Hey, hey. Why the hell'd you let DCFS in here?
FionaI'm sorry. I had no idea who that guy was. I-I didn't...
Who the fuck did you think that was?! He's wearing a tie and he's got a fucking clipboard.
Fiona
I was asleep! I'm not a fucking mind reader. Why didn't you tell me they were coming?
Fiona
Yes. Maybe if I'd known DCFS was dropping by...
Jesus Christ. Do you have any idea how much you fucked this up for me?
Fiona
This is not my fault. I did not invite DCFS here.
Fiona
I did not leave a... a furnace in the house...
Fiona
...Or kids in a Pack 'n Play, or an open hole in the fucking floor.
No, but you sure as shit didn't help, Fiona. The old Fiona would've handled this, would've spun shit, would've covered for me.
Fiona
What was I supposed to do, huh? Bake him a fucking cake?
No, but I expected you to not be drunk in the middle of the day. How about that, huh?
Fiona
[Laughs derisively] Maybe I'm tired of playing Susie fucking Sunshine all the time, huh? Think of that? 'Cause if I want to be drunk in the middle of the fucking day, that is my fucking business!
100 days he was sober, Fiona.
Fiona
Who?
Fiona
Who.
Jason from the shop. I'm his sponsor. You just got my sponsee fucking drunk.
Fiona
He didn't say he was your--.
[Yelling] 100 DAYS HE WAS SOBER!
Fiona
And that's sad. I'm sorry for him. But it's not my fault. I didn't know.
No, nothing's your fault anymore, huh?
Fiona
You weren't there. You don't know.
I know someone waved vodka in his face. I know when he left you, he called his dealer, and he shot up heroin.
Fiona
Oh. I'm sorry. Look, I didn't know.
No, you didn't care enough to know.
[Carl, Debbie and Kelly appear confused]
Listen to me. I want you out of this fucking house. [Fiona snickers and smiles at Lip]
What'd I miss? Ooh, candy corn.
Fiona
Good morning, former coworker.
Fiona
No need to panic, Eliza. I'm just here for my final paycheck.
Okay, sure. I'll be right back.
Fiona
Thanks. Hey, you got my tip-out?
Fiona
My tip-out. My share of the ti... You know what a tip-out is, Karina Where are my tips?
KKarina
Um, well, we didn't think that you were...
Fiona
You guys just stole my fucking tips? Wow, that is cold. That's okay, I'll just take this.
Fiona
Thank you. Oh, hey, what's up, Judas? Hey, winner. I'd refill your coffee, but I don't work here anymore, so... here you go.
Fiona
...you know those eggs aren't really cage-free, right? The menu's full of lies. Enjoy.
Fiona
Have you? [Scoffs]
Fiona
Fuck you, Eliza.
You got your last paycheck. Please leave, or I'll have to call the cops.
Fiona
Oh, the cops. Let's call them. They can find out where my stolen tips went.
Ugh, feels like someone kicked me in the balls.
Well, the heat doesn't help. You gotta get some AC in here, man.
Thing's on its last legs, givin' it all she's got.
Oh. V, is there a kid kicking me in the nuts right now? 'Cause it feels like there's a child repeatedly kicking me in the balls.
No, baby, just leave ice on it.
Be better in no time, Kev. Hang in there, man.
Yeah, hang in there, buddy.
Fiona
What's up?
Fiona
What's going on with him?
He had a vasectomy, little swelling.
Little swelling? My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.
Why didn't V just tie her tubes? Old-school, piece of cake.
Okay, I'm right here. I'll take this one. Do you even know what you're saying? A vasectomy is like this, really, on one ball, and it's already on the outside of your body. My shit is on the inside. They have to cut into my stomach twice, pull my tubes out of my body, rope 'em off, and then put 'em back inside me. I should slap your face.
[To Kevin] You gon' live, baby.
Morning, Sweathogs. Blackout, we got a blackout.
No shit, Frank. That's why we're all sitting here in the dark.
