Jackie Harris quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

Well Dan, I guess you're just so damn proud of your kid out there, ramming people and smashing into them that you just had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!

Dan

I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

Jackie

Come on, you gave me my first sip of beer.

Roseanne

That was different. I was drunk.

Jackie

(after telling Roseanne that she won't be going to her house for Christmas) I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.

Roseanne

Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!

Jackie

No, it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.

Roseanne

Why? You can't be cured.

Jackie

Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.

Roseanne

Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.

Jackie

What kind of obscene material could D.J. have?

Roseanne

Oh, I don't know, probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

Roseanne

You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?

Jackie

W...why can't you just drop it?

Roseanne

(realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!

Jackie

It's just really humiliating, though, you know, because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you are.

Dan

It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

Roseanne

That's it, I'm not making any more calls. You do the rest of the family list.

Jackie

[crying] I can't call people, Roseanne!

Roseanne

Jackie, dial!

Jackie

I'm supposed to be in mourning.

Roseanne

Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!

Jackie

[dials the phone] Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I have some bad news...Dad is not with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No, DEAD!...DEAD!!! ... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!

Roseanne

(pulls back shower curtain) Oh hi, Jackie! We thought you...you went home.

Jackie

Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.

DJ

(knocks on bathroom door) Mom?

Jackie

The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)

Dan

DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...

Roseanne

Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?

Jackie

Hold on, Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.

Bev

And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?

Roseanne

I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.

Jackie

It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.

(Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.

Jackie

Glad you could make it, Fred.

Fred

Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.

Jackie

[to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.

Fred

We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.

Dan

You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.

Jackie

[to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.

Roseanne

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.

Roseanne

You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!

Nana Mary

Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.

Bev

You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!

Roseanne

I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!

Fred

You okay, Jackie?

Jackie

Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.

Dan

Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]

Jackie

You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?

Fred

When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.

Jackie

Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!

Roseanne

Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.

Jackie

Yes.

Roseanne

Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.

Nancy

I don't think you'd have such a great time there.

Jackie

Sound's like fun.

Nancy

It's a gay bar.

Jackie

Okey-dokey.

Roseanne

Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay.

Nancy

Well, it might. Friday is convert-a-hetero night.

Jackie

Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?

Roseanne

Well then you could just think they're gay right back at them.