Kevin[Cell phone buzzes] That's the fifth time she's called this morning.
Kevin
I'm pissed. And I still really don't understand what happened.
Deed, business license, liquor license, bill of sale, all with our signatures on it.
Kevin
That looks just like my handwriting.
Kevin
How does Svetlana own our bar and our girls?
Not our girls, just our bar. She told us we were signing adoption forms but really it was papers making her the owner of The Alibi.
Kevin
So we still own our girls?
Kevin
And she still owns her kid?
Kevin
Who owns the titty van again?
Kevin
So technically, she just owns The Alibi?
Kevin
Fuck her.
[Sighs] Her name is still on our bank accounts. Bitch might be cleaning us out. We gotta close 'em.
Kevin
Can we get her arrested for stealing?
What do we tell the cops when they see our signatures on the forms? That we're idiots?
Kevin
All right, I hate to tell you I told you so 'cause I know you're heartbroken, but this just proves that I was right about her without saying it.
Kevin
I worked at that bar my whole life. So now what? What, Svetlana's our boss? Do we still get paychecks?
The bar checking account is in her name.
Kevin
We need to get her ass down here. I got questions.
Oh, she can keep her lying Russian ass over that bar. I don't want her back in this house.
Kevin
Then we'll go to The Alibi.
I want to stab her fucking heart out
Kevin
Right. I'll go alone.
Kevin
We figured it out. The adoption papers thing? Pretty tricky stuff.
Hmm. And I slept in shit room upstairs like you asked. Now can we be a thrupple again?
Kevin
Uh, pretty sure that's a no since you betrayed us and stole our bar.
It is not betrayal. I am superior manager at Alibi. It should be in my name, not yours. This is not news.
Kevin
Oh, yeah? Then why'd you do it behind our backs?
It's simple. You would try to stop me.
Kevin
Good point. Still shitty.
The way you run bar, we are bankrupt in six months. You are big, lovable poppa, but you are stupid manager. I save us. Now we have money for our family.
Kevin
Well, we want it back. And I'm not stupid.
You didn't know the difference between adoption papers and sales documents.
Kevin
Wordy stuff confuses me, and it's not the same. And taking our bar is way worse than being stupid. It's cunty.
Overdraft charges on many checks, penalties for late taxes, no insurance, distributors overcharging for alcohol? Stupid.
Kevin
V was in love with you. And nobody breaks her heart but me. Except I don't break her heart. So that leaves nobody.
Taking the bar is not about love. You tell V to stay in thrupple, everything is fine. I handle money. Family remains safe.
Kevin
And what if we don't stay in the thrupple?
Eh, this is not better option. And now there's no deed. This is only a copy. I filed paperwork with county clerk and IRS.
Kevin
Damn it.
Kevin
Don't call me that. It's creepy now.
Nothing has to change. You still work for me at Alibi. I still love V. I still fuck you. Do not ruin life for one small thing.
[Veronica is smoking out a very thick blunt]
Kevin
Whoa. Wake and bake?
Saging. I read it'll help get that backstabbing cunt's bad juju out of our house. Is that what you're wearing?
Kevin
It's a machine parts company. You don't wear loafers operating a drill press.
You're applying for a job. You want to make a good impression.
Kevin
Not just any job. A man's job. I let Svetlana...
Don't you even think of saying her name. You know what to call her.
Kevin
I'm sorry. I let that backstabbing cunt take my balls. Well, my nanny days are over. I'm gonna support this family and I'm gonna get my balls back. Here, take a look at this.
Kev, you misspelled "résumé" on your résumé.
Kevin
What about the rest of it?
What rest of it? There's only one line.
Kevin
Well, I only had one job. And I've never written one of these before.
You gotta beef it up. Sometimes people write their goals.
Kevin
You want me to tell them I want to make as much money doing as little work as possible?
We got enough to last us for a while.
Kevin
Hey, did any bartending gigs come up on the alert thingie on your phone?
Yeah, but only at fancy places. You gotta be a certified mixologist.
Kevin
Remember all a bartender had to do was pour a shit and tap a keg? Now you can't even work behind a bar without knowing how to make a :Veronica: Campari-fennel aperitif.
Kevin
Yeah, who puts fennel in their drink? What is fennel?
Uh, I only saw her for a second when they were putting her in the ambulance.
Kevin
She shit herself? People shit themselves when they die. That's why they put diapers on psycho killers before they give 'em the lethal injection.
I touched her when they put her in the ambulance. She was still warm.
Kevin
Could have still been dead. Body only loses a couple degrees of heat an hour after you kick it.
Kevin
Lots of things in the body are still alive. Hair, the skin, the nails, all the bacteria in your guts. And you don't start to swell up for at least a couple of days, and then your eyes pop out, skin falls off, then you explode.
Kevin
What? [Veronica motions eyes to senior woman across waiting room]
CDr. Caughey
Monica your mother?