Sounds great. I'll take one. What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
Fiona
I got fired.
Well, congratulations. You apply for unemployment yet? My advice is, do it in person. If you do it online, they'll pretend they never got the application.
Fiona
Got it.
Well, welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.
Fiona
Yeah, I'm fine with it. I mean, fuck them. Being broke sucks, though.
Ah, you get used to it. You just gotta be creative.
Fiona
Buy me a beer?
[Laughs] That's funny. You know, life is not all sunshine and rainbows for me either, kiddo. Ingrid left me. Took all my children with her. I'm still here. My unborn children. I don't think I'll ever get over it. V, a shit of Jame-o, please.
[Lumbering past them] Oh, my God, ow.
Fiona
[Makes cutting gesture] Vasectomy.
[Reading from phone] A substation blew up. Gonna be at least another hours before the power's back up.
What? God damn it. Oh, we're screwed.
[To Fiona] If you need a little walking-around money, you should hang out with me today.
Fiona
Why would I do that?
Because of a little something I like to call "monetizing my neighbors' lack of foresight."
Fiona
You mean rippin' people off.
Completely legit. No one prepares for blackouts around here, so they rush to the store for ice or batteries or what have you. Too late, everything's sold out. Panic ensues, and where there's panic, there's money to be made. That's where I come in. Frank's Blackout Supply has everything you need.
Fiona
So you gouge 'em.
Really? How's the view from up there, Miss High and Mighty? Last time I checked, we were in the same freakin' bar drinking warm beer together.
Fiona
Fair point. Do I charge a little more?
Yes. Double. The peace of mind of a candle or fresh batteries, priceless. So you in or out?
Fiona
No, thanks.
Aw, come on. I could use a pretty face. It legitimizes the whole thing.
Fiona
What's in it for me?
After I recoup my cost, 20 percent.
Fiona
Seventy.
Jesus Ch... Who's gouging now?
Fiona
Thirty.
Fifty percent, final offer.
Fiona
No one's gonna buy anything from you, Frank. You're Frank.
Deal, 50. [They shake hands]
Fiona
Gallagher Blackout Supply.
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, hi, Mr. Tamietti. You and I need to talk, son.
TMr. Tamietti
Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
Uh, she's... she's keeping the baby? I mean, she seemed undecided the last that we, uh...
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, yeah. She's keeping the baby. That's not open for discussion.
No, no, sir. I just mean, um, last time we talked, she- she seemed unclear about what she wanted to do.
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, it's clear. She's having the baby.
[Debbie, Carl and Kelly burst in front door carrying Frank]
Good God. Almost there. A little help here!
Okay, okay, okay. Put me down. Put me down, no more. Down there!
Fiona
What happened?!
Fiona
Is that bone? What the fuck?! Why didn't you call an ambulance?
Fiona
The hell is that?!
Mollies... A few personal items... And acid.
Fiona
Is that why you didn't want to call an ambulance?
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, who the hell is that?
TMr. Tamietti
Why doesn't he want an ambulance?
Because the paramedics would've emptied his pockets, found the drugs, and called the cops.
Uh, you know, Mr. Tamietti, why don't we go get a cup of coffee or something, yeah? [Leads Mr. Tamietti away]
I had an opportunity to invest some of my Ingrid severance money, and I took it.
Fiona
If you're done hiding your stash, can I call 911?
Not until my associates come and we complete our transaction.
QQuincy
Open femur fracture. Definitely going to need surgery.
I'm in a lot of pain here. Could I get of morphine?
QQuincy
No can do, Frank.
Lidoc... is that lidocaine?
Ah, come on, guys! You got any fentanyl in there? That'd take the edge off.
QQuincy
Can give you a bite block to chomp down on if you like.
A bite block? [Laughs] What are you, the Marquis de Sade?
QQuincy
Best I can do after last time.
I did not steal drugs from your ambulance.
