CarlIt's our crib
Carl
Who says?
Carl
They can't just take it from us.
I don't have time to explain foreclosure law to you.
Carl
Those are the stairs where I broke my arm for the first time.
Yeah, and the second. Oh, and the fifth.
Carl
That table is where Liam was born.
There's nothing we can do.
Can you keep it down in there? Copper pipes aren't gonna take out themselves. While Rome burns, you eat waffles.
You gonna tear apart the place piece by piece?
Scorched earth. The preferred method of defeated generals who refused to allow their conquerors the satisfaction.
Carl
Of taking a dump?
Copper's two bucks a pound.
Look, we don't have the luxury to sit around and get weepy. We need a place to live.
Carl
Let's see them try to get Nick and I out. We'll take positions up at the upstairs windows with M16s.
Carl
Throw Liam at the bottom of the stairs with some grenades. [To Liam who nods] Think you can pull a pin and throw it? Strap Chuckie up with some explosives and throw him off the roof.
Do any of that and they'll try you as an adult. That's big boy prison. Look, the house is gone. It's over. We need to move on.
This is all cause of the mud people. [Points to Nick]
That's what my friends in juvie said. [Frank laughs] What? What did I say?
Chuckie, if you want to stay alive, shut up and go to school.
Carl
Where's Lip at? He'd back me up on this.
I told him we didn't need him. He needs to focus on school.
[Frank pulls out a circuit breaker causing the electricity to go out] Whoo. If I go along with getting a new crib, it better be sick.
We can't pay any more than we already were. We were barely making ends meet as it was.
Carl
Why you acting like we ain't got no lettuce?
Carl
The Benjamins. Cash. Money. Say the word, and I'll make it rain up in here.
I told you, I'm not taking your dirty money.
It must be wonderful living in your little fantasy world where unicorns slide down magical rainbows and everybody on the South Side gets by on the up and up. What do you think this neighborhood runs on? It ain't donuts. Without heroes like Carl here driving our shadow economy, we would've gone the way of the dodo years ago. Hey, can I, um, can I get a relocation advance? [Carl gives Frank a dollar bill] Thank you.
[A couple walks in front door with two daughters] Yo! What the hell?!
MMan
I didn't realize the house was still occupied.
Oh, shit. You're the new owners.
Tribe! Breakfast! [Gallagher kids come filing in] Good morning. Morning.
We eat in the dining room like civilized people.
Since Queenie. Have a seat. Let's get you your flaxseed oil pills. [To Ian] Good for the heart. [To Liam] Mmm. Good for the hair, [TO Chuckie] your colon, [To Frank's place] Daddy, [To Carl] prostate, yeah, [To Debbie] and your baby.
[Sets down pans] Quinoa pancakes and yucca fries.
What the hell is a quinoa?
Carl
[Gets up] Yeah, I'm just gonna go to Mickey D's.
[Gets up] I'm gonna study at my boyfriend's.
[Gets up] Carl, can you give me a ride to the baby store?
[Pounds table] Come back now. Look, your father went to great lengths to prepare this breakfast for you with love. So you're gonna sit your little asses down and enjoy it. [Tussling Frank's hair] Need to have a little more respect for this man right here.
[Sings] Help me, I think I'm falling [Frank joins in] In love again [To Debbie and Carl] Join us.
QFQueenie and Frank
When I get that crazy feeling, I know I'm in trouble again
Carl
I don't want to know the words.
Fake it. [Sings] I'm in trouble, 'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler, and a sweet-talking ladies' man...
[Frank answers door to Lamar still singing]
LLamar
Lamar. Is Carl here?
He's enjoying breakfast with his family. Come back some other time?
Carl
I got it, Frank.
[Sings] I've seen some hard, hard cases come down to smoke and ash...
LLamar
Haven't checked in lately, white boy. Where the fuck you been at?
Carl
Been here and there. G-Dogg got a shipment coming through tomorrow. Need you to run it. I think Imma sit this one out.
LLamar
Sit this one out? [Scoffs] You a comedian?
