Crystal Anderson quotes from Roseanne

Crystal

I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there!

Roseanne

Great, no more Geraldo!

Crystal

How do you like yours [marshmallows], Roseanne?

Roseanne

Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Crystal

What was it?

Dan

Nothing.

Roseanne

I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!

Crystal

Lonnie told me about Becky's unfortunate accident. I'm so sorry.

Roseanne

Yeah, we're thinking about putting her to sleep.

Crystal

You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life that I'd have you washing my hair.

Roseanne

Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.

Jackie

Are you sure?

Dan

Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.

Crystal

I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.

Dan

And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?

I'm gonna be at the mall.

Darlene

I've got basketball practice.

Crystal

Me too.

Crystal

I'm pregnant.

Roseanne

Are you sure you're not just late?

Crystal

Yeah, I'm sure, I've got all the signs. I'm nauseous, I'm eating all the time, and oh yeah, my doctor told me I'm pregnant.

Crystal

[sobbing about why her baby won't sleep at night] Well, why won't he sleep?! I've tried everything, even the washing machine!

Darlene

You put him in the washing machine??

Crystal

No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.

Jackie

What are the odds we'd bot come as Morticia?

Crystal

You're Morticia? Well, then that's no problem. I'm Elvira.

Jackie

We still look like the Judds from Hell.

I can't believe you both came as Cher.

Crystal

[in labor] This better be a girl. It better be a girl.

Dan

Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.

Crystal

The hell I will!