Carl Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Frank

[Appears in family room] Monica's dead.

Debbie

I know, we were there.

Frank

[Sits on couch] What's with the outfit?

Carl

School.

Frank

Is that Monica's stuff?

Carl

Yeah.

Frank

You're going through her stuff? What the hell is this? [Picks up key off coffee table]

Carl

Some key to an old apartment.

Frank

36 and Racine. That's that storage place. 36th and Racine. The shitty one that they stuck in the old Buick dealership.

Debbie

Monica had a storage unit?

Frank

This is it.

Debbie

Why don't we just use the front door, Frank?

Frank

Too many cameras out there. There's only one camera over the gate here. The 2884 on the key must be the code to open the gate.

Debbie

What the hell is going on, Frank?

Frank

Your mother told me she had something valuable for you kids but that it might be dangerous to try to retrieve it.

Debbie

Well, how dangerous?

Frank

Hard to say.

Debbie

On a scale of one to ten?

Frank

Said the DEA could be involved.

Carl

The Drug Enforcement Agency?

Frank

Come on.

Carl

Oh, fuck.

Frank

Debs, how old are you?

Debbie

16.

Frank

Too risky, the Feds could prosecute you as an adult. Carl?

Carl

15.

Frank

Really? You seem younger. Liam, you know your numbers?

Debbie

You're gonna send Liam?

Frank

Oh, he won't do serious time if shit goes down. Come here. Looky here. You see that little black box? It's got numbers on it, just like on a telephone. Go punch in 2884. What're you looking at them for? Go. It's okay. Go, go, go.

Frank

[Whispers] Get back. It may be booby-trapped.

Debbie

Jesus, was she living here?

Carl

If she was, she was living here with a dude.

Frank

Holy shit.

Debbie

What?

Frank

[Picks up sewing box and opens it to reveal several bags of meth] Your inheritance.

Ian

[Enters kitchen] Smells good. I like Corporal Carl in the kitchen.

Lip

Doesn't taste half bad, either.

Ian

[Referring to Lip's plate portion] Eating for two? A boy or a girl, huh? [Rubs Lip's belly]

Lip

I'm just trying to fight the urge to drink with extreme nausea.

Ian

Sounds healthy.

Carl

Hey, I could try to move your meth today.

Ian

About time. I'll go get it.

Carl

Hey, it's not like there's an eBay for this. Shit takes time.

Frank

Yo, yo, yo. What up, homeboys? Lip, you're 21, right?

Lip

I'm 23, but that's fine.

Frank

You're in the ballpark.

Lip

Why?

Frank

What would another 21-year-old wear to a- a job interview?

Lip

Well, a fucking 52-year-old who was in a delusional crack haze thinking he was 21 would wear the green shirt that doesn't belong to him.

Frank

I was gonna pick the same one. Young minds think alike.

Carl

You got a job interview?

Lip

What, are you looking to collect disability again, Frank?

Frank

That was the old Frank. This Frank is different. I wish you kids could've known me before Monica coiled her body around my neck, choked to death the man I was meant to be. You're about to witness the rebirth of a proactive member of society.

Lip

Jesus.

Lip

[Ian takes bag of meth from Lip] Hey, just-- just give that back a sec. What the fuck's with you?

Ian

It's the last thing she left us. Once it's gone, so is she.

Lip

It's crystal meth. What, are you getting sentimental?

Ian

Eh, just kinda hit me. I don't know.

Carl

Jesus.

Ian

[Carl takes bag from Ian] Hey!

Carl

For that, I'm taking a bigger percentage. A dipshit cut.

Ian

[Shoves middle finger against Carl's face] Gotta get to work. [Goes out door]

Debbie

[Arrives at Neil's place to find him with Lakisha] Hey, guys. Came home early to spend some quality time.

Neil

Um. It's over, Debbie. I'm in love with my nurse and you're a horrible person. No offense.

Debbie

"No offense"?!

You know he can't edit his thoughts.

