FionaHey. Just back for a shower and a quick change of clothes. Jesus. What happened to your toes?
Fiona
He what?!
It's no big deal. I asked him to. You get rid of the squatters yet?
Fiona
No. Ford and Nessa are watching the building while I go to a lawyer thing.
Burn 'em out. It's the oldest trick in the slumlord's handbook, arson. You set a good blaze, they got two choices, run out of the building screaming or burn to death, and you get to the collect the insurance. Has anyone seen my other boot?
Fiona
I'm not gonna burn my building down, Frank.
Why not? Being a landlord sucks. Tenants who won't pay their rent, toilets clogged with... massive after Thanksgiving turds... there it is. You need to get in touch with Pyro Paulie.
Fiona
Who?
Paulie Paterniski. Best firebug on the South Side. I think he works at the Handy Mart now. Don't let his looks scare you. He had a trigger fuse on a bucket of jet fuel go sideways on him. The doctors used skin from his ass to rebuild his face. Ah... Fucking A, this one's to the workingman...
Well. I spoke to the Latham's attorney. That guy is a real piece of work. I think your roofer found his name on the back of a bus bench. But they are prepared to settle.
Fiona
Really?
For $3 million. They offered to remove you from the suit and pursue litigation solely with your insurance company if you're prepared to make a few concessions.
Fiona
Like what?
Sign the title of the building over to them.
Fiona
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
And they want... "Sparkles." They want Sparkles back.
Fiona
My dog, Rusty? They want my fucking dog?
They said their kids got very attached and they're, quote, "crying themselves to sleep," endquote, ever since you stole him.
Fiona
I stole him? They stole him from me! They're motherfuckers! Tell them to get their own goddamn dog.
There's another option. You sell the building... now, before it goes to trial... And spend the money. Go to Vegas. Take a trip around the world. And then just declare bankruptcy.
Fiona
Bankruptcy?!
Yeah. It's better than letting them take everything you own.
[Ian and Fiona are talking via visitation phones at the prison]
Fiona
I'm close to getting the bail money. The court just did an appraisal on my building.
Fiona
Tomorrow, maybe.
I- I need a few more days. There's oppression everywhere in here.
Fiona
W- what are you talking about? I'm busting my ass to get you out of this shit hole.
My work here is not done. I-I'm saving the submissives from their sexual oppressors.
Fiona
And I'm getting you a $50,000 gift of freedom.
Look, I organized a strike against the gangbangers who terrorize the gay and trans inmates. They take out their feelings of... inadequacy and repressed homosexuality on us queers, and they practice really bad sexual hygiene.
Fiona
A- are they giving you your meds in there?
I-I'm protecting defenseless lambs from having their emotional and physical spirits slaughtered, Fiona.
Fiona
I always fantasized about having enough money to stock up on toilet paper.
Fiona
Hey, when I was a kid, we had to use whatever we could find. Christmas napkins, paperbacks, coffee filters.
Fiona
No. Got boxes to unpack. I've got a bathroom to clean. I clean it every week.
It's not that dirty, is it? Ever look behind the toilet?
Fiona
No, and I never plan on doing so.
Fiona
Come back tomorrow with an "I Voted" sticker, and you get free nachos.
TTyesha
You're going to hell.
Fiona
It's the way of the world, Tyesha. Every vote can be bought. Some votes are just cheaper than others.
TTyesha
You don't think giving away nachos for the Hispanic guy is maybe a tiny bit racist?
Fiona
Ruiz is from Puerto Rico. Nachos are from Mexico. Hey, Jorge. You registered to vote?
Fiona
You want to come in a little later tomorrow, have time to get your family and friends to the polls for Ruiz?
JJorge
I'm not voting for Ruiz.
TTyesha
Hey. Some handsome Irish dude out here waiting for you.
Fiona
Hi.
Fiona
Is it 5:00 already?
Fiona
Okay, uh, we'll hit Pilsen. Then we'll go over to Logan Square.
[Sighs] The son of an Irish socialist helping a capitalist convince the immigrant masses to vote against their own interests. James Connolly would be spinning in his grave.
Fiona
Who?
[before flashback scenes] No, absolutely not. We're not gonna be showing you a recap of last week because you were too busy. Get the hell out of here. All right, all right, stop your whining. Fine, here you go.
Fiona
How do you listen to this crap?
This is indie folk country.
