moves, though.
You're gonna need a bigger board for your list, babe.
Kevin
Consent, gentlemen. [Picks up stack of forms] A clear and verbal consent to participate in sexual activity, [Dumps stack on counter] freely given and reversible.
Even if we're both naked and already doing it?
Even if you're already naked and banging. [Door opens] When she says "stop," you stop.
Kevin
That's me.
BBeth
Beth Watson, Southside Beat.
Kevin
Beth, thank you for coming. Can I get you something? Maybe a chilled glass of Chablis or a Cosmo?
Kevin
Should've heard these women's stories. Rapes, beatings- I had no idea. If you had no idea, you've been walking around with blinders on.
Do you know how many times a day a guy touches me inappropriately? Hell, some asshole on the L yesterday stuck his nose in my cooch, said he lost his balance.
Kevin
What?
RRegina
Yeah. A guy pulled my dress off my shoulder at a club Saturday. Licked my nipple. Never seen him before in my life.
I won't get on an escalator if I'm wearing a skirt.
RRegina
I wear a wedding ring everywhere to keep the assholes from bothering me.
All right, we get it. Christ.
I'm sorry. Is this stuff making you boys uncomfortable? Welcome to womanhood.
Shameless · 903 quotes
