Debbie Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Debs, why aren't you in bed?

Debbie

We need to talk.

What's up?

Debbie

It's about Steve. There are things you don't know about him.

I already know, Debs.

Debbie

You do?

Life's messy and people have secrets. But I don't want you worrying about this kind of stuff, okay? You're still a kid. So just be a kid, okay? The grown-ups around here have got things covered.

Debbie

Really?

Really. Come on.

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[Lip comes downstairs to kitchen heavily bruised] Whoa, what happened to you?

One of my fighters pussied out. I had to fill in.

Looks like the pussy had the right idea. Get some ice on that eye.

Debbie

[She comes downstairs] with a clipboard Good morning. We're out of mac and cheese. I can make PB&Js instead, but I'm gonna need more bread.

...

[Debbie pours herself a cup of coffee and Fiona objects pointing] Whoa, half a cup.

Debbie

Exhausted. Liam had me up half the night banging his head. I need my own room. And I want a pony for Christmas. He's a boy, he should be with the boys.

No way, there's three of us in that room.

Debbie

I'm a girl. I'm gonna be a woman soon. I need privacy to undergo the upcoming traumatic transformation.

It's not that traumatic.

Debbie

How would you know?

Video in 5th grade.

What we talking about?

Moving Liam into our room.

No fucking way.

Debbie

First daycare kid is here. My own room?

It's not gonna happen, Debs. Go, go.

Traumatic transformation?

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[Fiona and Craig are making passionate love]

I had the biggest crush on you in school, Craig.

CCraig

My God, you're beautiful. I love you. Dead people poop themselves. [In Debbie's voice] Dead people poop themselves.

What? [She wakes up with Debbie standing over her]

Debbie

Dead people poop themselves.

Mm, Debs.

Debbie

Harry pooped himself after he died.

Harry?

Debbie

Aunt Ginger's boyfriend.

I'm going back to sleep.

Debbie

He was my first dead person.

Finishing my nice dream now.

Debbie

There are 200 euphemisms for death.

Kicked the bucket. Met his maker. Ate dirt. Six feet under. Pushing daisies.

[Answers phone] Can't a brother get some sleep here?

Debbie

Bit the dust. Bought a pine condo. Went off the twig. Basted the formaldehyde turkey.

Um....

Debbie

Winning one for the reaper. Living impaired. Past his sell-by date. Just add maggots.

Mm....

Debbie

Retroactive abortion.

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CEChicago El man

My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.

What?

CEChicago El man

Like throwing money out the window. You should pick it up.

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

...

I thought it was a joke.

Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.

Veronica

My steak is too rare.

Have this one, King Henry. [They trade plates]

What was the final tally in the purse?

Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.

Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?

Um.... Kim Furtado.

Some rich bitch.

In our neighborhood?

I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.

That guy from your diary?

Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.

Veronica

You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?

It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow. And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation. I read a lot.

Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.

Debbie

In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.

EEthel

I can't wait to die.

Debbie

Why?

EEthel

To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.

Debbie

Oh.

Hey, Fi, you know what you should do?

Ride the L more often?

Here. Found her home number. [Calls phone] Tell her you found her purse. I bet she'll give you a reward. [Hands phone to Fiona]

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Debbie

You okay, Daddy?

Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.

Debbie

I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.

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What are you doing wearing my top?

Debbie

Pheromones. I'm borrowing them.

Pheromones?

Debbie

It's the thing boys like about you.

You mean tits? Think you might be a year or two off.

Debbie

What does Holly Herkimer have that I don't?

Besides HPV?

Debbie

You get to dress up.

It's going back, tomorrow.

Put the top back, no more playing dress up. Hymen stays intact.

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Debbie

Are you looking for the Sunshine Adult Daycare? It's up at the church.

Peg

Honey, only time I wanna go to the church is if I feel like getting molested.

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Debbie

Where's Grammy?

Frank took her to Sheila's late last night. She was having trouble breathing.

The chemicals from the fire were aggravating her emphysema.

Debbie

Will the chemicals give us emphysema?

Probably, but we won't know for 50 years.

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[Frank is smoking drugs with a homeless man watching Steve and Debbie coaching Carl's junior gridiron football with Estefania on the phone]

Walked in on my mother and my sixth-grade teacher having sex once. That'll teach you not to play hooky. My mother's nipples were the size of sand dollars. She was on top, riding him. He's underneath, bucking like a horse who knows it's headed for the glue factory. She didn't even tell me to leave the room.

Debbie

Tell Fiona you're coaching, Jimmy?

Don't you tell her everything for me?

Debbie

Family first. Those of us with only one name find that easy to remember. Haven't told her about this, because I wasn't sure you were going to show up.

