KevinV, when I watch with the girls, we don't criticize Ryder and his team. We just laugh and enjoy it.
I've got something else you can enjoy. [Sexually moves on him]
Kevin
See ya, Paw Patrol. [Clicks off TV] Let's work off these donuts. I ate a lot of crullers.
Mm-hmm. [Someone knocks on door] Who is that?
Kevin
Probably a Gallagher. Or a Jehovah. I'll get rid of them. [Opens door] Sister Frances.
SFSister Frances
Good morning.
Kevin
Good mor- please, won't you come in?
SFSister Frances
Good morning. Have a- have a seat. Amy brought this in for show-and-tell today. [Produces a dildo]
Kevin
That's weird. I wonder where she got it from.
SFSister Frances
The children were supposed to bring in something that represents their parents' love for each other. Most brought in hearts or pictures of their siblings. Amy brought this.
Kevin
I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. [Sister Frances attempts to turn it off] It's double-click. [She clicks it twice to turn it off]
SFSister Frances
In order for Amy to return back to school on Monday, Father D'Amico has requested that you come to his office today and speak with him.
Kevin
You're gonna kick her out because of this?
SFSister Frances
We would love to speak with the priest.
Kevin
My wife and I just need to say our morning prayers, and then we'll meet you at the rectory. I can take that- or you can keep it as a parting gift. Thank you, Sister Frances, for coming. [Sees her to door]
FDFather D'Amico
So we have a little sex toy obsession, do we?
Kevin
Obsession?! No, no, I would-- I wouldn't say that at all. It's actually the only sex toy we have, Father.
FDFather D'Amico
Well, I'm sure you would both agree that exposing Amy to this kind of depravity is not in her best interest.
With all due respect, Father, we're not exposing our daughter to any depravity.
FDFather D'Amico
Need I remind you that your daughter brought a massive, veiny, vibrating dildo into preschool? Now, you may be asking yourselves how a pious man like myself could have such carnal knowledge of sexual fetishes and addictions.
Yeah, no, we weren't asking that.
Kevin
I'm actually kind of curious, yeah?
FDFather D'Amico
Well, prior to serving God, I was in the United States Navy. You have no idea what loneliness is until you're trapped out at sea, away from home for months at a time. I was at a low point in my life as our ship pulled into Subic Bay. Little did I know that my life was about to spiral downward. As we disembarked from our ship, my fellow seamen and I were greeted by the warm smiles of the Subic Bay women. Let me tell you, a hug from a Subic Bay woman can take away all your loneliness, especially from one woman, named Ming-hang. Of course, I had to pay for her companionship, but what's a few pesos when you're treated like a king for an hour? Or in my case, a few hours, which turned into days, which turned into weeks, and then, eventually, my going AWOL, and being served a military warrant for my arrest.
FDFather D'Amico
Anyway, at first, Ming-hang and I just talked and made love. Then she introduced me to something called the Hot Carl. Do you know what the Hot Carl is?
Kevin
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
FDFather D'Amico
That quickly led to the Dirty Sanchez, and then the gorilla mask. It got to the point where I couldn't orgasm unless I was doing the Alabama Hot Pocket. Oh, that's when you defecate--
SFSister Frances
Nope, Father. Too far.
Oh, you're gonna stop him now?
FDFather D'Amico
Anyway, the next time you reach for that dildo, or that butt plug, or that ball gag, you remember me, an innocent seaman just trying to serve his country while getting choked out to the point of asphyxiation by a Subic Bay woman named... [Inhales] Ming-hang.
Kevin
Father, our penance.
FDFather D'Amico
Oh, yes, right. Um, say four Hail Marys and six Our Fathers.
Kevin
Thank you.
Evening, my nightcap-swigging brethren. I'll take a Jamie, double-double. Heavy, heavy pour.
Kevin
[Monotone] Rocks or neat?
Well, Jesus, when you say it like that, neither. What's wrong with you?
Since when do you have a lady, Frank?
Well, it's fairly recent, but we're going strong. She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness, so I had to step out, take some me time while she gets her fire danger level from "catastrophic" to "low-moderate," but damn... her blaze is a glorious thing to behold.
Kevin
[Hands drink'] You didn't answer me, so... I made it neat.
[Kevin is at a medical clinic with a practitioner]
Kevin
The twins tortured the Guatemalan refugees, not me. That's why this whole thing is bullshit. Now my wife's like, "We can't bring babies into the world, because if we do, our daughters will kill them." Well, why is that my scrotum's fault, and why can't she just take the pill, like other women Why is it so much worse for her to take a tiny little pill that makes her "crazy" than it is for me to get my testicle lobbed off?
MPMedical practitioner
Your testicle will not be "lobbed off," sir. Only your vas deferens tubes are blocked.
Kevin
Oh, it's bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on vasectomies. Time's up, vasectomies. [Practitioner holds up needle] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?
MPMedical practitioner
Needle. Local anesthesia.
Kevin
Oh, good. Imma need a lot of that. Uh, lots extra, please. I don't want to feel anything from my waist down. [Lifts up medical gown] Agh! Yeah.