Fiona
It's like if a bad hipster band smacked into a truck of cows.
Well, switch it if you want.
Fiona
[Tooling on a tablet] Isn't your code your birthday?
Put it in the American why or the right way?
There. Irish, even. Little on the nose.
Fiona
What, like your accent?
You know, U2 is the band most made love to in all of Ireland.
Fiona
Oh, well, you're in America now, bitch.
Fiona
Hey, Max. You got a second?
Yeah, what's up? Late for a thing.
Fiona
I need to get out of our deal.
Fiona
Another opportunity came up, and I'm short on cash.
What other opportunity? Is it something I want to invest in?
Fiona
I'm not allowed to say, but I gotta act fast.
Are you kidding me? You bullied your way onto my project, and I can't get in on yours?
Fiona
I'm sorry. My hands are tied. So how can I get my money out of the Sunset Brook project?
You can't. I mean, it's been invested. And the paperwork's already been filed on the partnership, so... Well, I wasn't expecting a 12-month delay on the senior center.
Fiona
None of us were.
So what's the other thing? You getting a better return? Is that, uh-- is that why you want to bail?
Fiona
Something like that.
Jesus. You know, I thought we had a good business thing going here. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. See how you are, Gallagher. [Softly laughs] All right, don't forget my 25K. [He drives away and Fiona mouths; "fuck"]
JJamal
Here you go. RAV, right?
Fiona
Oh, my God.
Fiona
Oh, my God.
Insurance will cover a hit-and-run. Y-you have insurance, right?
Fiona
[Laughs Dryly]
Did you call the police? Did you file an accident report? You gotta find whoever did this, Fiona.
Fiona
I did it.
Fiona
I did this. I was... drunk, and I didn't call the police 'cause I was drunk.
You were driving drunk? The hell is going on with you?
Fiona
It's adult shit, okay?
Fuck that. I'm not a kid. I have a kid.
Fiona
All right, fine. Uh... The zoning fell through on my old-age home yesterday, which means I got Max Whitford stalking me for $25K, or else I lose my entire $100K investment, which fucks me, 'cause... without an immediate profit off that, I actually cannot afford my first and second mortgages on my apartment building, and that means I'm gonna have to sell my building. Also, it turns out that Ford's married. Yeah. I found that out right before I totaled this car, which is gonna cost thousands to fix. So that on top of the $1,800, that... I just spent at the ER and the $500 that this tow place just charged me means I'm so far up shit's creek, I don't even have lunch money. (As she starts crying) And I'm such a fucking piece of shit that I forgot my own brother was going to prison.
So, what you're saying is, you've had a shitty couple days.
Fiona
(tearful laughter) Yeah, I know, right?
It's gonna be okay, Fiona. It's gonna be okay.
Fiona
(sniffles) Yeah? You got a spare... $25K lying around?
No. But I got a friend who might be able to help us out with the car, at least.
What the hell, Gallagher? Is your phone broken? Holy shit. What happened to your face?
Fiona
I'm fine. Just a little hit-and-run.
[Laughs] God, that looks... terrible. Like, my brain is rejecting that an otherwise very hot girl can look this bad. Anyway, I'm late for my spin class, and your PayPal didn't come through, girl. Yeah, I... tacky to make me come find you. Selling this place?
Fiona
Yeah, sorry. I've just been swamped, and I was in the hospital most of the day yesterday...
Totally get it. No bigs. Just PayPal me right now. I'm @maxwhitfordsaysyas. Y-A-S. Do you not have the app?
Fiona
I don't have the $25K.
You don't have $25K? Who doesn't have $25K?
Fiona
Me?
All right, so borrow it against your portfolio. Call your guy.
Fiona
I don't have a guy, Max, and I got rejected for a loan. I got nothing.
What about your other properties and investments? Anything liquid you can unload? Oh. Oh, you overleveraged? You told everybody you could swim, and now you're drowning?
Fiona
Yeah, going down like the fucking Titanic.
Oh. You got anybody you can call? Uncle, mom, something?
Fiona
Nobody in my life has that kind of money. That's why I'm selling this place.
Even if I could, you just... you're not gonna clear large in a couple days. Come on, buyer will need to do due diligence and inspections and probably try to back out at the end of escrow, try to fuck you with a lowball offer last-minute. I mean, you're not gonna have cash in hand for at least days. Who's your listing agent?
Fiona
[Laughs] I can't afford you, Max.
