FionaHey. Look, I don't care who's right or who's wrong anymore. I just want this to be over.
You threw away their shit.
Fiona
And you called an inspector on me. Cost me 400 bucks in sprinkler services. We both did shit. We're both guilty. I don't care anymore. I just want to fix this. I called Margo. She's got another building she's willing to lease. It's way down on Ashland, but it's got good bones and she's willing to rent it monthly.
I already found the perfect building. You stole it.
Fiona
I understand that you feel wronged. And while I do not see it that way, I'm trying to do the right thing here. I got Margo to waive first and last.
We don't want your charity.
Fiona
Wait, where... where is this place?
Fuck off, Fiona. The answer's no.
Fiona
What the fuck is wrong with you? I am trying to move forward here and you are acting like a toddler! What is going on with you? Are you off your meds?
Fiona
You heard me. Your meds. Are you taking 'em? Are you?
Yeah. I am taking my fucking meds, Fiona. I'm just... fucking angry. Are you gonna accuse me of being off my meds every time I get fucking angry for the rest of my life? 'Cause I am allowed to get angry... at bitch assholes when they are being fucking bitch assholes!
Fiona
It's a good building. At least take a look, okay?
Fiona
So, what are you working on next?
I'm just going to a house over on Franklin. Owner saw some work I did on a Marion Mahony Griffin house.
Fiona
A... who?
One of the world's first female architects. Born in Chicago.-
Fiona
Wow.
Fiona
No.
She worked with Frank Lloyd Wright.
Fiona
I heard of him.
He stole most of her designs.
Fiona
What a douchebag.
You ever seen any of his buildings?
Fiona
I don't know. I don't think so.
They're all over the South Side.
Fiona
Really? I thought there was just a bunch of crack houses down here.
No. Some amazing historical buildings in this area.
Fiona
Really?
It's one of the reasons I moved to Chicago. Do you wanna see some of them?
Fiona
Sure.
Team, if I could have your attention. Thank you for being here this morning. I want you to know that just because you look like terrorists, doesn't mean you should be treated like 'em. Until America can distinguish between good brown people and bad brown people, it's my goal to get you all safely across the border into Canada. Shh, shh, shh. Discretion, right? You can all thank me later when a big bull moose is slurping an ice cold Molson right out of your butthole! Okay, not an alcohol and sex kind of a crowd.
Fiona
I don't even wanna know what's going on here, Frank.
This is one of my favorite buildings in the city.
Fiona
This place?
One of the first residential highrise buildings ever built.
Fiona
No shit. I've walked past here a thousand times.
Built as luxury apartments for the Chicago Exhibition in the '30s.
Fiona
I know a guy who got his face shot off in here.
Arched windows. It's Romanesque revival. Look at the ornamental cornice.
Fiona
I would look at it if I knew what a cornice was.
Up the top, there. Come here. See all that extraordinary masonry work and detail? It's remarkable.
Fiona
You mean the little ribbon things?
It's polychromatic brick façade on top of beautiful stone.
Fiona
Looks kinda like a castle.
...
Fiona
This is the Frank Lloyd Wright thing?
Built for the Robie family. And the planters are supposed to break the inside out so it divides.
...
And we're under a bridge. And now everyday places...
Fiona
It's beautiful.
Traditional Craftsman. Built in 1923. Greene and Greene were influenced by the English Arts and Crafts movement.
...
Fiona
I love all of the stained glass.
Yeah, they're typical of these places. It's what they call Arts and Crafts houses.
Fiona
Cool.
Come here, I wanna show you somethin'. Sit. You won't be disappointed.
Fiona
Okay.
Fiona
My God. That is awesome. What is that made with?
Hand painted with gold leaf. It's brilliant?
Fiona
Yeah, it is. You're not kissing me back.
Fiona
No. I'm sorry, I... I thought you were single. I didn't see a ring.
Fiona
My gaydar's usually better.
Fiona
Wow.
I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.
Fiona
You asked me to lie on a bed with you.
Right. To look at the ceiling.
Fiona
I'm sorry. No, no worries, I...
I'm not looking for anything...
Fiona
No, I got it.