Kevin
Ugh, feels like someone kicked me in the balls.
Well, the heat doesn't help. You gotta get some AC in here, man.
Thing's on its last legs, givin' it all she's got.
Kevin
Oh. V, is there a kid kicking me in the nuts right now? 'Cause it feels like there's a child repeatedly kicking me in the balls.
No, baby, just leave ice on it.
Be better in no time, Kev. Hang in there, man.
Yeah, hang in there, buddy.
What's going on with him?
He had a vasectomy, little swelling.
Kevin
Little swelling? My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.
Why didn't V just tie her tubes? Old-school, piece of cake.
Okay, I'm right here. I'll take this one. Do you even know what you're saying? A vasectomy is like this, really, on one ball, and it's already on the outside of your body. My shit is on the inside. They have to cut into my stomach twice, pull my tubes out of my body, rope 'em off, and then put 'em back inside me. I should slap your face.
[To Kevin] You gon' live, baby.
Morning, Sweathogs. Blackout, we got a blackout.
Kevin
No shit, Frank. That's why we're all sitting here in the dark.
Sounds great. I'll take one. What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
Well, congratulations. You apply for unemployment yet? My advice is, do it in person. If you do it online, they'll pretend they never got the application.
Well, welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.
Yeah, I'm fine with it. I mean, fuck them. Being broke sucks, though.
Ah, you get used to it. You just gotta be creative.
[Laughs] That's funny. You know, life is not all sunshine and rainbows for me either, kiddo. Ingrid left me. Took all my children with her. I'm still here. My unborn children. I don't think I'll ever get over it. V, a shit of Jame-o, please.
Kevin
[Lumbering past them] Oh, my God, ow.
[Makes cutting gesture] Vasectomy.
[Reading from phone] A substation blew up. Gonna be at least another hours before the power's back up.
What? God damn it. Oh, we're screwed.
Kevin
I'll be back.
[To Fiona] If you need a little walking-around money, you should hang out with me today.
Because of a little something I like to call "monetizing my neighbors' lack of foresight."
You mean rippin' people off.
Completely legit. No one prepares for blackouts around here, so they rush to the store for ice or batteries or what have you. Too late, everything's sold out. Panic ensues, and where there's panic, there's money to be made. That's where I come in. Frank's Blackout Supply has everything you need.
Really? How's the view from up there, Miss High and Mighty? Last time I checked, we were in the same freakin' bar drinking warm beer together.
Fair point. Do I charge a little more?
Yes. Double. The peace of mind of a candle or fresh batteries, priceless. So you in or out?
Aw, come on. I could use a pretty face. It legitimizes the whole thing.
After I recoup my cost, 20 percent.
Jesus Ch... Who's gouging now?
Fifty percent, final offer.
No one's gonna buy anything from you, Frank. You're Frank.
Deal, 50. [They shake hands]
Gallagher Blackout Supply.
[Serves breakfast plate to Kevin] You want Tabasco?
Kevin
Eight seconds. [Sighs]
It's only been two weeks since the surgery, babe. [Kisses Kevin's head and rubs chest] Give it some time.
Kevin
12-year-olds last longer.
All right, girls, finish up. It's almost time for school.
Kevin
Is this what it's gonna be like from now on? Eight seconds?
You really think we need to be having this conversation in front of the girls?
Kevin
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. That's me now. Mr. Kevin Ball, the "wham, bam" man.
Okay, girls. Dishes in the sink and backpacks. Let's go.
Kevin
I'm so sorry I let them cut you guys. Can you ever forgive me?
You're gonna live, baby. It's one tiny incision. [To Gemma and Amy heading to front door] Wait for Mommy.
Kevin
[Pokes eggs and they run] Oh, God.
There's gotta be someplace else you can keep this thing. It's scaring away the customers.
Kevin
I tried to get it in the house. It just wouldn't fit through the door. V, I think we can make some money renting me out as Jesus.
Kevin
Yeah, for parties and stuff.
Jesus parties? I think that's called church services, Kevin. Like Santas at Christmas, or Elvis impersonators.
Kevin
I could work bachelorette parties, be one of those, uh, birthday strippers.
Kevin
Look at this website. They got all kinds of people looking like celebrities they rent out.
[Comes in door] Hi. [Sits at bar] What is all that about?
The nuns figured out we were sending both of our girls to preschool for the price of one, so Kev has to be Jesus for their parade, only now, Kev wants to be Jesus all the time.
Kevin
Praise the lord!
I thought you were taking some time away from drinking.
May I have a Coke, please?
Well, the zoning went through on the lot that I invested in and Max Whitford bought me out of the partnership.
No shit? How much? [Veronica leans into Fiona]
Right? That is fantastic. So you... what are you gonna do with it, buy a new building?
Oh, hell no. Fool me once.
Well, I quit my job at the gas station...
And now I don't know. I feel like I got a second chance.
And a third, and a fourth.
Kevin
V, I could have different costumes for different occasions. Wedding Jesus. Uh, Last Supper Jesus. Bat Mitzvah Jesus.
Last Supper Jesus? Well, I guess that beats getting nailed to the cross.
Kevin
They didn't use real nails, did they?
