David Healy quotes from Roseanne

David

So what did I do, anyway? I put my arm around you.

Darlene

Well yeah, what was next?

David

God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.

Darlene

(To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?

David

I was just holding your hand.

Darlene

Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!

(To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.

Darlene

We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.

David

You're my girlfriend.

Darlene

Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.

D.J.

I'm not getting it anymore.

Roseanne

I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.

Dan

I'm not home.

Jackie

I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.

If it's Dean...

Jackie

If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.

David

Tell her I'm in the shower.

Hey, is anybody home?

Darlene

Hey look, it's Joanie and Chachi.

Mark

How ya doin', little brother?

David

Fine, except thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.

So where's Mom?

Darlene

She's in the kitchen...with the knives.

Mark

Want me to go in there with you?

Darlene

With... THE KNIVES.

Darlene

[angry at David for letting Molly flirt with him] Oh come on, you don't go for that flirty, cutesy Barbie-doll crap, do ya? I mean, she was so obvious.

David

I dunno. I guess for some guys it would probably make them feel, y'know, like a man.

Darlene

[struts up to David and touches him seductively] I can make you feel like a man, David... Take out the trash. [walks away]

What the hell do you care? You really want to know what I was doing tonight, because I will tell you.

David

Shut up, mom!

Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!

David

Why did you even come home?

You apologize! [slaps David] You apologize to me!

David

I'm sorry.

Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! [storms upstairs. David and Darlene are both on the verge of tears]

David

Darlene, I'm...I'm sorry.

Darlene

Hey..."slut" didn't bother me. "Just like her sister" part that hurt. (she hugs him)

Darlene

[to David, who is heating up a hamburger in the microwave oven] You're still eating meat?

David

Oh, come on. I tried to stop, okay, but I realized, I'm a carnivore.

Darlene

So are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.

Darlene

What? So you're just leaving?

David

What do you care?

Darlene

Hey I care!

David

No you don't!

Darlene

Of course I do! I love you! :[Slight pause, David is shocked] Jerk.

David

Really? Are you sure?

Darlene

Yeah, I'm sure you're a jerk.

David

No I mean not - wow! Why didn't you ever say it before?

Darlene

Hoping it'd pass.

I want you to see what kind of ungrateful garbage I've raised!

Roseanne

Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but, y'know, the kids, they just took a shot at staying together. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world.

Oh, you don't think so?

Roseanne

No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!

Listen to me. I don't want you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Take a look at the two little whores you raised!

Roseanne

...Oh... I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white trash a bad name.

David

Please just stop. It's over, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I promise.

I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you could live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS LITTLE BASTARD!!!

Roseanne

OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.

Are you trying to steal my kid?!

Roseanne

It ain't got nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.

Roseanne

And David, while you live here, you'll be home by curfew, you will keep your room clean. You will be the child we've never had.

David

Okay, that's fair.

Dan

These are just the rules today. We reserve the right to change the rules at any time, for your safety, for your education, or for our amusement. That is the price of living in our kingdom.

Roseanne

Welcome to Roseannadu.

David

Molly, what are you talking about? You know I'm going out with Darlene!

Molly

David, you're cute, and you're smart... and you deserve someone who doesn't sleep hanging upside down!

David

Hey, you don't know anything about me and Darlene!

Molly

I know she treats you like crap!

David

Come on, that's not fair; Darlene treats everyone like crap!

Roseanne

THIS is your brain. [sits it on the table] Dan, a pan. [Dan stands up and gets a pan, then hands it to her] And THIS is your brain on drugs.

David

Got it.

Roseanne

Hi, David. I found this, uh, pen, is it yours?

David

[scared] Um...no.

Roseanne

Oh, OK. Well, I'll be going then. ... Oh wait a minute, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!

Darlene

Mom...

Roseanne

No, you're not talking. You're not talking for a very long time. And you better sit down, 'cause this is gonna take a while.

Mark

Hey, Dave-o.

David

Hey, Mark.

David

Ever since you caught me at Darlene's, youve been treating me like a dog.

Roseanne

The beauty of a working dog is that they don't get put to sleep.

David

I didn't move in with my mom, I moved in with Darlene in Chicago. And I know it was wrong and a stupid thing to do and it will never happen again, and I'm sorry (Dan stands up, frightening him) VERY sorry.

Dan

(yelling loudly) You ungrateful little BASTARD!!!