Fiona
Complicated?
Your family and everything. You.
Fiona
Me?
Fiona
Okay.
Didn't mean it as an insult.
Fiona
No, I mean... Being called complicated feels... awesome. I'm gonna go.
Fiona
No, it's okay. I'll just, Uber.
[Ian and Lip are in kitchen with Carl, Debbie, Liam and Kassidi]
Fiona
[Appears from front door] Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?
ILIan, Lip, Carl, Debbie and Liam
Yes.
Fiona
Are you serious?! How?!
Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
Who had several different names.
Almost married a heroin addict.
Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother?
Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
Fiona
Okay, I get it. I'm complicated. I'm gonna go walk my dog now. Well, I can keep going. Fuck you guys. At least Rusty loves me. [Leaves out backdoor]
Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Fiona
Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
Fiona
What's with the... documentary?
Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
This is where you first went down on me.
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Fiona
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
Fiona
No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
Fiona
Morning.
You and, uh, Trev boning again?
Definitely turning a corner.
Fiona
Everybody's boning somebody but me?
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
Fiona
[Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
[Fiona is painting walls in apartment]
Fiona
Hi.
Fiona
It's called "Dangerous Robot." I'm doing the bathroom in Liquid Kitty.
What happened to just "blue"?
Fiona
Blue... is not badass.
Well, neither is Liquid Kitty, it sounds like a dyke bar. Why don't you just paint it "Wet Pussy"?
Fiona
Benjamin Moore didn't have that one. It took me forever to choose. What is my taste, even?
Fiona
That's by necessity, not choice. Well, you're asking the wrong gal. Mel handles this shit.
And her style's like... resort meets brothel.
Fiona
That's perfect for a nursery. You guys start picking out cribs?
Crib, singular. We're down a fetus. I miscarried.
Fiona
Oh, shit.
It's okay. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but we hadn't figured we'd both get pregnant.
[Fiona and Ford are walking through warehouse of antique furniture]
American midcentury modern.
Fiona
That's cool. Mmm.
Reference to the Danish design movement of the 1950s. [Fiona laughs] Try it.
Fiona
It's comfy.
Fiona
Not sure it's me though.
Says who? You get to choose that. That's what design is for. Decide who you want to be. [Attractive saleswoman walks up to Ford with him and her conversing in Greek and she walks away] Thank you.
Fiona
What the fuck was that?
Greek. I lived in a monastery in Macedonia for a while.
Fiona
Of course you did.
And I just scored you a $2,000 chair for 450, which is insane.
Fiona
I'm not gonna spend $450 on a chair.
It's not a chair. It's an investment in your future self.
Fiona
Might be the first time I bought something I didn't actually need.
Beautiful, functional everyday objects should be affordable.
Fiona
My idea of affordable is looting the house of the neighbor who just OD'd so I don't gotta buy new shit.
I've got an old coffee maker that needs a loving home.
Fiona
Ooh. Now you're talking.
[Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
GJGay Jesus fans
[In unison] That's right. That's right.
We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
Fiona
Jesus, listen to that.
[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
Fiona
[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
We all have the Trinity inside of us...
...
Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
Fiona
[Shakes his hand] Hi.
MMurph
I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
No, it's just 'cause of that video.
MMurph
No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
MMurph
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
Fiona
Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
Fiona
So why not quit if you hate it so much?
I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Fiona
Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
Fiona
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
I look like a fucking First Lady.
Here. Go cross your legs and pretend to be captivated.
Smokey to Bobcat. Do you hear me? Over.
Fiona
What are you guys up to?
We're trying to get Svetlana married off to a rich dude.
So... you just gave 'em your place, just like that?
Fiona
What else was I supposed to do? Man, I was really digging my quiet mornings away from Gallagher chaos. And it's extra bad right now 'cause of Ian's gay messiah shit.
He should read Pope Leo the 13th's encyclical on property rights.
Fiona
I'll pass it on.
You know, whiskey is actually clear when it comes off the still. It gets the caramel color from the barrel...