Neil

You don't love me, and Lakisha does. She helped me discover... my prostate. And my nipples, and my other erogenous zones, and you were just using me for my money... which is mean.

Debbie

[Answers phone] What, Carl?

Carl

Come home right now. Emergency family meeting. Don't tell Fiona.

Lip

[Comes in] Monica's ex found us?

Carl

Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub. Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us. You got any money left?

Lip

Uh, no. Only a couple hundred. I had to pay off some debts. Debs?

Ian

Doesn't have any.

Debbie

Spent it all on equipment and welding school. I'm broke.

Ian

Liam?

Liam

Yeah?

Ian

You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth?

Liam

No.

Lip

We have to ask her.

No.

Ian

Hell no.

Lip

Well, has somebody got a better idea? Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money?

Ian

Hey, Debs, how about Neil?

Debbie

He literally just broke up with me. He said I'm a horrible person.

Frank

[Comes in holding something furry] Evening, family.

Debbie

Jesus, Frank!

Ian

Whoa.

Debbie

Is that a squirrel?

Carl

What the hell is that?

Frank

Roadkill, I'm afraid. I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.

Lip

Jesus.

Frank

Indeed.

Lip

Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.

Frank

Of course. [Hands over cash wad]

Lip

Thanks. Seven fucking dollars?

Ian

We could rob where you work. Know where they keep the safe?

Frank

Absolutely not.

Carl

You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.

Frank

Monica. Not me. And it's Francis now. I no longer resonate with a hard K.

Ian

[Sighs] Oh, fuck it.

Lip

Let's talk to Fiona.

Debbie

Yep.

Ian

If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.

Carl

The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.

Debbie

You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful if you could just tell us... tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.

Ian

Is this the part where you lecture us? 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that...

Fiona

You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this... how hard you tried not to have to come to me. Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit... one simple truth. Which is that I was right. When I told you that keeping the meth... was a bad idea...

Lip

Mm-hmm.

Fiona

[Whispers] ...I was right. When I begged you not to take it... I was right. When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was... super fucking right.

Ian

Well...

Fiona

I am the one who saw to your survival...

Fiona

...since you were babies. I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact. So, I want you to remember this moment. So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe... just... maybe you will fucking listen!

Debbie

Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona?

Fiona

I am, Debs. I am. Right after every single one of you says... "you were right."

Fiona

"And I was wrong, Fiona."

Carl

Are you serious?

Fiona

[Laughs] Yeah.

Sweet Jesus. What is that smell? Ugh, God.

Carl

I... I have my hot tub. It's worth, like, four K. It's, like, 33,000 in all.

That's not enough. You still owe me 37 grand!

Frank

Stop, stop. Let me handle this, please. Eric, is it? You were Monica's partner, I take it? Which means half of the drugs belonged to her, and we have done all we can to pay you back for your half. That smell? That reek, Eric? That stench that's filling your nostrils? That's Monica. Dead, rotting, beautiful, tortured, magnificent, ridiculous, worm-infested Monica. She died. We watched her die. And then we put her in the ground. We buried some drugs with her, but that's neither here nor there. And then we dug her up. But two bags of meth... plus nine grand and a hot tub? That's all we've got. That's it. And now she's six feet under again. And if you come near my family, Eric, as God as my witness, I will bury you with her. Are we clear?

Yeah. We're clear.

You guys live up the street, right?

Carl

Depends on who's asking.

I'm Lula, I run the neighborhood watch program.

Ian

The neighborhood what?

Several houses in the area have been broken into. We're asking everyone to stay alert. They took Miss Fenderson's ventilation machine two nights ago and last night was Mr. Wilson across the street.

Carl

The Desert Storm guy?

They took his Purple Heart and Silver Star from his mantle and his TV.

Carl

Messing with a veteran is a serious violation of everything we hold dear as Americans. What intel do you have of the perpetrators?

Ian

He means we'll take a flyer [Takes a flyer] and keep an eye out.

Uh...

Ian

Thank you. [To Carl] Hey. [They continue jogging]

Carl

Violating a veteran of the Armed Forces requires an immediate show of counterinsurgency. Shock and awe for those bitches.