Carl
No. [Lamar pistol whips Carl on the forehead who falls down]
LLamar
[To Carl with a bleeding forehead] You think you can just tag in and out like a little girl playing Chinese jump rope? You in this game for life, fuck, so get your ass to the spot tomorrow morning.
[Frank and Queenie are making love with Frank on top]
Your queen doth love what you do with your scepter, King Frank. [both laugh]
Oh, God. Your king... is about to blow his load into your moat, my queen. [both laugh]
One thing before you do, my regal stallion.
Huh? Pray tell, my love. Huh? What? [Queenie flips over with Frank] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Laughs] Oh, yeah. We're almost out of shillings
Oh, you tell me that now?
Well, I'm gonna have to go back to the commune and get more organic produce and sell it.
[Repeatedly] I'll get money. [Flips Queenie over with him back on top]
Proceed with your manly duties, my lord Yes. Oh, fuck me.
[Carl is outside bedroom door and puts hoodie over ears] I'm coming my brains out.
Carl
Frank, I need to talk to you.
[Gets up to leave] I will leave the king and the prince to do their business.
Carl
It smells gross in here.
That, my son, is the beautiful stench of animal, lust, and earth. I'm glad you came by.
[Administering stitches to Carl] So you gonna tell me what happened?
Carl
No.
Carl
You'll tell Fiona.
What's wrong with me telling her?
Carl
She freaks out about everything.
What if I promise not to say anything to her?
Carl
Why do you want to know anyway?
Because you've been running your ass around here like a black Scarface, and I care about you, okay?
Carl
Just got hit, that's all.
Carl
Guy I know.
Carl
'Cause I don't want to work with him anymore.
And he clocked you for that?
Carl
Mm-hmm.
Get out of that shit you're involved in, you hear me? Now.
Carl
I got it handled.
Hey, bean. Cinnamon waffles?
Carl
We have an iron?
Mm-hmm. Uh, you need me to iron a shirt for you?
Carl
I got it. Ironing board? [Fiona points to iron board on stairs and Carl brings it down]
[Carl is trying to figure out how to unfold it] It's the little lever thing. [Carl unfolds in one motion and sets it down] Shh. Gah, baby's sleeping. Debs was up with her all night. And I really don't mind doing it.
Carl
No, it's fine. I have to learn to do it for myself, right? Do my part.
Carl
Aftershave. Good for razor burn. Is there any wedding stuff going on tonight?
Uh, nope. You're in the clear till tomorrow. Why?
Carl
Gonna watch the DePaul game with Luther tonight.
Carl
Dominique's dad.
Girlfriend's father, huh? Sounds like it's getting serious.
Carl
Definitely.
You get really serious, you know to use protection, right? Condoms? No matter what. We don't need any more accidents around here.
[Comes down stairs] Huh, oh, you mean accidents like Franny.
No, I left her up there screaming, hungry, wallowing in a dirty diaper to suffer.
Carl
[Kicks Frank lying on kitchen floor] Hey. Why aren't I circumcised?
Carl
Now I have to get it done.
[Groans] Why the hell would you want to do that?
Carl
'Cause of my girl.
It's better not to be circumcised. More feeling in the old puppy when you don't get its tail bobbed. Self-lubricating too. Hey. Be a champ. Go get my wheelchair in the yard.
Carl
You circumcised?
I am. I didn't have much say in the matter. I was only hours old when they cut into my manhood.
Carl
It hurt?
I cried like a baby. Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
Carl
No.
Carl
We were kind of hoping you were dead.
Yeah, Domino's guy said it was already paid for, so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
Right place. I put it on my credit card.
It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit. Frank's alive?
[Grunts] Will somebody... anybody... please get my fucking wheelchair?!
Six new onesies, three new pairs of shoes, and a Diaper Genie. Got a little something special for Mommy too.
Hey, anybody know who she belongs to? I found her outside.
Jolayemi? Hi, I'm Debbie.
Who the hell is Jolayemi?
Jolayemi stays up with Franny so I can have a good night's sleep and be refreshed in the morning.