Fiona
You know, I'm just... I'm just gonna say this. Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter that I'm sitting here. I know all the places you've lived. I know all the languages you speak. I've met your exes, your baby mamas, your spawn. And yet, you have never asked one question about me. Did you know that I became legal guardian of my siblings when I was 23? Or that I dropped out of high school, but then I got back and I got my GED?
Yes, actually, I did. And I know you did it to convince your genius brother who's a recovering alcoholic to stay in college. I know you got left at the altar by your junkie fiancé with whom you were very much in love.
Fiona
How?
'Cause I ask around. There's some other stuff I know. You're fiercely protective of your family. You're generous. Like today, for example, you gave your apartment to a homeless family.
Fiona
You are so very much yourself. You don't even have to try. And frankly, you scare the fuckin' shit out of me.
...
[Gerald walks over to Svetlana at wall] It's him. It's him. Svet, Svet. The buzzard is in the tuba. The buzzard is in the tuba.
I have no idea. I've never done this before. What's she saying? I can't hear anything. I can't hear anything. We never tested the microphone.
All right, well, she needs to relax. Tell her to lean in a little.
Svetlana, lean in a little. Too far. Too Far. Too far. Too far. Take a sip of your drink. Sip, not gulp.
Tell her to- to ask him about something.
All right. All right. All right, Svet. Ask him about his mother. No, not his mother. Ask him about his favorite sports teams. Allergies... What the hell do people talk about on dates? Did she just drop her earpiece in her drink? Oh, no. [Svetlana nears her hand to Gerald's crotch] She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she? [Svetlana moves hand all the way in] Called that one.
Fiona
Open the door, please. I need to get my dog. This is stupid. I was fair to you. I let you stay in my apartment and you sue me? Why am I the bad guy? Hey! Rusty?! Have you guys been feeding him? Is there water in his bowl? [Whispers] I will kill you with my bare fucking hands. Okay. That's fair warning. I am the owner. I have a right to enter these premises! I'm coming in! Are the locks changed?!
TTrina
This is my apartment.
Fiona
Hello! Did you change the locks on my apartment?! [Answers phone] What?! Oh. Sorry. Sure.
TTrina
I'm coming right out.
Fiona
There had better be water in his bowl!
...
Fiona
Is that bad? I mean, they're roofers, right? You would think the one thing they'd know how to do is not fall off.
Fiona
I am covered, right?
IAInsurance analyst
Uh-huh. Minimum liability up to half a million.
Fiona
Half a million? They're suing me for six million.
IAInsurance analyst
People rarely get what they're asking for. We settle almost all of these.
Fiona
Well, that's good, then.
IAInsurance analyst
Could be. In any case, your contractor's on the hook for it. We're gonna go after his insurance company. You got the contractor's info?
Fiona
Uh, yeah, cell phone number.
IAInsurance analyst
That's all you've got?
Fiona
Yeah. Why?
LLinc
You gotta be kidding me, right? So you think you can get your roof fixed for $500 from a guy that's got insurance? Come on.
Fiona
You don't have insurance?
LLinc
Hey, I do honest work, and I pay my men exactly what I say I'm gonna pay 'em. There's always some asshole gaming the system, saying, "Oh, I'm hurt."
Fiona
He's got pins in his ankle. I think it's fair to say that he's hurt.
LLinc
He fell. Whose fault is that? Fuck him. Let him sue me. The only thing I own in this world is that truck. He'll have to kill me to get it.
So you let them stay in your apartment?
Fiona
Well, yeah.
You shouldn't have done that.
Fiona
Why?
Because that's an admission of responsibility.
Fiona
But I- I didn't do anything wrong.
Your contractor had no insurance. You only have a half a million in liability.
Fiona
S- so what's the worst case?
You lose in court and your insurance pays out 500,000. That leaves you owing 5.5 million. Other assets? Well, you sell your building. You got about 50 grand in equity there. And, uh... and your family home is worth, um, I don't know, maybe 62? So that leaves you only owing this Rodney asshole $5,388,000... forever. The jury's gonna take one look at that man and his starving family and the slumlord bitch that ruined their lives by hiring an unlicensed contractor, and you're gonna be lucky if they don't put you in jail.
Shameless · 903 quotes