Yeah. Um, Fiona. Philip and Debbie.
CDr. Caughey
Hi. Your mother came in unresponsive. We made every attempt to revive her but we were unsuccessful.
CDr. Caughey
No, uh, she died from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. A blood vessel in her brain burst.
[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
Where did you get all this stuff?
I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
Everybody, is scrambled all right?
[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
Kevin
Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
We can't just leave her there?
Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
What happened to the Alibi?
Svetlana stole it from them.
Kevin
Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
Kevin
I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
Kevin
That's what I said!
Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
Kevin
Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
Kevin
Who are you?
RRealtor
I am realtor. Hired by owner to sell shit-hole bar.
Kevin
What?
Kevin
She can't do that, can she?
She own, she can. That's it. Enough of this shit. [Grabs Yvegeny and stomps out] Show her nothing, Kev.
Kevin
Do you examine your breasts on a regular basis?
Kevin
I can't believe I'm about to meet my real life family. Didn't know I had any relatives. How am I supposed to greet them? Do we hug? Kiss on the cheek? I don't wanna get it wrong.
All of my family reunions start with my aunts blaming each other for who fucked up the potato salad.
Kevin
Wow, look at all the birds. It's all so green. It's the land of my people.
Looks like one of those movies where the black folks die first.
RRonnie
This is your pa after a fight, God rest his soul. His face is a little bloody after beating Buddy Smith within an inch of his life for calling your grandma a whore. We are true Kentuckians. Stand up for family.
Kevin
Wow. That... that's what I do. I didn't know it was a Kentucky thing.
RRonnie
These are your brothers, Biff and Barry after going deer hunting. I got their first kill right up there on the wall. And that is your Uncle Travis with one of his biggest catfish catches.
Kevin
You use your arm as bait?
TTravis
Used my fist and my arm. Stick it in the hole, catfish chomps down on it, pull him out.
Kevin
Damn. (LAUGHS)
TTravis
Heh, hurts a little bit but it's a hell of a lot of fun.
RRonnie
And that's your sister Bambi. She used to think the camera flash was a poltergeist. [Laughs]
Kevin
And what about my mother?
RRonnie
[Sucks in teeth] She ran off, sweetie. We never heard from her again. About the same time we lost you.
Kevin
Why did you leave me at the gas station?
RRonnie
[Sighs] It was an accident, Barty. Your daddy went to pee and he left you at the double bubble machine because you loved to watch those little gumballs. And... he thought that I grabbed you and I thought that he grabbed you and the car was full of kids and didn't none of us know till we drove ten hours into the next state. You'll see. Tomorrow, when the whole family comes over for the barbecue... You never left our hearts.
[Refers to framed photo above fireplace] Who's this?
TTravis
That's Great Grandpa Colonel Joe Petersman. He was a decorated raider in the Civil War.
[Referring to two African-Americans on either sides of him] Who're the two guys behind him?
RRonnie
Jessup and Harold. Old members of the family.
Kevin
Okay, so let me get this straight. You want to take half the profits, even though you're one person, and you want us to get half, even though we're two people. That's not fair.
You stole our bar. You shouldn't get shit.
Kevin
Honey, we've moved past that.
Not when she crawls up on me like I'm some sort of weak fool. That's not how this works. We each get 1/3. Period. End of story.
Kevin
Agreed. You heard her. This time, we get what we want. Now, I'm gonna go get a bucket of extra crispy and a pile of biscuits for lunch. When I get back, we'll go over all the orders and maintenance and shit. Until then, keep your saddle greased and your guns oiled. [Gets up and walks to front door]
Kevin
Can I get a coffee, two sugars, and a bran muffin, please?
Kevin
[They do hand slaps] Hey, what's up, man? [Has a realisation] Hey, can I ask you something?
Kevin
How did you know you were gay? Were you, like, straight, and then started experimenting and just decided that you liked being gay more?
I... guess I just kinda knew.
Kevin
So you were always positive that you were into dudes more?
I... no, I guess not really. You know when you're younger, everyone tells you that you're supposed to be into girls. So I, I kinda went through this weird phase in fifth grade where I was really into this chick Carrie Yazel, but I'm pretty sure it's just 'cause she was the one who looked most like a dude. It wasn't until...
Kevin
Until what?
Kevin
Yeah. He's hot.
Kevin
Are you attracted to me?
Kevin
Why not? I'm not hot?
Ian, soy latte no foam, extra hot. Two sugars and a muffin. Yours is paid for. The guy at the end of the counter. I gotta run.
Kevin
You buy my muffin?
Kevin
Are you hitting on me?
Kevin
Are you trying to fuck me?
MMMuffin man
N-n-no. No, I j- I just- I, uh- no.
Kevin
'Cause it's not a... It's not a bad thing if you were. I'm not offended. And I'm not saying no.
MMMuffin man
I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Um, once a week, I... I try and do a good deed.
