Jackie Harris quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

What are the odds we'd bot come as Morticia?

Crystal

You're Morticia? Well, then that's no problem. I'm Elvira.

Jackie

We still look like the Judds from Hell.

I can't believe you both came as Cher.

Roseanne

We shouldn't even be sitting here watching TV. TV's the whole way my whole generation learned to smoke anyhow.

Jackie

Oh, come on.

Roseanne

It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.

Jackie

Cathy didn't.

Roseanne

I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked.

Jackie

Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!

 Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.

Darlene

Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.

Mother!

Roseanne

Well it was funny, Becky.

Jackie

Hey Beck, where's Darlene?

Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.

Dan

She go home?

Not yet!

Darlene

Shut up.

Dan

Why, Darlene! You look--

Darlene

Shut up.

Jackie

Oh, come on! It's not so--

Darlene

SHUT UP!!

Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?

Dan

I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?

Roseanne

You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!

Dan

It's your name!

Roseanne

It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!

Dan

I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.

Roseanne

Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.

Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?

Jackie

Thank you, Becky.

Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.

Roseanne

When are you gonna get over him?

Jackie

I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!

Darlene

[weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.

Roseanne

[after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!

Dan

Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.

Roseanne

Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.

Dan

You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.

Jackie

No!

Dan

Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.

D.J.

I'm not getting it anymore.

Roseanne

I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.

Dan

I'm not home.

Jackie

I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.

If it's Dean...

Jackie

If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.

David

Tell her I'm in the shower.

Roseanne

[after Jackie hangs up from talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?

Jackie

Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!

Roseanne

She called me an idiot?

Jackie

[after Roseanne returns from her job interview] Hey Roseanne... tell me you're employed!

Roseanne

Hey Jackie... tell me you're married!

Jackie

Aw...what happened?

Roseanne

What happened was that 400 people showed up for six jobs. So I'm standing there for three hours drinking coffee just so some punk kid can ask me if I have any special skills; I told him, "yeah, bladder control."

Jackie

Hi, guys. Oh, you guys are not going to believe the time I had at that singles dance last night. [The family watches as she puts bread in the toaster...] I haven't even been home yet. Not that I met anybody or anything, [...puts milk in the blender...] but Nancy and I had a few, so I just decided to crash at her place for a while, you know, just for the night. [...takes food out of the freezer] You ought to turn the freezer up. It's getting kind of warm in there. Anyway...

Roseanne

Jackie, let me make you some breakfast, okay, because...

Jackie

Roseanne, I'm right in the middle of a story here, okay? [She puts the food in the microwave] Anyway, the second we walk in the door, Nancy starts throwing herself at any jerk who's wearing Old Spice, [...goes to the phone to make a call...] which leaves me completely alone, having to fight off this whole parade of losers. [...takes chocolate mix from the pantry to the blender] This one guy actually said, "you're under arrest for stealing my heart." It was priceless! Pathetic! I just want to... see if any of 'em called. Hey, there's a message from you on here, Roseanne. What do you need candles and flashlights for? [She tries turning on the blender, and realizes the electricity is out] Oh.

Roseanne

Well, we don't have any lights, but now we know the speed of Stupid.

Jackie

[calling the electric company to try to get Roseanne's lights back on] Did you tell them you have children?

Roseanne

Yeah. They don't want 'em.

Jackie

I'll take this one. Truth or dare?

Roseanne

Truth.

Jackie

Okay. Wouldn't you really like to be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant?

Roseanne

You and Nancy?

Nancy

Yeah, I'm going into the business too. Isn't that wild?

Roseanne

You guys are gonna do it without me?

Jackie

You said you didn't want to do it.

Roseanne

No, I didn't! I said I couldn't do it!

Jackie

What's the difference?

Roseanne

There's a huge difference, Jackie. "I don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, but "I can't do it" means you can't do it either!

Young Roseanne

You shouldn't eat that, Jackie.

Young Jackie

Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.

Young Roseanne

[chuckles] Oh, right.

Young Jackie

Why shouldn't I eat it?

Young Roseanne

Well, everyone knows they put poison, and razor blades in those. Better give it to me.

Young Jackie

That's stupid, that's not really true. [bites into a piece of candy] See? I'm okay.

Young Roseanne

Oh, I guess you're right. [bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream and run. Young Roseanne laughs and the candy to herself]

[with Ghost of Halloween Past] You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.

Dan

[dressed as decapitated Marie Antoinette holding her own head (Jackie)] I'm sorry Jackie, I'm not going in the ladies room, you're just going to have to hold it!

Jackie

I've got to go sometime, Dan.

Dan

Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar!

Jackie

Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.

Dan

Oh, yeah, like I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!

Roseanne

[having seen her future self—a stereotypical housewife] Oh my God, I've become what I hate most.

Not yet. You must go farther into the future to see where this path will lead you.

Roseanne

I don't want to.

You grew to be an elderly divorced woman, living with your spinster sister.

Roseanne

Oh my God, I'm living with Jackie? I don't wanna see any more.

Jackie

Come on, Roseanne, we don't wanna be late.

Bev

All right, Jackie, I'm all set.

Roseanne

Why is my mother here?

That's not your mother, Roseanne. That's you.

Roseanne

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!