Mm, where'd you get the money for a night nurse?
I started an online business.
[Fiona hears thumping upstairs]
Carl
Probably Frank.
Frank's back? Since when?
Carl
Claims he was in a coma.
Uh, yes. Franny. Francis. She's a joy, but not a great sleeper.
JJolayemi
Does she sleep in your bed?
Sometimes, you know? I'm really careful.
[Fiona starts dragging Frank down stairs] Stop... stop it! I did you a fucking favor getting rid of that junkie!
I keep a pillow between us so that I don't smother her or anything.
It's much easier when I'm really tired to have Franny in bed with me so that I just can just roll over and feed her.
At the hands of that lying junkie! Stop it! No! [Fiona drag Frank to front door and he grabs onto wall corner and then loses grip] Stop! Fuck! I am a truth-teller! But you're too weak to... [Fiona sends Frank rolling down steps] ...aah!
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
Carl
He's bi?
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Carl
So you guys broke up?
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
Carl
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
Carl
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Carl
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
Carl
A blowie from Dominique.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
Carl
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
SDr. Sachs
You burst your stitches again?
Carl
What the hell did you do to me?
PPatient
Excuse me, but he has his finger up my ass.
SDr. Sachs
Take a seat in the waiting room. I'll be with you in a minute.
Carl
The gonorrhea?!
Carl
You gave me gonorrhea!
SDr. Sachs
Jesus. I didn't give him gonorrhea. I gave him a circumcision.
PPatient
He's a little old for that, isn't he?!
SDr. Sachs
That's what I said!
Carl
All right. I've seen TV. I know how you can get infections from these surgeries.
SDr. Sachs
Why do you think you have gonorrhea? You have swollen glands? A discharge?
Carl
No, but my girlfriend has it, and her dad wants to kill me, and the dude's a cop!
SDr. Sachs
Okay. First things first. Let's run a test. Hop up on the table. [Holds up a swabber with Carl opening his mouth]That's not the hole it goes in. Whenever you consider not using a condom, remember this pain.
Carl
Aah!
Carl
Hi.
DDominique
What the hell are you doing here?
Carl
Nothing.
DDominique
Well, you got me grounded for a month, so...
Carl
Where's your dad? Morning, Sergeant. Ready to hit the shooting range?
DDominique
Okay. What's going on?
You've been texting that college boy all week. Think I didn't notice?
DDominique
He has playoffs this week. He's anxious.
I don't care if he's starting point guard for the Bulls in the NBA Finals. I told you to cut it. But since I have a daughter who doesn't respect my wishes, she gets a father who doesn't respect hers. Let's go, son.
DDominique
"Son"? [Slams front door]
Carl
I couldn't find anything about hell week online. They kept it secret. This one dude on Facebook posted that it was the worst week of his life.
They just run you till you puke.
Carl
What about hazing? At the Citadel, they put a helmet in a pillowcase and hit you over and over. Or they brand you with a red-hot hanger like a cow. That shit's permanent.
Smells bad, but it heals fast. Toughen you up. Make a man out of you. [Dominique arrives]
DDominique
Hi. Bye, Dad. [Luther closes door] You look good.
...
DDominique
[Standing by fence with Carl] Why the hell are you going to my dad's military school?
Carl
I guess I want to be like him.
DDominique
You want to be an overweight cop sitting in a car for ten hours getting shit thrown at him? And I don't mean sh*t like "stuff." I mean shit like... human shit. Are you leaving 'cause of me?
Carl
No.
DDominique
'Cause I feel bad about how everything went down.
Carl
You mean f*cking another dude?
DDominique
You didn't deserve that. I'll miss you.
[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
Where did you get all this stuff?
Carl
I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
Carl
You have a car?
Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
Carl
Everybody, is scrambled all right?
[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
We can't just leave her there?
Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
Carl
Hey, I'll go.
Carl
Yeah, sure.
I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
Carl
What happened to the Alibi?
Svetlana stole it from them.
Carl
How do you steal a bar?
Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
Shameless · 903 quotes