Kevin
So... So you're not hitting on me?
MMMuffin man
No. No. No, no. It was totally random. I really... I hope you're not offended, because, you know, I... I just... You're a good looking dude and everything, I'm just...
Kevin
No, I'm straight, so.
MMMuffin man
Okay. Thanks.
Kevin
Yeah. Sure.
MMMuffin man
Have a nice day.
Kevin
Is that code?
MMMuffin man
For what? No. No, it's not code for anything. It just means "have a nice day."
Kevin
Right. Okay, sorry.
Kevin
[Playful tone] Have a nice day. [Winks at him and walks away]
Kevin
Have you guys ever experimented? Like in chemistry class?
Kevin
No, not a chemistry experiment. But, like, you know... sexually?
Nope. You mean like rolling her over?
Kevin
No. Forget it.
...
Gotta look sharp for my Employee of the Month portrait session. Just another rung up the ladder, boys. Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.
Kevin
I tried, okay? But I'm not even part gay. I'm just a boring hetero dude. So go ahead, you and Svet can have your spasgasms. I'll just be here on the couch, jerking off.
Well, it was brave of you to try.
Kevin
The truth is, I just wanted to make you jealous.
Like I am. You don't have to be jealous, babe. I think Fiona helped me realize what her real power is over me. It's not the vagina.
Kevin
What could be more powerful than a vagina?
It's her bitchiness. It's not women. It's being dominated.
Kevin
Well, great. Maybe I could do that for you.
Kevin
Sure. Why not? What could I do? Just tell me. Give me some ideas. I'll try anything you ask.
Kevin
Just tell me... how to dominate you.
I think you're missing the point, babe.
Kevin
All right, I'll go. I'll be right back and boss you around, okay?
[Kevin is watching BDSM porn on his laptop with his toddler daughters in front of him]
Kev, we're out of toilet paper. Can you get some today?
Kevin
Yeah, sure, no problem.
Kevin
Hey, is this the thing you were talking about, with wanting to be dominated? 'Cause it looks painful. I mean, look at the guy with the pole up his ass. He's sad in his eyes.
You really think you should be watching Triple-X Hardcore with the girls?
Kevin
I have the volume on mute.
I just want to feel a tiny bit controlled. You telling me what to do. You be in charge instead of me being in charge. Is that so hard?
Kevin
No, it's just, you know... We haven't had spicy... salsa since the girls.
Mm, all the more reason to caliente it up.
Kevin
Okay, so what do you want me to do? Buy some props, some leather, or what?
I don't know, Kev. You be in charge.
Kevin
All right, fine. I'll see you later today. Or maybe I won't. I'm being mysterious.
I'm late. [Kisses him] Love you.
Kevin
Oh. Love you.
[Kisses daughters individually] And you. Love you, love you.
Fucking unbelievable! That's what it is.
Kevin
What is, Frank?
This United States of America. I played by the rules. I gave my life, my blood, sweat, and tears to that job. Paid my taxes...
Colored inside the lines. Didn't roll through the stop sign. And where did it get me? Up the ass, that's where. Right up the ole poop shoot. I was moving up in this world. And now? I'm a 50-something adult white male with a couple of years of college and managerial experience, and the only thing available to me is minimum wage! The system is fucked! Give me a shot of Jamie. And leave the bottle. The America we knew has ditched the party and turned the lights out, boys and girls. And left us white guys in the dark to fight each other over the few crumbs left behind by our masters. Am I right?!
AAkram
You think you're having a shit day, pal? I'm being deported next month. Been here 25 years. I was a translator in Iraq during the goddamn Desert Storm. Now they're kicking me out. Because of a fucking speeding ticket. I tried to flee up to Canada, but they stopped me at the border, wouldn't let me in, sent me back.
Wait, you're trying to get out of America?
Jesus, that's a piece of fucking cake.
AAkram
Yeah, maybe for a white guy.
[Extends hand for a handshake] Frank Gallagher.
Akram, my friend. This could be your lucky day.
Burn this into your mind. Ready to take on Svetlana today?
Kevin
Dominance is in my DNA. It was hibernating inside me like a baby bear. But now I'm woke. Mm. Grown and grizzly.
You wanna practice the rules again?
Kevin
I'm a man, V. Men don't practice. We perform.
Svetlana is a professional ballbuster. You gotta come strong.
Kevin
Oh, I'm gonna lay down the law at The Alibi. No more Mr. Nice Guy. There are new rules, there's a new attitude, and... I want to be called "sir." "Sir Kev." No, nah, just... just "sir." Maybe "Sir Ball"?
I want her wearing a uniform. One of those ugly grandma blouse that you tie up to the neck. I'm tired of her flashing her ta-tas all around.
Kevin
From now on, your ta-tas will be the only ta-tas getting flashed. This bacon? It's not crispy enough. Do it again. Dominance. Boom.
Shameless · 903 quotes
