Debbie Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Debbie

Daddy!

Frank

Hey. Whoa. You stink like bleach.

Debbie

Yeah, I was at the pool today. I stayed under for 112 seconds.

Frank

Hey, good for you!

Debbie

Yeah.

Frank

Show those syphilis-ridden turbo sluts a thing or two. They think they own the water just 'cause they piss in it.

Debbie

I think I'm gonna puke.

Fiona

Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?

Carl

[Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!

Fiona

Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! [Pause of epiphany] That actually kinda worked!

Lip

You get those from the fireworks stash?!

Fiona

Yeah!

Lip

Go get some more!

Fiona

[Sees figure walking through smoke] Ian?!

Jimmy

[Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--

Fiona

Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.

Jimmy

Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?

Fiona

Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor! Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis! Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool! This yard smells like a sewer! I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me! And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today! Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison! So you wanna talk?! Fine! Grab a shovel! [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it!

Jimmy

You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.

Fiona

Look at us. We are literally digging up a body! How do you even compare our situations?! [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona chuckles] oh, that's great! Walk away! That's a real pussy move! Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?!

The county database says that you're available for placement, But I'm concerned there are too many children in your care. I'm sure there's some kind of limit.

These ain't cats, honey. They're kids. They need someone to take care of them. That's why the good lord put me here. So I can take in all his babies don't nobody else want. [Laughs] Come here, sweetheart. Come on, I'm not gonna bite you. [Laughs] You're a blessing. Mama kamala is truly blessed to have you.

Debbie

Yep. It's only for a few days. I'll be okay.

Um, this is my number. If you have any questions Or, you know, if you just want to talk about anything, you can call me anytime, okay? [Walks to door with Kamala]

Okeydokey. Bye-bye, now. [Closes door and her mood changes] Rule number one; no sitting on the good furniture.

Debbie

This is the good furniture?

Rule number two; no sassing. You hear me? Let me look inside that bag. Give me that bag. Make sure you ain't got nothing in there to get you in trouble. Why are you standing there eyeballing me? Get busy minding them kids.

Debbie

Hi. I'm Debbie.

Laronda.

You ain't getting your bags back.

Debbie

I know.

Daddy!

I missed you, baby.

Debbie

They finally let Maria's dad out of prison, huh?

He'll be back. So will she. Till then, drop the mop. Come on.

Debbie

You want me to do laundry first?

You're going to replace her. [Opens basement door] Downstairs.

Debbie

Downstairs?

You gonna make me push you down? [Debbie walks down stairs to find kids at work in a sweatshop-like operation] Okay, all right, find a seat and get busy.

Debbie, here! Next to me. You can share my Krazy Glue.

Debbie

She forces us to make jewelry?

Oh, no. You don't have to. Not if you aren't hungry. One bracelet gets you a burger. Four earrings, French fries.

Debbie

I don't think this is legal.

Used to be only a couple of us down here, but business took off when Mama Kamala started slapping those "made in Africa" stickers on. Dust gets my allergies going. Yeah, well, the mold and rat droppings can't be helping. I'd take more, but it makes me sleepy.

Idle hands are the devil's work, hmm?

Frank

Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.

Ian

Why is Frank here again?

Fiona

There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.

Carl

Patrick wants to steal our house?

Lip

He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.

Fiona

Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.

Debbie

I'll write them down.

Ian

[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?

Fiona

More like 15.

Debbie

[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.

Lip

We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.

Fiona

Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.

Frank

Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?

Lip

What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.

Debbie

Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.

Jimmy

Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.

Debbie

Yeah, that's three.

Frank

Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.

Debbie

Option four. Kill Patrick.

Frank

It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.

Ian

Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.

Frank

So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.

Fiona

You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?

Lip

Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.

Fiona

All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.

Frank

Well, like hell it is.

Fiona

Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.

Carl

Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?

Fiona

Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

Frank

This is why democracy does not work.

Fiona

Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out for your first day, and you are so not leaving here in that.

Debbie

I borrowed it from Mandy.

Fiona

Clearly.

Debbie

You do realize that I'm in middle school now, right?

Fiona

Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.

Fiona

Mandy, she's 13. She's not working the bedroom at the Mustang Ranch.

Mandy

Yeah, like you never wore a short skirt when you were her age.

Lip

Jeez, Fi, she's just trying to help.

Fiona

Can you take Liam tomorrow?

Veronica

Not sure. Those fruits of Islam people on 4th have a free daycare. If I say I hate whitey, I bet they'll watch him for a few hours. So is Lip getting serious about Mandy "Skankovich"? [Mandy appears behind her]

Mandy

Nice. [Goes up stairs]

Veronica

Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry. You know I would have never said that to your face. Should I apologize or leave? I'm gonna leave.

Debbie

Jackson residence.

Fiona

Debbie, you were just supposed to drop Liam there. Why aren't you at school? Are you sick?

Debbie

Uh, code pink.

Fiona

Monica's home?

Debbie

No, no, no. Code pink at Sheila's. I'll explain later, okay?

Fiona

Fine, explain later. But you're in big trouble.

Sheila

What's a code pink?

Debbie

It's nothing. I was just trying to explain to Fiona Why I'm not at school. It's like a code word we have.