QQuincy
I saw you take it, Frank. Are you sure you don't want that bite block? This might sting.
[Frank grunts, yells and cries]
QQuincy
Personally, I would've taken the bite block. You want to ride with him again?
Fiona
How long's the wait at County this morning?
QQuincy
Pro hockey season's shorter.
Fiona
All right. Coke, crackers, and a bedpan. Barb's saying three hours, but could be five. I can't stay the whole time. I got a meeting.
Oh, Christ! AA?! Did you let Lip recruit you into that cult?!
Fiona
Meeting with a public defender.
Trouble with the law? Excuse me! I've got a bone sticking out of my thigh! Does this look like a scam to you?! Hey, doc! Could you hook a brother up with a little morphine for a broken femur?! Come on, I... Ah, that's right. Just walk on by, Osama. We'll have your ass on that plane and back to Crap-sanistan as soon as the president revokes your H- B visa.
Fiona
More bees with honey, Frank.
This is nothing but torture and payback. You signed a Hippocratic Oath, for fuck's sake. Doctors have been convicted of war crimes for what you're doing to me. How did this happen, anyway?! I was taking a brief nap in that shithole you used to own, and they started tearing it down around me!
Fiona
My apartment building?!
I woke up with a... a wrecking ball trying to decapitate me! I had to run for my life. I should sue the bastards!
Fiona
You were drunk, trespassing, and sleeping in a boarded-up building, okay?! I don't think a lawsuit is likely to go your way.
Never know. They may settle to avoid a court case. [To Fiona] Hey! You got anything useful in there?! Eh, a Quaalude?! Maybe an oxy?!
Fiona
No.
Miss! Excuse me. I'm in quite a bit of, uh, discomfort with this open fracture. I know the doctors are incredibly busy, but could you ask one of them to prescribe something for the pain?! I don't need much! of morphine would be more than enough.
SASouth Asian female orderly
You're Frank, right?
SASouth Asian female orderly
No.
Fiona
[Chuckles derisively] Your reputation precedes you.
What the fuck is wrong with you people? You wouldn't treat a dog in the street like this!
Fiona
I think so. I didn't tuck him in or anything.
Here's your bedpan back. Don't use it again till someone else can get it.
Hey. Catch a meeting later? I think I'm gonna do an Al-Anon meeting again today.
Fiona
All right, well, let us know if you think it's worthwhile.
We could turn it into a fun-filled activity for the whole family. [Goes out side door]
There's gotta be someplace else you can keep this thing. It's scaring away the customers.
I tried to get it in the house. It just wouldn't fit through the door. V, I think we can make some money renting me out as Jesus.
Yeah, for parties and stuff.
Jesus parties? I think that's called church services, Kevin. Like Santas at Christmas, or Elvis impersonators.
I could work bachelorette parties, be one of those, uh, birthday strippers.
Look at this website. They got all kinds of people looking like celebrities they rent out.
Fiona
[Comes in door] Hi. [Sits at bar] What is all that about?
The nuns figured out we were sending both of our girls to preschool for the price of one, so Kev has to be Jesus for their parade, only now, Kev wants to be Jesus all the time.
I thought you were taking some time away from drinking.
Fiona
May I have a Coke, please?
Fiona
Well, the zoning went through on the lot that I invested in and Max Whitford bought me out of the partnership.
No shit? How much? [Veronica leans into Fiona]
Fiona
[Whispers] $ 100,000.
Fiona
One, oh...
Right? That is fantastic. So you... what are you gonna do with it, buy a new building?
Fiona
Oh, hell no. Fool me once.
Fiona
Well, I quit my job at the gas station...
Fiona
And now I don't know. I feel like I got a second chance.
And a third, and a fourth.
V, I could have different costumes for different occasions. Wedding Jesus. Uh, Last Supper Jesus. Bat Mitzvah Jesus.
Last Supper Jesus? Well, I guess that beats getting nailed to the cross.
They didn't use real nails, did they?
Shameless · 903 quotes