Ian

[Hands Lip a flyer] Don't ask.

Lip

Fuck's a neighborhood watch?

Carl

A club of George Zimmerman-type of pussies who aren't trained for military action.

Ian

Oh, I think it's a group version of not minding your own business.

Liam

Fiona's gonna be pissy.

Lip

Why, what'd you do?

Liam

Let Sean in.

Ian

What? Sean? Sean?! He was here?!

Liam

Yep, then he left.

Lip

Fiona's gonna kill him.

Frank

Sun salutations, fruits of my loins. Am I hearing correctly? The Sean has returned?

Liam

Yep.

Frank

This is a test of our family's spiritual growth. I forgive him and wish him peace on his journey.

Lip

How much longer are we gonna be putting up with St. Francis of the Southside?

Frank

Permanent life change is a daily practice, Lip. I've just entered my symbolic 30s and they require a new sense of maturity.

Ian

What happened to your symbolic 20s?

Frank

We grow up fast in the age of enlightenment.

Lip

That's great, so Frank's in his early 30s and I'm back in puberty. I'm getting a boner every morning and having to whack off.

Ian

You're not getting laid?

Lip

No, it's part of the rules of sobriety. You know, I'm supposed to stay away from relationships... for a while.

Frank

Ooh, beware of rules, son. Real change happens when you reset your internal clock.

Lip

Thanks for the fatherly advice.

Frank

Your 30s are all about becoming a stand-up man. And learning to embrace fatherhood.

Ian

Too bad you're out of kids to screw up.

Frank

That's so not true. I've still got Liam. He's the only Gallagher who hasn't been ruined by that whirlwind known as Monica. And I'm going to parent him the way I should've been parenting all along, right, son? Let's get you to school on time. The first step in good parenting... Punctuality. Let's go.

[His foot is caught in bear trap in backyard] Ow! Oh, what the fuck?!

Carl

[Rushes out back door] Oh, shit! I got him!

[Groans] Uh, ow! Oh! Oh! What the fuck?! Aah!

Carl

I see you found the little copper treat I left you.

Who are you?!

Carl

I'm your worst fuckin' nightmare!

Ahh!

Carl

[Opens door and JJ bursts in with unconscious girlfriend] Who the hell is this?!

This is my girlfriend, all right? [Lays girlfriend on couch] I was at Betty Ford three times. It didn't work for me, cost a fortune. You cleaned me up in five days. Here. That's cash, from my parents. It's five grand, plus, Nora-Jean's folks are gonna give you $2,500 for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.

Lip

That's his truck.

Carl

The hell is that sticking out of the truck?

I think it's Michael Jordan's arm.

Lip

United Center? [Opens door to find truck cab stuffed with pastries] You got to be fucking kidding me. Apparently he looted a bakery.

Carl

Okay. Shit's now getting dark. What are we gonna find next, a body? Why do you even care about this dude? He's a psycho.

Lip

Done worse. It's extensions, see?

Carl

So? What does that even mean?

Lip

It's like a goddamn puzzle. It means he's a drunk. Come on, help me get the arm.

Carl

Why?

Lip

'Cause if Bulls fans find it in Brad's truck, they're gonna skin him alive. Come on.

Carl

What the hell are you gonna do with it? It weighs like 1,000 pounds.

Lip

Yeah, I know.

Fiona

What the fuck?!

Ian

Morning.

Fiona

No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...

Fiona

[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!

Debbie

Think we should do something?

Carl

She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Debbie

He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?

Carl

He does.

Debbie

So we shouldn't do anything?

Frank

Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.

Debbie

Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.

Frank

No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.

Debbie

Wait. You got fired?

Frank

I did not get fired.

Liam

Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?

Carl

Permission granted.

Debbie

Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.

Carl

I still need $3,527 for tuition.

Frank

Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.

Brad

[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.

Frank

Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.

Debbie

Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.

Frank

No luck needed, Debs.

Brad

[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!

Debbie

Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!

Brad

God