Kevin
Don King, right?
Kevin
Who?
Author, orator, escaped slave.
Kevin
Oh, you two studying him in your "being black" class?
Yep, we are up to The Civil War.
Have to cover the Emancipation Proclamation and the defeat of the slave-owning traitor Robert E. Lee at the hands of black soldiers who fought and died to save America for the white man.
Kevin
I always thought Robert E. Lee was some sort of great general. Racist shithead.
But don't he have statues?
Statues all gotta come down.
Kevin
What the hell is that?
We gotta eat what our ancestors ate if we're gonna understand what they sacrificed for us.
Kevin
I'm that guy now, that pathetic old guy that no one guards because he can't make a basket.
You're not old-old, honey, but every athlete slows down a bit. Maybe you just need to change up your game.
Kevin
Has Brady slowed down? No, he just won the Super Bowl last year. Tiger Woods? No. He won the Masters.
Those guys are freaks of nature pampered and coddled by an army of trainers and nutritionists.
Not to mention the performance-enhancing drugs.
Brady doesn't use performance-enhancing drugs.
Look, you can't compare yourself to professional athletes, Kev. Hell, I ran a 5.2 40 in high school, and now I can barely finish a 5K.
[Chuckles] Did you run a 5K?
Well, I didn't say I ran it. There was some walking involved.
It's testosterone. Men lose one percent every year after the age of 30.
You never had any to begin with, so don't worry about it.
Kevin
It's not me. It's my shitty shoes.
Kevin
Yeah, all the players are wearing Kobes and Jordans and LeBrons. [Turns laptop around] This is what I need right here.
Kevin
Impact cushioning and instant responsiveness plus easy entry.
That a shoe or a fat hooker?
Kevin
But, V, my old shoes are fucking up my shitting rhythm.
It's not the shoes, honey. You're just getting old. You just said I wasn't getting old. For $350, you old as shit, Bernie Sanders old, Harry Belafonte old.
Kevin
Well, I'm still buying 'em.
Not with our money, you're not.
Kevin
It's my money too.
We're on a budget, Kev. What do you suggest we skip this month, food or electricity?
Kevin
All right, fine. You don't want to help me reclaim my manhood, that's just fine. Then I'm gonna earn my own money, and I'm gonna buy these shoes.
[Kevin and Veronica are walking past empty location with Kevin stopping to cup hands aside head and peer in]
Kevin
This place is for rent. We should call the number, check it out.
Kevin
Because I need a thing.
Kevin
I need a thing. And it's right next door.
Kevin
[Sighs] Oh, I'm finally comin' to terms with the fact that I'm never gonna play in the NBA.
You were never gonna play in the NBA.
Kevin
Well, not now, V, because I'm retiring from basketball. I would think you'd be a little more compassionate.
We have so many other things to be thankful for.
Kevin
Oh, like what?
You own a bar, you have a hot wife and two beautiful girls.
Kevin
Okay, that is good. But where do I go from here, V? What is the next chapter of my life? Is there even a next chapter? Or is this just... it? Dry cleaner.
Kevin
We could open up a dry cleaner. No. Mattress store.
Kevin
Think tank.
What the hell is a think tank?
Kevin
It's where people sit around and think.
Kevin
Come on, Milo. Push that 60. There you go. Gotta work off that avocado "kumbacha" smoothie or whatever the fսck you drink. Jasper, are you kidding me? Can you go slower? Full rotations, man! Do you want your name under Pussy of the Day? Is that what you want, Jasper?
MMan
Is it safe if I [w:Tesla motors|park my Tesla out front]]?
Kevin
Hell no, it ain't safe, Homer. This is the ghetto, man. Get in here and grab two kegs and give me 30 curls now.
Kevin
The fսck do you think?
Kevin
So? [Man retches in can] Way to go, Oscar. Puke is pride.
AArlo
I wanna join. Uh, you take Amex?
Kevin
"Amex." Cash only! $50 per session up front, plus another $40 for the T-shirt. ATM is right there.
MMan
You're out of spring water.
Kevin
I am? All right. Grab a sledge. Start working the wall. Willem! Get off the damn phone! If I see you on that thing one more time, it's going in the puke barrel. You hear me, fat boy?! Harder, Milo! Come on, man. Get it up.
What do you have them doing over there?
Kevin
Bashin' a hole in the wall to connect the gym to The Alibi.
How long's that gonna take?
Kevin
Ah, with my pasty propeller-heads swinging the hammers, twins'll be grandparents first, but I'm gonna finish the rest myself later.
What the hell are you doing?
Kevin
Making natural spring water. My Keggers love to hydrate.
You don't sterilize the bottles first or anything?
Kevin
No. Fսck those Facebook assholes. They need the germs, strengthen their oat milk-drinking immune systems.
The extra watery shit that sits on top when you make oatmeal.
Kevin
Hey, V, can you get me some more of those $2 black T-shirts from Walmart and cut the sleeves off?
Sure. So this Keg Zone stuff is actually working?
Kevin
I got 20 fully paid Keggers already. Plus, I'm starting an online thing where you can do it at home.
Shameless · 903 quotes