Debbie

Oh, no. What time is it?

Sheila

Are you skipping school because of me?

Debbie

I didn't want to go anyway. All anyone ever does is try to copy off me. But no one wants to sit with me at lunch. Everybody's mean. Middle school's stupid. Mean girls suck.

Sheila

My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.

Debbie

It's not your fault.

Sheila

But I'm her mother.

Debbie

Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?

Debbie

Is it possible that my teeth will spontaneously straighten out on their own?

Fiona

Uh, Jimmy's going back to medical school. We can ask him to help.

Debbie

Occupied!

Carl

Gotta take a piss.

Debbie

Go away.

Fiona

Use the downstairs bathroom.

Carl

It's downstairs.

Fiona

You're young. You'll live. [Carl walks down hallway] No. Absolutely not. No more peeing off the balcony. [Fiona goes outside and a stream goes near her] What the fuck?! Carl! [Waves to woman in her backyard] Good morning, Mrs. Babiak. [Carl comes down stairs] There's a toilet right there. Mrs. Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.

Carl

Mrs. Babiak's got my 18th birthday circled on her calendar.

Fiona

Use the toilet like a human.

Carl

Can I have Lip's old room?

Fiona

No. He's at college. Seriously, cut the shit with the nature whizzing or you won't live here anymore. That pierogi-eating prune will call the cops. And no, you can't have Lip's old room.

Debbie

Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him?

Debbie

Nothing? Not even a call or a text?

Mandy

Sorry. [Mandy's face seems to say "How naive are you? Can't you tell that I want you to go away?]

Debbie

So you want to know how Lip's doing?

Mandy

Not really. [Mandy's face says "I can't possibly care less about that douche]

Debbie

He's in college.

Mandy

[Mandy puts on a forced sarcastic smile] Good for him!

Mickey

This is a bunch of bills, chink delivery menus and press-on-nail coupons. What mailboxes you robbing? Dearborn projects?

No, apartment complex over by Rush. There's an ATM card.

Mickey

Congratulations. It has no fucking pin number. What are you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes every day until they send the pin? [Makes a look of absolute disgust to him]

Mickey

[To Svetlana] Hey, you. This is all you made yesterday?

Svetlana

I give you everything.

Mickey

All $220?

Mickey

How many Johnsons did you squash?

Svetlana

17

Mickey

That's, like, 12 bucks a wank! [To Mandy] Who was at the door?

Mandy

Debbie Gallagher.

Mickey

What'd she want?

Mandy

She was looking for Ian. Seen him?

Mickey

Why do you care?

Mandy

I don't. Said Lip was doing good in college.

Sheila

Oh, wow, I got poked. I got poked. I got poked by the American-Indian that I poked yesterday. What do we do? "We have a lot in common. I am full-blooded Kickapoo Indian. I love laughter, food, scenic views, and the Lord. Let's talk." [Gasps] Now what?

Debbie

Uh, ask him if he's DTF.

Sheila

DTF. What does that even mean? Okay. I got to ask him if he's DTF.

Fiona

Jesus, I'm raising five kids and I didn't miss last week. What's your excuse? [Calls out] Carl!

Holly

Bam, you drop trou and expos-ay some sex-ay.

Debbie

Does this make you cray?

Uhhh...

Debbie

So, yeah, Matty and I spent the whole night like that, spooning.

Holly

You see Billy Fergus? Ellie said he's here.

Debbie

It was really sweet. He made me breakfast.

Holly

Wake me up when you get to the good part. You clean out your cabbage patch with Purell afterwards?

Debbie

What?

Holly

It keeps you from getting knocked up. Gets the little swimmers so drunk, they can't find the egg.

Debbie

Um... No. Well, sex, we didn't have it. Matt said that we should...

I got your frappucino, Holly.

Holly

It better be caramel. Okay, go.

Debbie

Who's that?

Holly

Sam? Seth? Who cares? I tell him what to do, he does it.

Debbie

Why?

Holly

He thinks I'll maybe give him a quickie in the bathroom. He's lucky I let him be seen near me. There's Billy. How do I look?

Debbie

Slutty.

Holly

Thanks.

Debbie

Wait, Holly. Is it bad that Matty said it wasn't the right time?

Holly

He said that? "It's not the right time"?

Debbie

What does it mean?

Holly

I don't know. I've never had a guy say that.

Debbie

What are we going to do for money this summer?

Carl

I plan to bang as many chicks as I can, and get so good at it, they even pay me to do it.

Debbie

Ha! Yeah, right. You're in a wheelchair.

Carl

Chicks dig wheelchairs.

Debbie

I swear to God, if you lose your virginity before I do, I'll stab you to death in your sleep.

Carl

I'm supposed to keep it in my pants till you're 30?

Svetlana

Why you done with public pool? Someone shit in it?

Debbie

No.

Svetlana

Someone shit on you?

Debbie

Sort of. Can you teach me how it all works?

Svetlana

How what works?

Debbie

How you make guys want you, and when they do, what do you actually do? I mean, I've seen porn, but I'm not sure I understand all the technicalities. And you're a professional, so I figure you're the best person to ask. And please don't accuse me of being retarded or a child, because I'm neither