You know, I'm just trying to give back to the community, help some disadvantaged kids learn a great American sport.

EEstefania

[In Portuguese] He's said he's coaching football but no one is using their feet.

Yo. When do we get to tackle?

Soon. Take a knee. All right, boys. Football is all about who wants it more. When you tackle, aim low, hit hard! Who thinks they're man enough to take me down? Huh?

Debbie

You don't have pads on.

We're just... we're doing a walk-through. Okay? [Carl tackles Steve to the ground] Clean hit. I like it. [All boys laugh]

Oh... [sighs] I wish I'd had a girl coach. I'd totally tap that.

HMHomeless man

Yeah. I love long hair.

No, no, no. The one with the little brunette pixieish cut. Like a 1963 brunette Mia Farrow. No titties, all ass. Just sit and spin her all night long. Heaven.

HMHomeless man

I- I think that's a dude.

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Debbie

I think I'm depressed. I've been feeling kind of funky lately.

Means you're gonna get your period soon.

Debbie

It does?

Don't wear white for a while.

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[Referring to Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.

Sheila

I think he looks beautiful.

Debbie

What's wrong with him?

He has Down syndrome, Debs.

Yeah, and he's Asian.

Kev

Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

What the fuck, Karen?!

Karen

I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.

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[Gasps] Shit!

What's the matter?

$1,000.

Mm, back to sleep.

I can't breathe.

Maybe it has something to do with the pillow on your face.

I gotta pay the property tax.

All right, come here, come here, come here.

Stop poking me with that thing.

Thought you liked me poking you with this thing.

What was I thinking? [Sighs exasperatedly]

[Fiona is in the shower and he sits on the toilet] Is this about the club thing?

I woke up having a panic attack that I was just like Frank and Monica taking our money, except I wasn't even getting high with it.

You know, you're gonna throw a kick-ass club night. You gotta be entrepreneurial, right? Invest in yourself.

Are you taking a dump right now?

Like clockwork, every morning.

Jesus.

What, I can't take a dump in here?

[Grabs towel] Not in front of me you can't.

You were in the shower.

Yeah, and now I'm out of the shower.

I wouldn't care if you took a dump in front of me.

[Sighs and opens door with Lip, Ian and Carl running frantically in hall] Oh! What's going on?

Frank drunk looking for a bed!

Who the hell let him in?

Debbie!

We begged her not to.

He's not hot-bunking my bed.

Why can't he sleep out on the porch? It's warm enough.

I want my old bed back.

Oh, hell, no!

Debbie

Up. Step, step.

Morning, Frank.

This is my house!

Debbie

It's okay, Daddy. You can sleep in my room.

Wouldn't do it, Debs. He's especially ripe this morning.

Frank smells like dog piss.

Not dog piss! Gary the homeless guy.

Debbie

Come on, Daddy. Sweet dreams, Daddy.

Hey, that's my tent.

Debbie

[Shoves him in chest] I'll hose it off after he wakes up.

Debs, don't let Frank in here anymore.

Debbie

This is his home too. He disappeared for months. And now he's back. [Shoves her way past] Excuse.

...

Debbie

Hey, Daddy. Brought you breakfast. And the newspaper. Good to have you home. Can you help me with my social studies project? It's on the civil war. Gotta build Lincoln's log cabin.

Deb.

Debbie

Hmm?

Too much noise. [Shoves her away] I need peace and quiet. I'm trying to sleep. [Debbie looks at him looking cheated]

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CCheryl

[On Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!

Veronica

What you doing going through my shit, bitch?

Debbie

What's a dildo?

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[Holding Debbie underwater in bathroom tub to practice for swimming] Stay down. Stay down! Stay. Stay.

Debbie

How long was that?

Not long enough. You need at least 90 seconds. City pools are filled with city kids, and by "city kids" I mean black kids who swim. Little stereotype-breakers, like those two kids that ripped your bathing suit last year.

Debbie

They were turning it into a bikini.

If they'll do that when you're just running through the sprinklers at your own house, think what they'll do when they have a large body of water at their disposal. Savage little Cosby kids will drown your ass. Times have changed. Yeah, that's what they said when they were holding me underwater repeatedly in the summer of '67, the so-called summer of love. Not at the Sullivan street pool, it wasn't. It was the summer of drowning whitey. And until you can hold your breath longer than they can hold their breath, you're not going to Sullivan Street.

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BDBoth Debbie and Ashish

ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen...

AAshish

one, two, three... four, five...

Debbie

Ashish, it's not your turn. What number did I get up to?

AAshish

Five! Or thirteen...