Maybe I waive my commission for you.
Fiona
You'd do that?
Yeah. I am not as big an asshole as you think I am. Come on.
Well, if you had the time, you could probably get $425K for it.
Fiona
That's what I was thinking.
But it would cost you $40K in closing costs, plus 120-day escrow, and you don't have that kind of time. [Sighs] How much is your mortgage?
Fiona
I've got two. One is...
Fiona
$292,000.
All right. I'll give you $292,000 for it.
Fiona
Wait, you want to buy it?
Yeah. I'll take it off your hands today, in cash, as is, no inspections, close in 30 days. Could pay off your mortgages and walk away. And I'll take care of the $25K you owe the partnership so you don't default, but... I'm gonna charge you interest on that.
Fiona
But that-that'll leave me with nothing, Max.
It'll leave you with your credit intact, and you didn't get foreclosed on. You're pretty, but I'm not a charity.
Fiona
Hi, Carl! Hi, Liam! [To Kelly] Hi, stranger! Oh! Stranger danger!
You've met her before. This is Kelly. What the hell are you doing?
Fiona
I'm throwing myself a little welcome-home party.
Wait, you're moving back in? She's back?
Fiona
[Trying to shove an oversized roast still in its plastic wrapping] Try to get this fucking beef in the oven. You gotta get in there, beef! Get in there. [Kicks it] Oh, God. Just... gah.
[Fiona wakes up, uses Ford's tools to scratch her arm in a cast and gets into shower]
[Pulls open curtains and turns off water] We need our money back.
Fiona
What the fuck?! What money?!
We've been giving you money for utilities that have not been getting paid. We need that money back.
Fiona
[Sighs] Fine. Jesus! [Close curtains and turns water on]
The bills are under my name now. That water you're using? We're paying for that. [Fiona scoffs] So, until you repay us what we've been paying you for the last three months, plus your share of rent for the last three months, plus what it cost for me to get shit turned back on, I don't really feel like sharing my water with you.
Fiona
Yeah, I'll tell you what... you take everything that I owe you from the last three months and subtract it from everything that you owe me for the last years. And when I've used all of the water that I am entitled to some time in, I don't know, then we can talk about who's even. [Shuts curtain and turns water on]
...
[Lip appears in jogging attire] What are you wearing?
Oh, Tami's mom died of cancer, so her family does a five-K thing every year.
You look sort of ridiculous.
Everybody looks ridiculous in running shorts.
Fiona
Debbie! Turn my water on!
Hey, did you turn the water off on her?
Deb, she carried us for years... You can give her a break. Turn the water back on!
Once you pay us what you owe us.
Fiona
I'm gonna get it to you. I just lost track... [Ford pounds on front door]
You owe Carl, Lip, and I; $832.
Fiona
You don't see Carl going up to my shower, turning my water off!
[Ford continues poundings on front door]
Fiona
If you had the month I had, you would have lost track, too.
[Mockingly] Ooh, my Irish boyfriend left me.
Fiona
Go take a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut!
Fiona
Go take a rolling fuck on a flying doughnut!
[Lets himself in house] Hello? I come in peace.
Fiona
Oh, fuck, no.
[Debbie grabs a knife and walks to Ford]
I just want my tools back.
Fiona
What tools?
My carpenter tools. They're missing.
Fiona
Well, why would I know about that?
Fiona
What, you think I just wandered on to your site and picked them up out of your truck or something?
Fiona
Or maybe I came into your house in the middle of the night and I watched you sleep for an hour and then I just took them on my way out.
[Scoffs softly] Do you have them or not?
Fiona
No. [Laughs] You egotistical fuck! I haven't thought about you in weeks!
We thought about you, though.
Guess I'll be going, then.
Fiona
[Ford walks to his truck and Fiona follows] Yeah. Damn straight you'll be going, 'cause next time, I won't stop them from beating the shit out of you!
If my tools happen to turn up, let me know. That's how I make my living.
Fiona
Oh, if they "happen to"... fuck you!
Fiona
Eliza, call the police.
I'm on a completion deadline, so I don't have time to fuck around, Fiona. Just tell me how much you want for the tools.
Fiona
I don't have them.
Five hundred. A thousand.
Fiona
Fuck off.
I'll give you $1,500, if you give them to me right now. I know you could use the money.
Fiona
[Chuckles] I don't need... [Starts throwing dishes with food at Ford]
Fiona
... your money!
