Fred quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

Glad you could make it, Fred.

Fred

Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.

Jackie

[to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.

Fred

We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.

Dan

You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.

Jackie

[to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.

Roseanne

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.

Roseanne

You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!

Nana Mary

Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.

Bev

You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!

Roseanne

I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!

Fred

You okay, Jackie?

Jackie

Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.

Dan

Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]

Jackie

You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?

Fred

When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.

Jackie

Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!

Roseanne

Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.

Jackie

Yes.

Roseanne

Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.

Fred

All right, how many people did you date before you met me?

Jackie

Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?

Fred

I mean seriously.

Jackie

Oh, I'd say only a few.

Fred

Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...

Jackie

Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.

Fred

Well I guess not.

Jackie

Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.

Fred

Since you were what? Eighteen?

Jackie

[thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.

Fred

Wow... I don't even know 60 people...

Jackie

Well... I didn't know all of them.

Fred

Hey Bev, do yourself a big favor. Don't get into this.

Bev

Fred, I have every right to be involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.

Fred

Well, If I ever do become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house!!!

Dan

[as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!

Fred

Guess I wasn't supposed to say that...

Dan

I uh... plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh. [he and Fred guffaw and slap each other five]

Fred

Boy, David's really upset. What are you gonna do, Dan?

Dan

Why do you keep asking me what I'm gonna do? What is it with you and all the questions? Why can't a guy just do what he's gotta do without being asked?

Fred

You don't know what to do, do you, Dan? Just been doing what Roseanne told you to do, haven't you? You're really a very bad father, aren't you, Dan?

Dan

No, I'm not. I just don't know what to do with David. He scares me, Fred. I mean, he's probably down there right now crying, or reading, or drawing a horse.

Fred

Well, why don't you do what you were trying to do before? You know, raise his self-esteem.

Dan

I don't know how to give a 17-year-old who's just been beaten up by a 12-year-old's self-esteem. I don't even know how to give him hope.

Jackie

My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.

Roseanne

Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!

Fred

That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.

Jackie

[taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?

Roseanne

[guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget where they were the day Lincoln was shot.

Jackie

They're completely naked, all the time?

Roseanne

Sometimes he wears a hat.