DJ Conner quotes from Roseanne

DJ

(on phone) Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark really hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.

DJ

Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.

Roseanne

Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!

Dan

Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]

D.J

How do I look Dad?

Dan

Beautiful.

D.J

Guys aren't supposed to look beautiful!

Dan

Damn beautiful.

D.J

That's better!

Darlene

Dad, I need money.

DJ

No, she doesn't!

Darlene

Go suck on a loafer. C'mon Dad, Mom won't gimme any!

Dan

She probably has a good reason.

Darlene

No, just cheapness.

Darlene

So how long's Becky grounded for?

D.J.

What'd she do?

Roseanne

She forgot to gag Darlene like I told her.

Roseanne

[examining D.J.'s artwork] This is a pretty picture. Is this one for school? There's Daddy and me, and Becky and you... where's Darlene?

D.J.

[points to a spot on picture] Right there.

Roseanne

That looks like a bunch of flowers.

D.J.

I know. That's her grave.

DJ

I can't work this damn thing.

Roseanne

Where'd you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a VCR.

Mom, are you through in the bathroom yet?

Dan

Honey, I'm through in there.

Darlene

Mom, I did my homework, but I still need you to sign here.

DJ

Mom, can you make me a sandwich?

D.J.

What's going on?

Got me.

D.J.

Mom, what's going on?

Roseanne

We're playing a game.

D.J.

Can I play?

Dan

No, you're too mature to play this game.

Roseanne

I've got two more pancakes here!

DJ

I want French toast!

Roseanne

Well, you better move to Europe.

[setting the table] You gotta move, Deej.

D.J.

Make me!

Darlene

[leaning in toward D.J.] How about a kiss, hot stuff?

D.J.

[grabbing his notebook and running off] I'm outta here!

Dan

What do you guys think? You think your mom needs to lose weight?

D.J.

No, I like you mushy.

D.J.

Was I an accident?

Roseanne

... No, D.J., you were... a surprise.

D.J.

Oh. What's the difference?

Roseanne

Well, an accident is something that, if you had to do it over again, you wouldn't, but a surprise is something that you didn't even know you wanted till you got it.

D.J.

Was Darlene an accident?

Dan

No, Darlene was a disaster.

D.J.

Darlene says I'm a prevert.

Roseanne

No, you're not a pre-vert, DJ, you're a pervert.

Darlene

Mom!

D.J.

Mom!

Roseanne

What?

Dan

Darlene's sayin' everything DJ says a second before he says it.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] God, that's so immature!