Bev Harris quotes from Roseanne

Bev

[seeing Roseanne and Jackie decorating an asleep Nana Mary] Girls, stop that, you're being stupid and childish. Everyone knows you string lights from the top.

Bev

There she is! You shameless hussy, you stole my man!

Bev

What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?

Dan

A hitlist.

Jackie

Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt. I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.

Roseanne

How ya doin' sis?

Bev

[yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?

Jackie

[realizing Roseanne tricked her] You are just EVIL!

Bev

You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)

Darlene

Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)

Roseanne

Darlene, leave the table.

Darlene

Yeah, I knew that'd do it.

Roseanne

[having seen her future self—a stereotypical housewife] Oh my God, I've become what I hate most.

Not yet. You must go farther into the future to see where this path will lead you.

Roseanne

I don't want to.

You grew to be an elderly divorced woman, living with your spinster sister.

Roseanne

Oh my God, I'm living with Jackie? I don't wanna see any more.

Jackie

Come on, Roseanne, we don't wanna be late.

Bev

All right, Jackie, I'm all set.

Roseanne

Why is my mother here?

That's not your mother, Roseanne. That's you.

Roseanne

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Bev

[confronting her late husband's mistress, Joan, in the funeral home] I've waited a long time for this moment, and you will not rob me of it.

All right, go ahead.

Bev

I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast, and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee!

Jackie

Hold on, Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.

Bev

And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?

Roseanne

You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!

Nana Mary

Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.

Bev

You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!

Roseanne

I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!

Fred

You okay, Jackie?

Jackie

Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.

Dan

Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]

Bev

Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.

Roseanne

Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.

Bev

And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?

Dan

Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?

Bev

What is Santa Claus doing?

Roseanne

Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.

Bev

Have you thought about names?

Jackie

No, I haven't decided yet. Here I am, about to give birth and I haven't even decided on a name for my baby.

Bev

Oh, now don't get all worked up. Just name it the first thing that comes into your mind. You can always change it later.

Jackie

You can't change it later.

Bev

Well, of course you can. We don't call you Marjorie, do we?

Jackie

Why would you call me Marjorie?

Bev

Because that used to be your name, only Roseanne couldn't pronounce it. She kept calling you "My Jackie." We thought it was so cute. We all started calling you My Jackie, and after a while, you just became Jackie.

Jackie

My name...used to be Marjorie.

Bev

Yes. It probably still is; I think that's what's written on your birth certificate.

Jackie

You don't even know my own name? You're supposed to be my mother!

Bev

We told you all this years ago.

Jackie

No, you never told! No, never, never, never, never, never told me that.

Bev

Now, Jackie, don't upset yourself. It's no big deal.

Jackie

"It's no big deal"?! It's my name! You go ask a thousand people if they think that's a big deal, they're gonna say yes, that is a very big deal!

Bev

Or was it Mary Jane?

Fred

Hey Bev, do yourself a big favor. Don't get into this.

Bev

Fred, I have every right to be involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.

Fred

Well, If I ever do become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house!!!

Dan

[as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!

Fred

Guess I wasn't supposed to say that...

Dan

I uh... plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh. [he and Fred guffaw and slap each other five]

I used to think that people that insulted me were just mean, stupid or horrible. But now I think it's just because they've never had really good sex.

Bev

What are you talking about?

Well, here's a really good test. Have you ever done it, and when you were through, your hands were just filled with his hair, but you don't remember pulling it out?

Bev

Well, I'm leaving. I'm going to have a respectable conversation with a couple of longshoremen.

Jackie

Stacy!

I'm sorry! I was just trying to help. Are you mad at me?

Jackie

[grabbing their jackets] No, no! Come on. The way you just treated my mom, I feel like dancing!

Bev

Come out, Darlene, I can't wait to see you in my dress!

Nana Mary

Whattaya mean, your dress? It's my dress! The first time I wore that dress... Roosevelt closed the banks.

Bev

That's right! (smugly) And when I wore that dress, I had to take it in ten inches!

Nana Mary

Yeah, around the boobs!

Roseanne

But it's getting late, there's really nothing any of you guys can do here so unless one of you wants to go and give a liver to the guy in 308.

Bev

I really don't think it's wise for this family to be giving away livers.