Little help, please? Get out of here, Ford. Get her some water.
Fiona
I don't need anything from you!
Fiona
Yeah?
Hey, you just got your cast off. How about some free coffee...
Fiona
Fuck!
For any customers who felt that their safety was compromised? So sorry about that, everyone. So sorry.
Fiona
I can't fucking believe...
MMan
[Squeezing between Fiona and wall bumping her] Oh, excuse me.
Fiona
No. Did you just fucking touch my ass?! [She lunges at him knocking him to the ground]
Hey, Fiona! Come on! Fiona!
Fiona
I fucking felt you! I felt you do it!
AAllan
[Manhandling Fiona] Let's go! Fiona, come on! Let's go!
MMan
What is wrong with you?! Get off of me! Stop!
Fiona
You cannot touch people!
Li- Lilli? How about if we get this guy a couple of free burgers if he promises not to sue? I'm so sorry. So sorry, you guys. It's all good. Enjoy your meals.
Fiona
Just a Sprite. Last night fucked with me. Got a whole new attitude.
Fiona
Ah, perfect. Uh, Tina, I got table's food for you.
Fiona
Grilled ham and cheese... for you, and the tacos must be for you. Enjoy.
Fiona
Margo.
Fiona
What brings you here?
Police got a call last night about a possible robbery. A frantic woman called, saying that three men were threatening her, and she said they left but she was afraid they were gonna come back. And when the police arrived, the restaurant was closed, which is interesting, since we're open hours.
Fiona
Maybe they had the wrong address.
Stop. I don't want your lies, and you smell like booze. I don't know if you're drunk now or if you just drank so much last night that it's just coming out of your pores.
Fiona
No, I'm sober.
Fiona
What? Well, why? I- I haven't had a drink today, I swear.
I've been getting calls for the past month, from customers and vendors and employees, saying that you had been drunk on the job or asleep on the job or angry on the job.
Fiona
Please don't fire me. Please. I- I've had a rough couple months, but-but I've turned a corner.
People who say they've "turned a corner"... They haven't turned a corner. They're just trying to convince everyone they have.
Fiona
Please give me another chance. I promise I'll straighten out.
Fiona
Yes.
But not on my watch. You're acting manager now, so you make sure she cleans her things up and leaves.
Fiona
[Scoffs] Fuck all of you. Ratting me out. [Laughs] If it weren't for me, none of you NA motherfuckers would even have a job. [Walks up to waitress Tyesha] Mm-hmm. I wanted to fire you because you suck, but you called me, crying about your mother and her medical bills, and I let you keep your fucking job.
Fiona, I think we should just...
Fiona
Shut the fuck up, Eliza. [Laughs] I'm leaving. Oh, and guess what. The cook rubbed his dick on all of your meals. Yeah, enjoy. [Leaves out front door]
Fiona
[Regarding knocking on front door] Could someone get that, for fuck's sake?! Oh, God. Keep your fucking pants on. [Opens door and sighs] What?
PPeter
Hi. I'm Peter Naylor, here to see Phillip Gallagher. He at home?
Fiona
Lip! You home?! Guess not.
PPeter
What about Alexandra Galvez? She in?
Fiona
Who?
PPeter
Alexandra Galvez. G-A-L-V-E-Z. Female, age ten, African-American.
Fiona
Oh, Xan?
Fiona
Uh, I'm sorry. I was sound asleep. Yeah, Xan crashes here sometimes. Why?
PPeter
I'm with DCFS, here to do a home safety check for a case opened up by Phillip Gallagher.
Fiona
Oh.
Fiona
Sure. We're just doing a few, uh, home improvement projects - today.
Fiona
Your tetanus is up to date, right?
PPeter
Is that an open hole in the floor?
Fiona
Uh, yes, but it's not what it appears to be. My sister is actually a welder, so she's very qualified to... Uh, Debs, can you come down here, please?!
PPeter
Who's in charge of these children?
Fiona
Um, Debbie. Debbie is.
PPeter
Uh, the woman you can't find?
Fiona
Uh, well, she's definitely here. She's just probably getting a tool or something. Debs! Can you come down here, please?! Are you here?! Uh, it doesn't seem like Debs is here.
PPeter
Mm. And where does Alexandra sleep?
Fiona
Uh, on the couch, most of the time, I think. We take really good care of her.
Shameless · 903 quotes
